Holding On

Hello Everybody,

I am writing because I need prayer and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this very candidly or honestly.

I got exposed to pornography when I was 10 years old. My step father left a tape in the VCR. I thought it was my videos I recorded and it turned out to be porn. I watched it until my mom came home and saw me. I cried and asked her what was going on. She explained as much as she could since I was 10. But I was still curious so I would sneak into their room while they were gone and watch them. My mom always told me that I could not have sex until I turned 18 but she told me that masterbation was okay. This was the beginning of my sexual curiosity and self exploration. I could not wait until I was old enough to have sex.

I say all of this because this was the begining of my relaitonship with my play uncle. My step father would not answer my questions so I would ask him. He would answer. This went on for 8 years of my life, I ask him questions, he would answer in detail. He never did anything sexual to me but I was attracted to him because he is not my real blood relative.

At 18 I went off to college and we had a off and on friendship that never turned sexual, but now he has contacted me at 26 and told me that he loves me and wants to have sex with me. We have engaged in phone sex several times.

Pray for me because he wants me to do things that I never had any intensions of doing but they were my secret sexual fantasy due to the influence of the pornography that I have been exposed to. I have recently got out of a relationship that was unhealthy for me and I believe that it's just a well designed trap specially coined for me. I have been able to resist the sexual deviant calls of strangers but this is someone I have loved for 18 years of my life and secretly lusted after for 8 years of my life. ( I turned 18 and wanted to be with him sexually). I compared him to everyman I have ever been with. I am afraid of what I might do. Right now he is in another state but this man is unbalanced and he might show up at my door and try to get me. If he comes in my presence I don't know what I will do. He has made it known to me that he wants me sexually, that he has been thinking about it for a long time. This has been something I secretly wished and longed to hear for a long time. He would be the only person I would trust to do the things he wants to do to me.

Please pray for this girl. I just want to be more like Jesus now. But it is really hard because lust and chidhood fantasy and pleasure is running through my mind. I believe if I fail in this I won't beable to come back and be forgiven for what I have done.

Jesus and I have walked together when I turned 20 ( I did not have sex until I was 18 out of repesct for my mother)and he kept me in purity for 4 years but I backslide at 24 with my last boyfriend who I let live with me. I lost everything due to that and moved back in with my mother. I made that man my God and trusted in him to take care of me but he did not. God has been rebuliding my life and I want to be righteous but this is too much for me. I need prayer.

AD

Ty wrote on July 22nd 08 at 09:55PM

I'm really concerned about your relationship with your play uncle. When you said your not sure what he might do. This tells me you might be more than a little scarred!! It sounds like he has an emotional attachment to you and probly you to him. This is dangerous!!! Emotional attachment is like a heroin addict, each time they have to have more to try to satisfy the addiction. Only emotional attachment is harder to come off of than heroin, but it is possible with God's help. Plus it's possible for your addiction to be broken. I'll be praying for you and your family!!! God Loves You!!!

AD wrote on July 22nd 08 at 11:12PM

Thankyou TY for responding. Knowing that someone took the time to care is very encouraging for me. It has only been a week since I stopped accepting his calls. You are right this emotional tie is very hard for me and very dangerous. I am scared. He told me before he would come and get me. But I know my step-father loves me and will protect me. He has been a good example of what a man should be. We talk but still not as open as I was with my play uncle. I hope to change that one day. I found a connection from this site that tackles sexual addiction and I plan on following thier program. Keep me in your prayers. Thankyou.

Ty wrote on July 23rd 08 at 10:12PM

I'll also pray you'll find someone close to you that you'll be able to talk to you about this. If you want to email me questions or to get things off your chest just e-mail me anytime at *******@excite.com. Have you been born again?
God Bless You!!!