The sin that I just couldn't make go away

I started looking at porn when i was in middle school. I didn't get really hooked until high school. It got to the point where i would craft up ways that i could be alone on the family computer so i could look at porn. Then in grade 11 i tried to give it up, i even went a whole year not dating trying everything to root these thoughts from my mind. I found that at the end of the year i was not successful in accomplishing anything but fooling myself... and so the cycle continued. I would give up for a while only to return to it in binge.

Then I started dating my wife. At that point i made a huge effort to remove porn from my life. I vowed not to think or view porn. I did pretty good, i think i only stumbled twice. We met in September of 2006 and were married by august 2007. Once i was married i thought it would get easier. However this was not so...see my wife was 18 when her parents divorced and so naturally she took really hard and had found love in a guy just before i met her. This guy not being a christian took advantage of her sexually, some of you could say well this isn't so bad. Well over Christmas, while we were dating she flew down to Cailfornia to meet up with a guy she had cheated on her previous boyfriend with. So she had sex with this guy while we were going out. I was seriously considering breaking up with her however after she had told me this. But God intervened and told me to forgive her so i did (since i was able to do this for her and show her love she she was able to change her ways.)

The only problem was she told me everything that she had done with these two guys. Now this was hard for me cause i constantly felt like i was second best. Imagine the worst nightmere you had ever had constantly playing over and over. Since i had viewed all this porn i would be in the shower or wherever and it would hit me like a large truck, i would see them together as if in a porn movie so vid that it i swear i could smell the sweat and hear the moans. The woman i loved...it broke my heart. I took it pretty hard but i managed to stay pure, but i became very jealous but i hide this away in my heart.

Since we've been married i managed to stay pure up until we had our cable tv hooked up afew months ago. Thats when Satan hooked me again. We naturally didn't subscribe to those xxx rated channels, however i could see the titles on the tv guide and it would stir up old thoughts. So i tried getting rid of the cable, but my wifes favorite series had not ended so stopping the subscription was not going to happen. So when i thought i had it all kind of beat and hidden away safely diffused....BANG

Like a ticking time bomb i went off. My wife went home to visit family for 4 weeks while i stayed at home and worked. AS SOON AS SHE LEFT i got on the computer and started downloading movies. I literally went on a binge for an entire weekend, with very little sleep constantly cruising around the web looking for pictures and movies. I managed to curb the binge and i have gone 1-2 weeks being pure but i constantly am being drawn back.

I am sick of hiding this from my wife. I want to tell her once she returns from her trip so i can be accountable to her and share these things with her. I really do love her, and it pains me to think of what i have done not only to myself, but also to her. Please pray for me as I try to root this evil from my mind.