Can't seem to get free...

I have never found a battle that I couldn't win. I've been a follower of Christ for about 6 years. With the Lord at my side I have conquered my anger problems, my insecurity issues, and have become a strong man for those around me to look up to. God has used me to be a consistent and strong friend when my friends needed it. I'm not trying to sound boastful in any way, just grateful. But the one thing that I have never been able to shake is my affinity for porn and masturbation. It's not the girls, and I pray for them and ask forgiveness for looking at them in that, its the sex. I'm just drawn to sex. I pray and I pray and I pray and I feel like I can't win. When the Enemy gets a hold of me, it's like I have tunnel vision. I see and think of nothing else. Even when I think of Christ, I can't tear myself away. And when it's over and I've snapped out of my trance, I want to cry when I think about the women that I've abused, the pain I've done to myself, and the knife that I just stabbed into God's back. He blesses and blesses, but I can't seem to break this. I've talked to fellow pastors and friends about this, but nothing seems to work. When I put up blockers, I always seem to find a way around them. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like my situation is hopeless. Praise God that this hasn't spilled over into my relationship with my girlfriend and I've remained a virgin. I want to get married and start a family and do God's work for the rest of my life, but this garbage is holding me back. Just typing this in has been a relief, but I know I need lots of prayer. The Word says where two or more gather in prayer, the Holy Spirit will move. I'm praying that the Holy Spirit will move in this part of my life and help me break out of this crap that I can't break out of myself. I need Him desperately. Please pray for me. Thank you...

Charlie wrote on July 18th 08 at 12:14PM

Yep, I know how you feel. I've started thinking of it as a hard drug, which has kind of helped as here in the UK the only way anyone seems to get off hard drugs is when they have no access. I decided to get rid of my phone, because it had interenet capabilities which totally ruined any chance I had of 'kicking the habit'. Next step was to get rid of the computer - seems drastic in this day and age, but it is possible. If you use it for work, switch it for a desktop and leave it at the office (a bit harder to drag a desktop home anyway!). I don't know, maybe one of your fellow pastors would be cool with you working out of there house so you can leave the laptop there if you've got no office.
Last of all, get rid of the interent connection at your house.
Worth a try, eh? Anyway, I'll be praying for you man.

Daniel wrote on July 20th 08 at 05:03PM

"User", I too know how you feel. Pastor too. Been on similar road, and knows the incredible stupidity of dragging God's grace and forgiveness through the mud, hating yourself for it, and seeiing a precious ministry go down the drain because of it. Experiencing your relationship with God becoming more distant, losing your Boldness altogether.
But, knowing it all, not being able to kick the habit.
Am trying once more to win in God's power.
With Him we MUST win!
If you need a prayer / accountability partner who understands, let me know (Reply, and if I may, we can email).