Double life
I started struggling with lust at a very young age. I remember fantasizing about some of the girls when I was in the first grade. My father left when I was very young and I was raised in a house with all women. I don't know how young I was when I looked at my first pornographic image but I do know that I have been a Christian since I was four. It was difficult knowing what to do when I knew porn was wrong yet my own mother was the one who encouraged me to masturbate in order to deal with the urges. Currently I am a leader in my church though not necessarily in title. I know that many of the youth look up to me with high respect as do many of the adults. I have been struggling realising that God is full of grace and mercy yet I am continually slapping Him in the face. I feel like His mercy will run out and even know I feel a division between us. I know that His mercy won't run out of course but it is almost as if I can feel the pain it is causing Him and that truly frightens me. I am not currently in a relationship but I still continually think of my future wife and children. I am scared and I feel alone and weak and I just want it all to end. Please pray for me because my strength is not enough to beat this.
The story you told is very pitiful, though you were brave enough to speak that out. Thank you for that.
The sin you are struggling with has nothing to do with YOUR strength! It is only the power of the Cross, of the Victory gained there that gives us purity, righteousness through faith, not through our deeds.
I will pray for you, bro. You are not alone. And God doesn't love you less, because you can't overcome this sin yet. The price is already paid, remember.
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to us all. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
I still struggle with the thoughts (and sometimes, though rarely, the actions) that lead up to and go with this inappropriate behavior. I, as you, have spent many years developing these wrong thought patterns and they are ingrained in our minds. I believe that it takes continual effort to, first over come these thoughts that lead us to our actions, and time to allow the battle against them to overcome the training we received in our past. What we need to hold on to is that God has always provided a means to escape these temptation and we need to find that way out (every time we are tempted).
Don't forget what Paul said about this very thing in Romans 7:18-20. “I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
Paul understands the struggle of our sinful nature and that it is now not him but his nature. Now that he is born again in Christ he is no longer that man because of the covering of Christ's Blood. However, he still lives in the flesh that causes him to sin so he (as well as you and me) must continue the fight to maintain purity in this matter. Never give up working out the sinful ways you have taught yourself (or that others may have) and always keep with you that God has forgiven you.
I hope this helps you, as it has helped me to just say it. This is my first time to this site and actually openly talking with someone other than my wife about this matter. Thank you for stepping out and allowing me to do the same.
