Where do I get help
I am feel trapped and ashamed. I am a respect person in the community, Christian, exec position at work, volunteer, council people on porn addiction and I am the one on the net.
I pray everyday for this to stop....
I have tried to live my life by they way my parents have lived theirs. It was so normal it was abnormal. I have divorced twice, one a abusive wife, two one that ran away with the rich guy and now married again. I support 5 house holds. 3 children living on their own, one ex and my home now. The only time I feel in control of my life is when I surf the porn sites. It is not the images that have me hooked but the the way I superimpose myself in the scene and the feelings it generates in my head. The world disappears, the hurt, the frustration, the feeling of being used.
When I get away to a place where the internet is not there I do not miss it. But when at home and alone after everyone goes to bed I start to surf. When on Business trips it like a binge and I just need to let the world go and get caught up in the moment.
I know all the lines to say, can work my way around any software so accountability is an issue. I can not talk to anyone in fear of be discovered in the community. I need help and do not know where to go. The city here is very conservation and does not have out reach programs. I need help before I lose all control. \I know it is easy to say I love my wife, the question is what the hell am I doing, I know the hurt it will cause, but i keep going back even after months of being away.
Is there help, i am lost
The bible says that a man who conceals his sin will not prosper. It sounds like you are miserable and by what you have described you aren't prospering. I know that you don't want to confess your sin because of your position- but it looks to me like that is fear and pride- two things that are not from God. As a matter of fact- God says He resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.
I am alarmed that you are counseling porn addicts if you yourself are struggling. My personal experience with that is that my husband for many years did not get the 'right' counsel because those who were "working" with him were also struggling or had issues of the like that were not resolved. It was very biased counsel and very messy and didn't help us at all- as a matter of fact it hurt us deeply.
Repentance is needed. You will not be able to go on like this forever. You have already lost enough- I pray you will make the decision to do what is right no matter the cost- God honors that!
Lastly, you may want to call Pure Life Ministries for some direct biblical counseling. WWW.PURELIFEMINISTRIES.ORG
God bless you.
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." (Matthew 5:27-29)
I too struggle with pornagraphy and because of that I had to take things to the extreme. I had to throw away all movies that had some sort of sexual gratification in them because even if I could not get on my computer I would find something. Second I now have a password that is on my BIOS. The only one that knows that password is my wife. And the only way I can get on the computer is when she is here and puts the password in. Sure I could reset the BIOS manually but then that would erase her password and then she would automatically know I did something or that I purposefully went behind her back to get rid of the password. So its kind of a hard thing get around. You need to starve this addiction before it kills you! And you CAN do it, im not saying its easy but I will say it is worth it. Paul said it best when he said:
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ. (Philippians 3:8)
Grace and Peace to you!
