Is there really light at the end of the tunnel?
I am youth pastor. A "leader" to jr. high and high school students. I've been a follower of Christ for 8 years and throughout the last eight years, I question whether I've experienced true freedom from internet porn or not. Some people say God can deliver you from anything -- and I believe that, yet this has been a continual struggle for me. I've had seasons and times where I've done really well and been "free" of porn and masturbation and lust. But it is when I let my guard down, when I am tired, distracted, stressed, discouraged that I relapse.
I just recently started a relationship with someone very special in my life. I consider her my best friend. It was just recently that I shared with her about my last relapse -- last Thursday. I really tried to bear my heart with her and was completely honest about what happened and my struggles. She was not condemning, but I could tell she was hurt. Well, I've since fallen again and told her today. Obviously, she's devastated.
Quite honestly, I'm sick to stomach even as I write this. I don't know what to do. I have accountability partners and those I talk to about this. But I don't think I'm completely healthy. I talk to God about it, I pray, I read my Bible.
I guess it comes back to the title of this confession: Is there really light at the end of the tunnel?
First of all. Thanks for having been so open and honest about your struggle.
There aren't many young men who truly commit themselves to the work of God. They honour Him with their lives and He truly appriciates this. Ofcourse God also knows the very essence of which we are made. He knew the mistakes you were going to make as a pastor even before you ever thought of becoming one. Yet He didn't deny you the priviledge of honouring Him in such a wonderful way. He called you as you were to reach others like yourself. His loving eyes are still upon you. It's He who is cleansing you from within. This job He will finish and you will be free! Meanwhile, continue to be as transparent as you can towards Jesus. Whenever you feel weak (weary, frustrated, alone, empty, unappreciated, not wanted, filthy, and very low) call His name. His name alone WILL give you ease. Call the name of Jesus multiple time. You don't have to call it out loud or even audible. He's there to hide you when you're in need. Remember this, He feels your needs so much stronger than you do, yet He's able to overcome all the desires that will make you fall.
The special person you spoke about is indeed very special. However she may need to admit to the fact that every man and woman who walks with Jesus and does the work of God is not exempt from making mistakes that are related to the flesh. We don't know how great a struggle it was for Jesus to not have intimacy with a woman as is natural for a man. Yet this does not mean that He wasn't tried in this also. The bible doesn't disclose anything of such nature concerning our Lord's struggles in the flesh. But to me it is only common sense to believe that He also was tested in every field of human nature.
Ask your friend to pray for you to be able to feel the hand of the Father resting upon you always, especially when you feel weak. Father has a superb way of releasing His Love for one child through the intercession of another.
I hope you will continue doing this wonderful work you have started for God. Anyway it's He who's doing it all through you while He'll continue to replenishing you time and time again with the purest of His Devine Love.
The end.
Love,
Penelope
-- Fellow Pastor and brother in Christ
