Husband watches gay porn...
I am the wife of a sex addict. We have been married 15 years, and he has been addicted to porn as long as I can remember. It used to be porn of all kind, but at this point it is gay porn. He also has had men sexual partners. He says he loves me and is also attracted to me, but I don't know. I'm very hurt and very confused. I've tried to be forgiving, and loving, and prayed that my forgiveness would help him to change - that he would understand what it really meant to be loved, and choose intimate love over porn and sex. But he doesn't seem to be able to stop himself.
I know he had a rough time growing up with an abusive and unloving father. He was always very overweight, and now that he has lost quite a bit of weight, he seems to be fueling his weight loss with pictures of younger men in great shape. Sometimes I wonder if he's desperately trying to get back all the things he thinks he lost or never had during his early twenties. I do understand he is a hurting person.
At this point, though, I am, too. I can't hardly stand to look at myself anymore because of the way I feel he sees me - or doesn't see me. In some ways, it would be easier to leave - but we have 4 kids, and we need each other's help to raise them. And down deep, I want an oldage-hood with my husband. But I don't know what to do anymore. It would be easier to stay and love him if I didn't hate myself so much for not being what he wants. I don't know what's right anymore. What should I do?
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe living in such conditions is hard for you, so thanks for bringing it out here. I'll pray for you, your husband, your marriage.
But I also want to tell you something. Don't punish yourself for "not being what he wants". You are both free, created in the image of God wonderful human beings. You don't have to become someone else to be a great wife/husband for each other, this is just both of you as you are going together on your path of life.
If the psychological reason for such addiction is his low self-esteem because of overweight, what if he started doing some sports? I've been struggling with such things in my life too so I think I understand your husband. After I have started losing weight because of sports I started appreciating myself more and more so these young men in the net were less attractive to me.
Another point is what doesn't satisfy him in your intimate relationships that he seeks that stuff in the net? If everything is all right for him really, then I'd think of his trouble as of spiritual one that requires fasting, spiritual war against this thing and other things. And if he would tell you that he is just feeling like that, you both need to proclaim that as a devil's lie that has impacted his life in this way. I used to think of myself as a hopelessly same-sex attracted person who has no fate in marriage despite of all the love I have to God. It took the Holy Spirit several years to break through this dark lie so that I could stop and say "Wait a second! God DIDN'T create me this lustful person, He has given me new life where I'm a slave of freedom in the Christ! So this whole idea of self-perception is just BULLCRAP!" And this did really help!
Ok, I think I'm talking too much, probably. Anyway, God is good, and "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"!
God bless you, dear sister!
P.S. We can talk more if you want or if you think that would be helpful.
Thank you. Most of the time now I feel more alone than I ever have in my life, and that's saying a lot! I hope that one day he can overcome this. If he doesn't, I don't think I can stay.
The distrust has turned me into an angry, cynical resentful bitter person. I am constantly having to seek forgiveness for my own attitudes, and that makes me even more resentful.
Today he downloaded a new google browser that pretty much lets a person hide whatever they do. He says he loves me and wants to be with me - but I feel so taken for granted and degraded by his attitude - how low in his esteem must I be? To have him basically saying to me, "I'm going to have sex with men, and I'm going to look at porn and you can live with it or leave". Do you think he even knows this is the message he is sending?
All I ever wanted was to be included in his life - to be his partner, and to be his friend and confidante and be loved and in his arms. That's it - not wealth, or glory or fame or a big house or any of it. Just him. That is still all I want. But the "him" he's becoming in all of this garbage that goes into his mind and comes into our house - that "him" I don't like very much. I want the old person back - the real person, not this muddy-eyed addict who throws everything away for an orgasm.
As for intimacy - no, things are not okay there. I don't think he knows what intimacy is, really. I wish he did - I wish he could - I think he would find all the things his heart really wants if he could just learn to accept love - real love - and quit looking for it in a sexual act.
I'm sorry to unload all this on you - I must sound very angry and desperate. I am, actually! I pray every day for the right to laugh, and the right to live a joyful life. It's just - this is the only place I've seen where I can talk very plainly, and hope that maybe someone will understand how I feel and the situation my family is in. Thanks for praying for us, Maskim - please pray for all of us, our whole family, because I'm not sure anyone else is and we really need God's help and I can't hear Him very well right now.
Loretta
