I don't know what to do.
I'll be honest, I am not a Christian person. I lost my faith after years of abuse and addiction. I am willing to try and find it again, but Im so afraid that I will lose it again.. and that's something I can't handle.
On to my confession,
My husband is addicted to porn. I have begged and pleaded for him to stop, the fights have escalated to everything from yelling to physical fighting. Everytime I see the websites, my heart dies. I have always thought porn was wrong because sex, orgasms, whatever- are ment to be shared with your special significant other. But when I wake up and the internet history has been deleted and the keyboard is sticky, I feel like dying. I don't know what to do because he is not willing to quit. But I can't handle it and I don't want to leave him.
I need help. Im so lost within my relationship that Im hurting myself and others. Im so torn up over his porn addiction that I can't sleep at night and I constantly cry.
I just want it to stop, the late nights of waking up and seeing him fixed on the computer. His eyes burn as he watches her, that slut, play with herself so he can "get off".
I just feel empty. Can anyone help me? Where should I turn, what should I do?
I understand about your anger and outrage. I became angry, bitter, out of control and quite violent at times in my reactions to my husband's acting out.
Nothing strikes the core of a woman worse than when the one man who has vowed to forsake all others and love and care for her until death parts them in this world breaks that vow and breaks their covenant.
I would not have made it without my relationship with God. That may sound rather corny christianese but it is the God's honest truth.
Until I learned to surrender and I mean surrender it all: surrender my reactions- surrender the outcomes- surrender my need to know everything- my need to control everything- my need to be right- my need to make him change... I lived in a self inflicted prison.
God was not asking me to do anything but press into Him, let go of the craziness and daily walk with Him.
I have grown stronger- and I have been set free.
Does my heart still ache- heck yes. Do I still have to deal with all of the broken dreams- yes. But I do not live in that crazy rollercoaster mode anymore. I am free and it is the only way to be.
You can take some baby steps to get here so you are not so overwhelmed. Please consider joining us over at Partners for Purity (www.partnersforpurity.com) there are a bunch of lovely ladies over there that will stand with you every step of the way. They are faithful to lift each other up in prayer and to be the hands and feet of the Lord as you journey together.
God bless you. You are not alone. I am glad you posted today.
