Porn Blvd.

First became exposed to porn in the 3rd grade. The neighborhood pervert had some magazines he showed us young boys. I still remember the black and white images of a couple naked and simulating sex. That was 29 years ago. My dad even had porn at his apartment when I would go over and visit him (mom and dad divorced). He'd go out and leave me alone to "explore" his room. Later in life, my friends had access to magazines and would leave them at my house. I secretly would indulge myself in self-gratification and would have a G.F.E. (A girlfriend experience) there; I would not be rejected like I was by girls I liked at school. I found it as a way to deal with rejection and pain.

I had neighbor female friends that lived next door to me. I stole their panties sometimes. I felt it was the closest thing to actually being with them. I even had one bout with bestiality. It was shameful.

The first time I saw porn movies was at the age of 18. I subscribe to a microwave service called **-TV. It was only one channel and late at night hardcore porn was before my eyes. I was hooked. The self-gratification and stealing panties kept going. So off and on through life, I never thought I had a problem. I came to Christ in my twenties and discovered by the Holy Spirit what I was viewing and doing was wrong. I thought I could just quit. But then I'd be hooked again. I realized that the thing I sought to ease my pain was destroying me. When I met my wife to be, I told her I had issues with porn and was getting help before we'd get married. The counseling was a joke. I went to what I thought was a Christian counselor, but we never even prayed together. We did get married and I have had many a struggle. I know I don't take care of my wife because I'm lusting at other women and taking care of myself.

Even the Internet has been a big problem. Even the late night ads for Girls Gone Wild (NOT Bible Style) leave very little to the imagination. Church is not even a safe place to be. Even in our **** Church service, many young women (high school and college) always seem to wear clothes that don't fit. The shirts go above the waistline and sometimes they wear tight jeans. Some even bend over in front of you and reveal their thong! I've even seen some wear jean skirts that are go down to the wrist on their arms. Are they there to worship or show off their bodies? It's a big distraction for me.

Right now my wife and I are separated. We've been married for years and we have kids. She complains that I neglected her. It's true. I've been so hooked on porn that I don't know what real love and intimacy is. My mind is struggling. So there it is. Out in the open. My life and marriage falling apart. I hope whoever reads this would pay attention and realize that porn is not worth it. It offers no life giving return. It merely steals life from you and others around you. Just pray for me to get some true counseling and that my mind would be renewed. Thanks for allowing me to share "my secret".

Danny wrote on August 18th 08 at 03:50PM

i'll pray for you. your honesty was brave

Ed wrote on August 19th 08 at 02:32PM

I have had very similar experiences. I will pray for your continued healing. Don't give up.

Ty wrote on August 19th 08 at 04:46PM

I recomend reading "Every Man's Battle". In there it talks about bouncing your eyes. Training your eyes to look at something else when you see something you shouldn't be looking at. It has really helped me a lot. Also get an accountability partner. Change will not happen overnight, but with God and your willingness to beat this addiction it can happen.

JIMMY SORRELLS wrote on August 20th 08 at 05:44AM

What does "Even the late night ads for Girls Gone Wild (NOT Bible Style)" mean?

Josh wrote on August 21st 08 at 06:40AM

I will definitely pray for you, man. A book that helped me a lot is by Tony Evans. It's called "Free at Last." and it's about overcoming addictions. It is very powerful and gives a lot of incite on how to overcome hard addictions. God bless.

Will wrote on August 21st 08 at 11:08PM

My wife and I have been married more than 20 years. She caught and confronted me about porn many years ago. I continue to be tempted and work daily to defeat satan and his offerings. I will pray for you and each person who has posted, as we all have a challenge before us and He is the only one who can help us to carry the burden.

ROb wrote on August 22nd 08 at 09:49AM

Yup, I'm in this boat with you brother.

One thing I have started to do is sincerely pray for the women in the pictures and movies I have seen. Not just for them and their salvation but that they would forgive me for using them. Through God's grace I do feel at peace.

It has really changed my perspective when I am feeling tempted.

MI Member wrote on August 23rd 08 at 02:15PM

Even if you're not Catholic, I would suggest speaking to a good catholic priest. I realize they're are a lot of rumors about them, but they work in 'persona Christi,' they are trained and have completely devoted their lives to the evangelization of Christ in Word and Sacrament.

Rodney wrote on August 23rd 08 at 03:44PM

I too have struggled with porn for decades. Its a generational sin passed on to us by our fathers. There is a christian counseling ministry in Anchorage Alaska that can help. On-line at akwellspring.com These are wonderful people who help anyone with any struggle you face in life. They can phone council, or hook you up with one of their people in your area. Be ready to be deal with it when you contact them.