Husbands and Wives

Today was the day. It finally happened. My wife discovered my dirty "little" secret.

She called me on my cell phone and confronted me about the internet files she found in the History on my web browser. What could I do? I was caught. The crazy thing is I tried to lie to cover it up because I was ashamed and embarrassed. She told me not to come home that night and she began to cry and weep like I have never known before. You see, I wasn't just watching porn online...it was gay porn. Yeah, I know. Contrary to how I know I will be judged, I am not gay. It started with an e-mail I received and that spark ignited a wildfire that I have been trying to hide. I was curious and let it consume me.

She cried and said she felt like killing herself and she cursed me out and hung the phone up. I broke spiritually at that moment. I desperately tried to call her back and after the third time she answered the phone, still crying. I dropped to my knees in public and sobbed uncontrollably, I thought my wife, the woman I love--the woman I know without doubt God brought into my life, I thought she had killed herself. I didn't want to live anymore. I figured it didn't matter because I already felt dead on the inside. I'm trying really hard not to cry as I write this.

I begged her to let me come home. The silence on the phone seemed like an eternity. And the drive home was even longer. I felt the Holy Spirit compel me to ask for forgiveness. I refused--I didn't think God would this time. I mean, I think I have abused 1 John 1:9 beyond the limit. I felt compelled again and muttered out a prayer of repentance. My wife didn't know how to handle it. We are a young couple, who've never had any real challenges--certainly nothing on this level.

When I got home, she sobbed uncontrollably again and locked herself in our bathroom. She couldn't look at me. After 30 minutes, she came out sat down and said, "How long. How long has it been going on?" I confessed everything and tried to tell her how much I love her and how I didn't mean to hurt her and cause her pain. She told me she still loved me and I broke out in tears. I thought porn had ruined my marriage. we talked until 2 AM and she forgave me. I told her not to say it unless she meant it, but she held me and told me it was true. I told her how sorry i was and she said we'll get through it. And then she dropped a bomb on me:

She asked me to forgive her for watching porn too!

She had been looking at porn sites (straight ones) in secret, but it wasn't a struggle for her. I was floored. We both had dirty little secrets and it almost killed our marriage. She cried because the Holy Spirit confronted her about the "splinter" in her eye while she was confronting me about the 2 X4 in my eye.

We held each other for over 2 hours and let the Holy Spirit minister to us and our marriage. We made a promise to be more honest with each other and openly talk about struggles we are facing instead of finding "alternatives" to cope with feelings and emotions. The word says, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." I know the truth...and I am glad to say that I am free.

Thank you XXXchurch.com, you are a bright light in a dark world. Thank you...