New low...desperately seeking prayer

I’ve hit a new low and I feel awful. I’ve been looking at porn and masturbating since middle school and as I’ve gotten older the problem keeps growing with me. It seems like every time I open a new chapter in my life I feel like I can make a fresh start and leave this problem in the past…but every time I seem to end up reaching a new low. When I started high school I memorized the schedule of all the seedy shows on TV. When I went to college I dove into Internet porn. When I started in ministry and got my first place I rented my first XXX movie. It seems like each chapter had so much hope for a clean start…and then my longed for progress turned into deeper darkness.

I’ve been married for 2 years now and have just started visiting adult chatrooms in the last month. I’ve now had cybersex with 4 different girls and last night I swapped pictures with a girl and had phone sex with her. I feel awful.

I often feel like porn runs my life, and that I’m walking in a haze until the next time I can get alone to masturbate. I’m supposed to be a youth pastor and a man of God, but I live for just the opposite. I can physically feel the wall between God and my heart. I’ve heard of guilt like this before but have never been so buried in it until now.

I feel so defeated, so ashamed, and so helpless. I feel like I’m not only being dishonest with others but also with myself. I’m destroying/wasting my life and I don’t want to.

I guess the biggest thing is that I’m asking for legitimate prayer on my behalf. Knowing that other Christians are pulling for me will really help. Pray that I would be able to use God’s strength to beat this and that I might know his forgiveness in powerful ways.

I also want this to serve as a warning to other guys who might be dabbling with porn or some other sexual temptation, especially if it’s a new “level” of deprivation. Sexual temptation is NEVER satisfied! It keeps wanting more and more. Run from it as soon as it shows itself! Fathers warn your children about this trap before they see their first Playboy and talk with them frequently. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that would be, but I wish my dad had done it.

And finally know that I am praying with you and for you all. I pray that we might know God more and more, and truly trust that his power and love are bigger than ANYTHING we’re facing.

clara wrote on August 20th 08 at 06:27AM

New low

First of all what you feel us not who you are you are in christ you are not defeated you are not ashamed you are not helpless. This is a tool of satan that he gets you to believe that. The power of the cross has defeated satan you have the power through God inside you. Hate what your doing with a pashion , hate where your at, get angry that satans trying to destroy your marriage with this, God has given you the power to overcome

This is what a guy replied a week or so ago maybe this will help

I myself have been a man drunk in a world of his own fetish. I have gone places in my addiction that I never thought I would ever go. Remember my brother that you are not alone. There are many men in the Church that struggle with this.
Your honesty is a good thing. In means you want
to come to the light. Read 1John 1:5-10.
Jesus Christ is not a timid savior. He comes with power to call us His own. He does not look at the lust in the world, the lust in your and my heart, and say "if only that dark fetish wasn't there then I could really make use of that man". No, he comes to slay our idols, the bigger the better.
Christ is the fetish slayer. He loves to overcome giant sins in our life to prove his Righteous power.
I am now a married man walking in the chaste freedom of our Lord. (I honestly thought I would die a filthy porn addcit, overdosing on my own fetishes) If the Son sets you free you shall be free indeed. Take heart man and trust in Christ. He is able.

Praying for you , for protection overyour heart and mind and your marriage

Jay wrote on August 20th 08 at 07:31AM

Dont worry about it. You are normal just like everyone else. Every man enjoys a bat. Never be ashamed, it is in your DNA, just like food and sleep. This is what you have been put on earth for, to procreate. Enjoy also in the fact that regular masterbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Have one for god, one for the country and one for the queen.

Maksim wrote on August 20th 08 at 07:42AM

Dear brother!

I'll definitely pray for you, but besides that some practical actions are needed: you should confess that to your wife & someone whom you can trust, i.e. your best friend, your mentor, pastor or somebody esle. I believe, it is hard to speak out & it will hurt your wife, but dark things start to disappear only after being brought into the light.

And another advice: any time you are by your computer & feel temptation, simply hit the "off" button on the back of your system cover. Then if you would be so tempted you would decide to continue browsing that site, you'd have a couple of minutes for the Holy Spirit to warn you that you are doing wrong.

And may your life be purified & sanctified through our Lord Jesus!

P.S. Jay, you are such a jerk.

avraham rosenblum wrote on August 20th 08 at 08:42AM

Don't sin, but if you have, then-- say ten Psalms and go to a natural body of water and immerse yourself.
That is my advice.

Randallsix13 wrote on August 20th 08 at 07:18PM

Rather than beating yourself up, remember how loved you are-enough that the Son of God allowed himself to be tortured to death-FOR YOUR SAKE. Even when you do these things, you are more precious than you could ever imagine. Still, there is a judgment on us when we do these things. Sometimes, they are "livable", but what impact has it made on your very soul, hmm? What impact on your faith, the very thing that connects you to eternity??

Until I made a decision that Christ Almighty is what I TRULY wanted, I dealt in such things, and like you, was foundering. We may have been given eternal life, but we haven't got eternity to set our path straight and walk with Christ.

What it comes down to, my friend, is desire. At this point in time, you desire the things of this world more than the things of God (go ahead, ask how I know...).

Until we can stoke the fire, and re-kindle the desire to walk with Him and walk away from this (not merely throwing out magazines, movies, etc, since you'll only buy more later if you haven't decided to turn from this), we are only fooling ourselves.

It's not as hard as Satan makes it seem. It's all lies. All the desires, all the feelings of weakness, and lust. It's ALL lies, man!!! When we trade these things, for the things that God offers, we listen again to the truth, and not our adversary...

I'll pray for you, but you gotta do me one favor, OK? Take a walk with God. Go somewhere where you can just TALK to him. Listen for His voice. Feel that? It's Him talking, too. Now, what foolishness could be better than that? If you do this man, you'll see. And YOU can write comments for someone else.

You are loved, Brother. Never forget this.

Joshua Kercho wrote on August 21st 08 at 05:36PM

You need to seriously pray about stepping down as a youth pastor until you can experience some healing and freedom from this sin. Surround yourself with people yes, and ignore the guy who said it's normal, and ignore the guy who said the thing about the psalms, that's total garbage, but you need to make big changes in your life, NOW!

And it is unfair that you are calling young people to repentance and to living at this standard that you are not living at! In Christ we are all messed up people, but it's not ok to lie about your being messed up, quit hiding, expose the darkness with light so you can be healed!

Andrew wrote on August 24th 08 at 01:03AM

God who is unending in mercy will always take us back, no questions asked. Expose your sins in confession to Him immediately, and then start fresh through Him who washes us white as snow, who makes all things new, who casts our sins into the sea. Till we be turned again, then our face will shine, and we shall be saved.

Walk by the spirit, flee the flesh, and The Holy Spirit will dwell with you and keep you pure.

If all else fails, throw your computer out your window, and handcuff yourself to a telephone pole.