bugs crawling inside
Whenever I don't yield to looking at pornography or masturbating, it feels as though I have bugs crawling under my skin! I'm edgy, I haven't had my crack hit, and I’m utterly anti-social. It all goes away once I’ve had my porn hit though... how sweet it is! How refreshing the orgasm is, the moment, the few seconds of pure bliss that gets me through each day. But if the highs are oh so high, the lows are so much lower. I’m stuck in an endless fall into the deepest chasm they call guilt/shame/worthlessness ... I think about cutting myself to help take away the pain from my mind and concentrate on the physical, it's so much easier to bear! Perhaps I should just eliminate my genes from society, do everyone a favor, no one will miss me ... a helplessly depraved porn addict...
I blame others, my dad who was too hard on me as a kid, my mum didn't love me enough, I was bullied at primary and high school, I’m not big enough, I have to wear glasses, I have pimples ... blah blah blah, ALL EXCUSES with no underlying truth!
I am responsible for my actions. I dictate what I rebel against and what I yield to. The reality is: I’m weak! I need help, I need a savior, I need JESUS!
Oh but what a hypocrite I am ... and you thought the Pharisees were bad, they were just vipers, comparatively angels when contrasted with me! I’m the worst of all...
I am double-tongued, I say one thing, but do another, the people I’ve told about my addiction, my closest friends, I lie to them and say I’ve stopped, then pray and thank God for victory... victory, I don't know the meaning of the word!
I started looking at porn when I was 11 or 12, now I am 22; that's half my life! I want to be normal, I want to feel worth something, I want to contribute, I want freedom...
IT NEEDS TO STOP! HELP! WHAT CAN I DO?!?!?! I"VE TRIED EVERY THING UNDER THE SUN!
What are you thinking about? The answer is obvious. The more we try not to think of something, the more it seems to be in the forefront of the brain!
The moment we engage in a "Will I? / Won't I?" battle, we have lost. The flesh (and this includes the soul) is weak and will always take the path of comfort and minimal disturbance. I'm not sure we will never win over any addiction by "trying harder" or "positive thinking."
AA groups talk about "one day at a time." There's definitely something in that for me. I mentally visualise each day and pick where my temptations will most likely pop up and put strategies in place so I don't "go there." Wife not home? Go for a walk until she returns, mow the lawn, whatever. Late night on assignments? Avoid the net, or give myself stretching breaks every 15 minutes to alleviate energy build-up.
Tell two other people about what you're going through. There is a proverb: "The further you run from a ghost, the bigger it's shadow gets." It's only when you tun and face it that it can disappear.
Email me if you need. I'm with you on this one.
