Ended Marriage NOT Ended Life

My story is one where my now ex-husband has struggled with porn and boundaries with other females and sexual sin. He grew up in a home where he only went to church once in awhile but he sure knows all the Bible stories! I went to church my whole life and have always been involved and I know how to LIVe the Word and not so much the Bible stories or history. We were really able to teach each other a lot. He was not too involved in church and preferred not to go for much of the first few years of our marriage. However, it was he who initiated us attending a church when we moved to another state. He was learning how to LIVE the Christian life.

Then I discovered the porn. A friend of ours told us about xxx.church and we were grateful to have the free software and the accountibility. That really made a difference as he did not want the embarrassment or the pain that pornography caused. Within a week or two of working on the computer issues, I discovered a pornographic message left by a former coworker, someone whom I knew there were some boundaries crossed with. Obviously I did not know the extent. I still do not know the details or if it was phone sex only. Either way, we went to the same friend in the church who told us about the xxx.church and he counseled us. It was then that he made a serious breakthrough in his heart with living on God's terms. Where I thought I would be "woman" and not allow him to forget for a looong time, I had my heart changed and within two weeks, it felt that the whole trauma was a distant memory. He was forgiven and we progressed amazingly in our relationship, coming together to pray daily, and diving into the Word together. It was unbelievable! I was so impressed and proud of him, and thankful that God had worked in his heart to create in him the Christian husband I so very much wanted. At this time, we had a beautiful little girl who was around 1 year old and I was again grateful for his heart change so that our daughter would be able to grow up with such a positive example of a man.

We moved to another state around 6 months later. We found a great church and bought our first home. We were growing together as a couple and were meeting some amazing and strong people who were beginning to feed into our world. He was plugging along as a great Christian, except avoiding that which was hardest for him: these issues. As you noticed from the first paragraph, I said EX husband. He left myself and my daughter last June due to never fully dealing wiht the issues of his sexual sins of the past. He found himself involved with a cowroker who is not healthy and has manipulated him in many ways by using guilt and pressure. He left last June and is still involved with her. we divorced in February but not without ever effort on my behalf to attempt to help him focus on God and our marraige but to no avail.

He has been in bondage. He had always used alcohol as a coping mechanism but had relied on it less and less over the most recent couple of years. Since his departure form our family, I know he has been involved with alcohol and I suspect drugs as well. I believe he is currently involved with some substances as he knows that what he was doing was wrong but he is so tied to his sin, he atill can't let her go. He moved away from us long before our divorce and I filed for legal separation in order to "make" him pay for the expenses he left for me. That resulted in anger and bitterness towards me and furthered the process toward divorce.

Immediately, I had to put my heart fully in God and his word, and without HIM and the support that I have through many amazing people in my world (many who have reached out and attempted to support him as well), I am not sure how I would have survived. I have had very few moments of blaming myself; instead, I have been able to clearly see my mistakes but still have understood that the choices he has made, especially the more recent ones, were his doing, not mine. I tried in every way I could to be a Godly wife and mother and he still wasn't happy due to his own sins he tried to avoid or numb. I tried to make our marriage work, depite the dire circumstances that we faced and knew that God would help us create something new and more beautiful than either of us could have imagined on own own, if he would allow God to intervene. Obviously, he didn't want the intervention.

I am now a single mom, and although it is not where I wish I was, I am a lot more content with life than I expected I could be. Only with God's love and grace and with my ability to constantly turn toward HIM! It has been quite a test for me to always think of Godly things and trust when I am not sure how or why I should. I love my daughter and we are close and even more bonded, even at her tender age of 3. She has had very few visits with her dad and who knows how that will continue in the future. It is a sad story in many ways but it has developed my faith tremendously and has been an amazing foundation for my child. I know in my heart that my ex will indeed return to God but he is not at rock-bottom yet. I am not sure how long that will take or what God has palnned for the future but I continue to trust. It gives me hope that all this trouble will not be in vain for him as well! I am sad that it is taking so long but it is in God's timing... whatever that means other than I just let it go.... I am even more focused on wanting to help people, especially with the knowledge of the spiritual and what the sins we entangle ourselves in can do to us and thouse around us...
Thanks a ton for sharing. I am inspired by your story and and thankful that you are able to share. Like you, I never intend to bash my ex but instead hope that I might be able to inspire others and help others see what one person's sin can do if not dealt with, as well as the long term effect on others... I don't think we realize that our "personal" sins can hurt others... I am even more focused on wanting to help people, especially with the knowledge of the spiritual and what the sins we entangle ourselves in can do to us and thouse around us...well, this is a perfect example and there are many more examples out there!