I didn't want it to end this way
My first experience at looking at porn was when I was 12 years old. I found my older brother's magazine, who was 17 at the time, and my next older brother who was 13 at the time, could stop looking at it. It was harder than playboy, lets say that. It was all downhill after that. My teenage years were marked by porn binge after porn binge. I would start setting my day by when I could look at porn. That would include not hanging out with friends, waiting up to use the computer after my parents went to bed, and so many other things. I thought that this problem would stop after I got into a serious relationship. I went through several relationships, not godly in anyway though I didn't have God at the time, I would just use these young women as I myself was a teenager. During this time, my porn addiction was curbed, but not nonexistent. Then I found my future wife when I was 17 and she was 15. My pornography addiction completely halted during this time. I thought I had put it behind me. We progressed through our relationship naturally. Then I went off to college, and she stay back at home to finish high school. Without my girlfriend me, my porn addiction just came back in full force, and I would start planning my schedule around looking at porn, when my roommate wouldn't be there, when I didn't have to call my girlfriend. It was really really bad. During Christmas break, one some afternoon as my girlfriend and I were house-sitting for my Aunt, the issue of porn came up out of nowhere, and I lied about it at first, but then I confessed to her that I had looked at porn. She had no idea how bad it was. After this time, I would stop completely looking at porn as a vow to my girlfriend. We progress naturally later we get engaged. Just after we got engaged, i started going to therapy because of issues that I had with my father who has been absent from my life since I was six. During this time, I gave my life to Jesus Christ in a very dramatic way. I love Jesus. My wife and I got married in August of 06, and for a long time porn had been out of my life. I thought I had it beat, by not telling anyone about it, by keeping it to myself, and thought that purely through the power of prayer that I would completely have it beat. I didn't. Porn came back. First it was just the TV, I have ondemand cable that have tempting things ondemand all the time. I started just with this, I knew that I could hide the things on the TV, that I wasn't going to defile our laptop that I am typing this message on, but it didn't last, it wasn't enough. During my marriage, my porn viewing has been much less severe than when I was a single teen and even when I was away from my wife for my first two years of college, but it is still a problem, a very big problem. I looked at porn yesterday for more than an hour when my wife left town for the day. I wanted out, I wanted to get caught. She found something incriminating, and at first I lied about the whole thing, but eventually as I felt God was leading me to, I confessed to my wife that I had looked at porn earlier that day. It was late, and we stayed up all night, and I continually confessed and apologized until 4 in the morning. She cried more than I have ever seen her cry, almost as much as the first time I told her. I know that I broke my wife's heart, and I am not sure whats going to happen, but whatever she decides I deserve it. I have downloaded Safe Eyes filter, and my wife is the admin. Things are going to change.
