Completely Free

I am in a trial at this very moment, a trial of trust. Can I trust that God can deliver me from lust? Today I have given in to temptation and I have fallen into lust. Why? I have been praying along with an accountability partner day and night. I have resisted the thoughts and images that plague me daily. I have bounced my eyes off all images that might compromise my ability to resist future temptation as well. I have given thanks to God for his protection and his grace each night. I even gave my testimony to others about the fact that I can do nothing without the life giving power of God. Well last night, (3:30 am) after 12 consecutive days and nights without giving into the sin of lust, I failed. I failed to reach a goal that my accountability partner (read James 5:16) and I had set, to reach 40 days and nights without masturbating or looking at any type of pornography. Not to mention the fact that I failed again at around 9:00 am. (which was even more shameful because I felt like I had somewhat of a choice that time) because I believed the old lie that says, "Well you might as well do it again, you already failed once." This is actually common ground to me. I sin and then I repent. I go a little further, sin, and then repent. I feel guilty, I get over it and then the cycle starts all over again. Though there has been major improvement through accountability software for my computer, trashing my porn, praying for my accountability partner every day and night, and the everyday flight from lust at school or any public place I find myself in. Through the abstinence I have found more time for other things like small groups, prayer, helping others, fitness (basketball, recently mountain biking through Atlanta), study, etc. So, I am glad to say that the time spent on my knees asking for forgiveness has become less and my praise to God has been more. The past has been a rough road of confusion and seeking (because it is not common for people to share about their battle with these dark secrets, thank God for xxxchurch). My on going quest for answers to questions like: "Is it OK to masturbate if I don't look at porn?" "Did God create me to have an urgency to seek pleasure?" "Is it OK to have sex before marriage, as long as I don't cheat on her?" "Can I look at porn that doesn't seem to be degrading to the girls (soft-core)?" "Can I just masturbate using old memories as long as I don't look at anymore porn?" "Can I just get a BJ or a "hand" from my girlfriend, as long as I don't have intercourse?" "Can I have sex with my partner if I at least consider marriage with her?" "Why, when I ask God to take these desires from me, do I still have the desires? "How many times will God forgive me?" And the list goes on and on. Well the answer for me (and I'm just speaking for myself) is to completely stop masturbating, and refrain from sex (in any form) until I am married. This is a big order, considering I'm 28 years old and attend a college with 28,000 students. I have made up my mind though to seek the answers that God has for me and only me. I can't compare myself to anyone else, Christian or not. I can only listen to what God says in his word and the truth that he has spoken to my life.
Today I asked God for forgiveness. I asked him to wash my life clean of these filthy thoughts of lust. I asked Jesus to bridge that gap that sin tries to create between God and me. The truth is that I am falling deep in love with God and my relationship with him is growing enormously every new day. I don't want sin to interrupt this love for one second! After asking God to forgive me, I started my daily devotional. I prayed that God would reveal his word, (the Bible) and daily bread, to my life. I started to read his word and immediately doubt started to invade my mind. Doubt and confusion started to pour in and I knew it wasn't from God (read John 10:10). I asked God to guard my mind and I gave thanks (out loud) for the forgiveness of my sins. I continued to read, and again, thoughts of shame and doubt were floating in and out of my mind. I had to stop reading and I had to pray again because I couldn't read without distortion. I started to get frustrated with myself and God because these thoughts didn't go away immediately, but I was reminded that I must be doing something right or I wouldn't be "under attack" like this. This time I prayed a very honest prayer to God that went like this: "What did I do wrong this time?" "How could I have avoided this?" "Did I not pray?" "Did I not expose my sin to a friend and ask for help?" "Were my friends’ prayers not enough?" "Is there something obvious that I am not seeing?" "Is there something that I already know but refuse to acknowledge?" "Is there something I've missed, or something I have yet to hear?" "Please hear my cry Jesus!" "Tell me what I'm doing wrong!" "I love you and I desperately need you!" "Teach me!" I sat still for a moment with my eyes closed and I heard (no, not audibly) a quiet and quick voice saying "You cannot repay me." After thinking on this for a moment, I understand that the gift of forgiveness and the love that he distributes is not only, never-ending, and everlasting, but that his gift is COMPLETELY FREE. I can do nothing to repay him for the salvation I have through his son Jesus Christ. I have also read the testimonies of other people who struggle with the same things I battle with. Even though I have failed today, I am very happy to know that there are others who also walk this path. I see that there is victory over this dreadful sin of lust, found only through God's amazing grace (read Hebrews 4:15). It is my hope that I will continue to look to God, (good times or bad) through the examples set by Jesus Christ, who never lost sight of the goal he was sent here for....to save the world. I have faith that God is who he says he is and will do what he says he will do. The apostle Paul writes it this way: Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it out on to completion it until the day of Christ Jesus; PHILIPPIANS 1:6. I love you Jesus, you are mighty to save! Pray for me brothers, I know we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us and I believe in what we're doing. Blessings, Jason C.