I AM TELLING MY WIFE TODAY

i just watched the rachel video for pornmobile confessions on the podcast.

rachel looks a lot like my wife.

which is why i'm motivated to send this e-mail finally.

some background:

**** *******
born mar. 3 1982
married sep. 1, 2007
struggled with porn since jr. high
life-long follower of jesus christ

i gave my heart to God when i was 4 years old. but i strayed from that in high school and didn't come back until 2 years into college.

i remember being really drunk at a new year's party i was having at my house (i rented a basement bedroom from my best friend's sister) when some friends from high school invited me to church the next day. they thought i wouldn't come b/c i'd be hung over.

after that day, i didn't miss a service for a year.

but just because i was getting back into the swing of things didn't mean i was transformed into some wonderful christian like my pentecostal upbringing said i would experience.

most sundays (at the late service, of course), my tithe would be whatever was left in my wallet after a night of hittin' the bars about 8 hours previous to that.

today, i'm glad to say, we actually budget for our tithe instead of me giving whatever chump change i had left over from binging. (**editor's note: i have to point out i DID tithe to xxxchurch until recently. we're starting a new church with a pastor friend and our money has to go there, but i still contribute monthly to xxxchurch. so if you check into that sort of thing, we're still being faithful with our money) (**second editor's note: the editor and author are the same person).

that same church i ended up going to one hung-over sunday ended up being the church where i would meet my wife. she's and administrative assistant to a pastor on the executive board (it's set up mega-style with a business plan, hence all the titles).

she's the wife i need. and i didn't even realize it at first. God's given her patience and understanding with my struggle. she's my accountability partner on my x3watch software. while it hurts her when she knows i'm going through a rough time, she hurts more for me instead of herself. i can't imagine what it does to her psyche (she's struggled with self-image issues and eating disorders) when she finds inappropriate images on the computer or realizes that i'm not being myself. but she can put that aside every time (ok, 99% of the time) to comfort me and pray for me.

but i still continue searching out porn. i don't wake up thinking of where my next fix comes from. i see cues to sexuality all over society on a daily basis and my struggles are triggered all over again. these are the habits i thought i would get away from when i got married.

for example, my wife wanted a cool dress from old navy. and she looks goooooood in dresses! they were out at our store in peoria, il and we were going on our honeymoon in a couple months to sydney, so i went online to oldnavy.com to get her that dress.

but i ended up falling flat on my face when i saw the models showing off these dresses.

it was like i had found that proverbial "sears catalog" at age 12 in the bathroom all over again.

i can't blame our society for my sins. i have a free-will brain just like God gave everyone else.

even my dreams at night are filled with sexual encounters with women OTHER than my wife.

and i hate it.

i can talk to my wife about my struggle, but there's always an urge to cover up my shame when i tell her about it.

how do you go about telling your wife that you just masturbated thinking about your girlfriend from 5 years before you ever met???

and i thought marriage would make a porn problem go away.

but since i have a wife, i'm actually trying now. i'm not addicted like i so easily could have been. i want to turn and run from anything sexual that doesn't involve my wife. and this is a huge step.

i look back now and can't believe that i ever spent money on porn.
i spent money on something that made my life worse.
i don't go to church hungover anymore because it's impossible to have a hangover when you don't get drunk (my small group is my drinking friends, but no one ever gets drunk).

but i don't think a porn struggle goes away. i think it's always a struggle. life-long.

but manageable.

through much prayer and an awesome wife, i've come a long way. and i'll go even farther.

that's why i'm typing this e-mail. it's giving me something real and visible to take to my wife.

the struggle doesn't go away by sitting on it. i will only get better by giving my complete honesty to my wife about this struggle.

so i'm sending her this confession tonight.
it's going to hurt. and we'll probably cry.
but i want to look back on this in unbelief like i do on my past now.

this is my half-way point.

i struggled with porn, maybe even got addicted to it.
now i'm getting away from it.
and someday, i will get completely away from it.

that's my confession. thanks for reading this long e-mail. thanks for loving porn-addicts of all kinds. and thanks for your prayer.

i'm going to tell my wife that marriage is awesome, but it's not a cure-all for porn.

but i'm telling her to we have a better marriage, and she'll know that and we can pray together.

thanks for being xxxchurch.

-**********

Saint wrote on January 8th 08 at 07:44AM

With all my prayers today, I will lift you before God.
He Will give you the strength you need.
Bless you,
-Saint

david g wrote on January 8th 08 at 11:36PM

Dude, wow. Cant believe how similar your story is to mine. Only difference is your married and i'm about to be soon. (your the same age as me too) Just reading that has helped me avoid temptation tonight. (going right to bed after this.. and it feels good having victory tonight) I'll pray it helps me now every night and every moment i'm tempted. Prayin for you and you pray for me, thanks for being open bro.

I sometimes wish the internet was never invented..haha (for real)

marshall wrote on January 9th 08 at 01:54AM

I hear you david. The internet sucks big time. But that is not my problem so much anymore, it's our direct tv. I'm 19 and my parents have child blocks on the adult channels but I still try and change the pass code some how and catch a glimps. I know I shouldn't and I know that i god's help I can stop this. I think xxxchurch has been the greatest thing that has helped me in this struggle. They have given me resources, support and a heart to help guys all like you no matter what age who are going through this stuff.

Hang in there guys.

eric chapman wrote on January 10th 08 at 11:12PM

thanks guys. i'm the one who sent this confession in, and i'm really glad it can help someone.

thanks for reading my way-long confession. i showed it to my wife and she cried a little, but we're so much closer even now even days later.

i'll be praying for each of you and for xxxchurch who's out there supporting everyone from porn stars to guys and girls trying to stay clean to porn addicts.

and good luck at vegas this week, guys.

Hamm wrote on January 12th 08 at 12:52AM

More and more, I am finding out that there is no 'fast' or 'easy' cure to this addiction. Every time we think we're free, we fall again; every time we let our guard down, we lose to sin again; every time we think we can handle it, we
fail again. There is no easy way out.

We can't do this on our own. But we have each other. And even more, we have Him. And thank God for that!

Posted from my iPhone

Steve wrote on January 13th 08 at 12:04AM

This is one hard battle to fight. I'm a recovering drug addict and I'll tell you what, looking at it 2 1/2 years down the road this is tuff. The consequences from from drugs where being dope sick, the consequences for this is that now I have a little voice that tells me this is wrong. On the other hand my thinking goes, well I'm not using dope anymore. What's a beek?
Well friends, I married my beautiful christian wife on the 15th of Sept., so were close in all aspects without knowing each other. I was doing well with this and even talked to some friends about it in my recovery group but I fell again and it sucks. We have a saying though and it goes "Until the pain get great enough will we change". For me that is remember what GOD has done for me in my life and appling it to this situation. We can have the faith to move a mountain but me better bring some shovels boys.
I just needed to confess this to someone before I tell my wife AGAIN.. I'm so sick of "I'm sorry's", its no diffrent than stilling money from our account to buy dope and saying I'm sorry. Don't mean much after a while.
GOD bless everyone out there struggling with whatever, I feel ya.
Serenity Prayer helps.
Thanks XXX FOR A PLACE TO TURN

STEVE

Joseph wrote on January 14th 08 at 01:53AM

im a gay guy,that is bad in its self,but i really love this person and i know in my head that i can never love a girl or anything,its just how i was raised and what i been through i guess when i was a child but i tried loving and girl but i cant.but i am addicted to porn and i know its bad,i really want to stop watching it because i honestly know its bad because i was raised in church and i know better then that,i just know deep down in my heart it is bad,but i

Joseph(continued) wrote on January 14th 08 at 01:55AM

need help getting out of it,post somthing that would help me please!because i realy need to stop,im going to start going to church again because i know that would help but i need more,any advice will help

Antone wrote on January 15th 08 at 09:36AM

A lot of times i dont struggle with pornography as mush as i struggle with masturbation. I hate it and i want to stop but i go three weeks without and i fall back into it again. It almost seems impossible. But i know its not and i need help that is why i came to this sight.

Ian wrote on January 15th 08 at 10:32AM

wow, your hope and faith is so strong!
At times i have had the creeping feeling that I'm never going to be free of pornography. Reading this is a real encouragement. thank you

Dave (For Antone) wrote on January 15th 08 at 04:05PM

I have a specific battle plan for you. Some guys I'm currently mentoring are working through these issues. If you're interested in living out Proverbs 27:17 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, let me know.

I'd like to lock arms with you and begin to see you to break these strongholds in your life. I have a battle plan that I've been using with them and would like to share with you. If U R interested, you can email @ davewinch@bellsouth.net.

Derek wrote on January 15th 08 at 11:44PM

Read should read, "at the alter of sexual idolatry." Great book, biblical counseling. He quotes scripture like twice in every paragraph. There is full victory to be had. One day you will be able to completely free from this. God's Grace is enough.

God Speed,
Derek

StuBear wrote on January 16th 08 at 06:07AM

Wow. I am the same age as you (origional poster), and share a very similar story. I'm engaged to be married at the end of the year, and I struggle with this problem a lot. I try to be as honest about the problem as I can be with my fiancé, but every time I confess to making a mistake, she cries. I HATE making my fiancé cry!!! It's not fair on her, it's not fair on me. I want out of this addiction... I just don't know how.

Todd wrote on January 16th 08 at 03:38PM

I have struggled with sex addiction for a long time, this is in addition to many other addictions. This got really bad when i was in technical school and had access to the internet. Some how I got into spanking and bdsm websites, I really dont know what got me into this, but I had found something new and exciting. this has been going on for the last 6 years. I have been married for 11 years and my wife never knew. She is a very strong Christian. and that is what saved our marriage. I actually went so far as going to meet someone to act this out, and it has haunted me ever since. I turned my entire life over to the Lord a month and a half ago and a few days later I told her everything. she was very upset with me and I was very ashamed. so much that I was sick for several days. Since then we have grown very close, The Lord has took everything away from me that related to porn and pills and alcohol. we pray many times every day. I listen to several messages a day, John Piper, Paul Washer, John McArther. Just to name a few. I READ the word everyday. This is what feeds the Holy Spirit, and has to be done through out the day. I pray every day for my thoughts and dreams to be pure. As satan will attack me sometimes while i sleep. I will pray for people that I have read about on here. If you are still looking at Porn read the first Chapter of Romans, then read it again. Then find the sermon called "Abandoned By God" from John McArther, if you know how to search the net you can find it. This will help you to make up your mind about the damaging effects of porn, not only on your life but on that of Christ's life as well.

mark wrote on January 16th 08 at 06:12PM

Hello all,
I think that getting in on God's perspective is extremely helpful to fight sin and temptation. One strategy I have employed is making a habit of considering the spiritual need of people. Specifically, when I am tempted to lust after an image of an attractive woman, I consider her spirit, and then pray for her. When I give in to lusting after someone, I am rendered useless when it comes to testifying, etc. What a waste of these precious last days. Our opportunity to reach people is passing quickly.
One other resource to help get God's perspective is a testimony from Bill Weiss. He was given a vision of Hell. It is extremely grounded in Scriptures, and very powerful. Here is a link to download a free video of his testimony. I have only seen "1st video testimony". http://www.freecdtracts.com/BillWiese23MinutesInHell.htm

Hope that helps,
Mark

KuntaKinte wrote on January 17th 08 at 08:54PM

i think that was the most inspirational email i have ever read, and i wont to share my struggle in time. thank you Men Of Yahweh for your site...

Chris wrote on January 17th 08 at 10:58PM

Broken..putrid..puking Oh GOD help me...Latched and chained in darkness..screaming. Release me LORD from this hell! Knowing light but hiding in the dark, the tears come again...My soul is racked with the tortured knowledge of my sin..bare before a HOLY GOD... Ah! "Wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death? I THANK GOD - THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD! SO THEN,WITH THE MIND...I MYSELF SERVE THE LAW OF GOD,BUT WITH THE FLESH, THE LAW OF SIN." Romans 7:24-25.

Dave (For StuBear) wrote on January 18th 08 at 05:07PM

have a specific battle plan for you. Some guys I'm currently mentoring are working through these issues. If you're interested in living out Proverbs 27:17 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, let me know.

I'd like to lock arms with you and begin to see you to break these strongholds in your life. I have a battle plan that I've been using with them and would like to share with you. If U R interested, you can email @ davewinch@bellsouth.net.

Stephan wrote on January 21st 08 at 03:13PM

Hi guys, thanks for this great site! I've been using your software for a couple of years in my ongoing battle with porn.

I share many of your experiences, as I'm also in my twenties, and got married last year. I'd however like to encourage you guys not to lose heart: there definitely is hope of getting free!!! I was an addict for over 14 years, and the Lord has led me to freedom by His amazing grace. I found the on-line courses available from settingcaptivesfree a great help in this struggle. Thanks to God I've been free from any porn for over a year now. Still, it is an ongoing battle (sometimes more intense than others), and I think it will be for life.

In addition to the X3church resources, I would definitely suggest checking out settingcaptivesfree for any of you trying to get free.

Gob bless!
Stephan.

John wrote on January 21st 08 at 10:14PM

Wow man im not married but 'god has sent me a Godly mate and i think she could be the one. after reading your confession i only hope that i can be that honest with my wife with whatever im stuggling with. Just continue to pray for me cause God has blessed me with a great leadership role in our youth at chuch and i don't want to mess that up. cause satan knows just where he can get me. but yet i must remember that i can do all things through Christ. i am tired of messing up so just pray for me that i will not let my guard down when i think i have this sin beat because that is when it is so easy to slip. also after reading your confession i realize that this sin of porn and sexual immorality doesn't go away when your married and that is someting i am so glad in know now instead of finding out on my own later. God Bless you man Streangth come through Christ

Dave (for John) wrote on January 22nd 08 at 05:39PM

Hey John,

I have a specific battle plan for you. Some guys I'm currently mentoring are working through these issues. If you're interested in living out Proverbs 27:17 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, let me know.

I'd like to lock arms with you and begin to see you to break these strongholds in your life. I have a battle plan that I've been using with them and would like to share with you. If U R interested, feel free to email @ davewinch@bellsouth.net.

Kena Marie wrote on February 2nd 08 at 09:59PM

Guys, talk to your girls. We may cry, but it is only because we need your strength. I have an incredible story of hope for all of you,
Two weeks before we started dating, God gave my bf a two week challenge telling him there would be a reward at the end and miracle of all miracles, he did it, and he is still doing it, 3 months later. He told me about this struggle that night before we talked about dating, and i am so glad he did. There is so much i do not understand, and i hope he never stops sharing with me whatever he is going through. He showed me this website a few days ago, and I have been reading through some stuff, it looks like porn is a bigger addiction than i realized, and I hope that I will be strong enough to help him through temptation if it comes back again. I just wanted to give you all some hope, you are strong enough with the King of Kings, mighty Warrior of all, Lord Jesus Christ and his host of legions of angels to guide, protect, and strengthen you. There can be breakthrough for all of you! Don't ever give up, 'cuz God will never give up on you!
Blessings!

Rose wrote on February 6th 08 at 07:07PM

That is so great that you have such a supportive wife like that. i have a boyfriend that struggles with porn, and it hurts me every time that he says that he has done it again. He loves Jesus so much, and he hates that he does it, but he keeps doing it. after he went on this website, he made a more consciounce effort to stop. he now wants to be a "porn pastor" and I couldn't be more happy for him! thanks for posting that because it gives me more motivation to stay with him and be supportive! Keep fighting that fight!

Ally wrote on February 17th 08 at 05:14PM

Hey everyone....I am 26 and engaged to be married in a few months and I just found out 2 days ago that my fiance has a large stash of porn DVDs, tapes and magazines. I found them quite by accident. It was so shocking, we've been together over 2 years and I had NO IDEA this was going on. To make it worse, one of the DVDs that I found is Bride themed. I am crushed and now I feel like I can't even walk down the aisle in the beautiful dress I've picked out because of what I imagine he'll be thinking about.

We've had the initial talk about it, but he has yet to admit it. I don't know what to do. I am in love with this guy, and know he's the one for me......but it's like there is this secret life of his that I never knew about. And after reading your all's stories, although they are inspirational about recovery, I am not sure I am strong enough or secure enough to make it through this and have to take this on as a struggle for life. I just wish I could wake up from this awful nightmare. I don't know what to do and I really, REALLY need some support and suggestions about how to confront and make it through this.

Please Help!

Jason wrote on February 24th 08 at 09:07PM

I was just wondering, with this x3watch, will it monitor everthing in my house(wifi) I was struggling, finally I'm an overcomer, eventho I'm tempted, I know that with this 3x watch that someone will know, or find out. I don't plan on looking but I just don't want the oppertunity to look with without anyone knowing. Just bought a playstation 3 and It has internet connection. My house is networked, so I just wanna make SURE that nothing can be viewed on other devices such as... PS3, PSP, Nintendo wii, or Nintendo ds (all Wifi). I own all the devices. Do I have to download the 3xwatch on all of them and is that even possible?