What am I doing?

I don't really know where to begin. I will begin by explaining that I was saved at the young age of 8, and have never really struggled with faith until now(for other reasons than this, though, I doubt they are unrelated).

Since I was 13, I regularly watched porn and masturbated. My senior year of high-school was a different story, I was Drum Major of my marching band, librarian for both concert bands, treasurer of the Choir and an active Thespian. I didn't have time to watch pornography or masturbate. At night, I would fall asleep nearly instantaneously. That was when I was happiest with my life.

The summer after, I was a camp counselor at a Christian Summer Camp, I was in a cabin every night with 8-10 year olds... naturally, I remained sober.

When I started college, at first I was able to maintain sobriety to an extent. I was very busy, even taking 20+ credit hours. Once again, I didn't have the time. But after those busy two years, I fell into many a bad and sinful habit. It began when I lost my virginity at the end of my freshman year of college.

For that summer, I was a waiter, and the environment I was in was not a Godly environment, any man here who was waited tables before understands what I mean. I lusted over women, though abstained from sex. I worked late, often getting home strait from work at 4 or 5 in the morning, at which time, my parents were asleep and I was free to peruse the entirety of the Internet. Almost every night I engaged in this lustful ritual.

The next year in college, I met a girl, and we dated. Our relationship was a Godly one mostly. We did devotional, we always prayed together, we attended church. For 7 months we remained abstinent. I even accepted a position in a Baptist Church as the Minister of Music.

Then we both gave in to the lust. We made love. It wasn't a fully lustful experience. We were in love, but that didn't make it right. Even now, there is a part of me that attempts to justify it. Until then, I regularly masturbated and watched pornography. After then, we began regularly having sex. I stopped masturbating, because my lust was being fulfilled in that manner.


That summer, I realized that we needed to stop, so I began to refuse to have sex with her, she thought I didn't love her anymore. (She had many psychological issues that added to this) So after she would 'freak out' ( I can't think of a better way to put it) I would give in to her and make love to her. It was after one such occasion I proposed to her.

I had been planning on the proposal for a while, and the manner in which I was planning to do it was not quite after a bout of premarital sex. I thought by getting married, our issues would be solved, and we wouldn't be having 'premarital' anymore, and it would be fine. She accepted and we went on with life, planning a wedding.

I couldn't talk about it with anyone it seemed. Some friends would say, "It's just sex..." Others couldn't even begin to understand my problem. As a Minister of Music, had I come out about it to the church, I would have lost my job, (Which, I did, eventually, for other reasons) I felt trapped.

Next May, she decided to quit all forms of sexual contact, even down to kissing with tongues. This caught me off guard, and I reverted to masturbation and pornography. Our relationship deteriorated over the next 3 months, (not entirely due to this, it was deteriorating before this, and she had some major psychological issues to deal with). A week before our two year anniversary, I broke it off.

That was last September, the beginning of my senior year of college. I haven't had sex since, though nearly every night since I have masturbated. It has gotten so I will be reading a book, and become aroused for no apparent reason, and masturbate because of boredom. I took to watching pornography and even became quite proficient and getting around my school's (A Baptist School) filter.

For the past two nights I have watched porn and even payed a woman on a webcam to strip for me. Last night, I had already masturbated, and saw a picture that aroused my interest, and paid 3.64 a minute for 10 minutes to watch another one just to masturbate again.

After I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror, and the reality of what I had just done sank in. In two nights, I had spent nearly $75 to masturbate 3 times. I realized I had a problem right then. And I went strait for this site.

I knew about this site because I had it on my old computer. I downloaded the X3Watch and talked to two of my friends about being the accountability partners. They have graciously agreed and hopefully I will be on the road to recovery soon.

I wish I could say that the realization of this has given me an over-night change, but I cannot. Even as I typed this, I had to fight the urge to stop and go to a porn site.

I ask for prayers and advise through this, my time of need.