porn sucks!
Around sept. 2006 i stumbled on some porn on our computor. I didnt say anything to my husband( knowing he would lie). Instead I hired some guy to track all activity on our computor. I didnt really find anything but I felt God saying ask him about it. So i did. In Jan. 2007 I confronted him and as expected he lied, denied,&acted shocked. I Basically told him he was full of crap, I have had the computor fitted w/ a program and he was cought and he should just confess. A few days later he confessed to looking at porn. God told me to say"THERE IS MORE YOUR NOT TELLING ME". I said this over and over to him. That night he awake me. He said he had something to tell me. My thoughts were " its 1:21 in the morning! you want to talk now!" instead of saying this I said ok. The words that came next was a part of a secret he had lived, that would forever change our lives. He said "My brother molested me". At that moment all the things throughout the years that didnt make sense came back me to in an instant and I knew it was true. We talked. Soon after he fell asleep. I stayed up after that, wondering if our children were hurt in the same way, and setting up counseling the for that day. I had an amazing surge of energy and wisdom that could only be from God. God told me to let the porn issue rest for now. I knew ther was more but the molestation needed to be delt with first. He went to counseling and then we. The pain,intense. About four months later he would confront his brother, who chalked it up to, two kids goofing around. His brother is 4 years older and was physically and verbally abusive aswell. Then he told his parents. Their response"Thats a big piece of information and are you going to be able to still come to family gatherings" those were the first two things out of his dads mouth and his mother blamed herself, her husband ,my husband and his brother(for being irresponsible). At the end she had covered her head partially w/ a blanket. No hug from her and a cold one from his dad. Well, I was pissed and he was confused, understandibly. I asked him to go talk to the counselor but, he kept putting it off. He was clearly depressed and turning back into that distant guy. I knew something was up. His pain was deep. Soon, God left the blessing of a horrifing paper trail. An unknown charge on our phone bill. He found it and asked me to check into it, not knowing it was his charge from a private email address. I looked it up and It was his. I read his e-mail and at that moment he recieved a conformation of his registration to his profile for solicitation of sex. I got dizzy and went outside to check on my kiddies. Called a friend and cried. Later I confronted him(when our kids were asleep). I showed him. He denied. He was cought and lied to my face. I said I loved him, but he was lying. Well, over the next two days it all did come out. He had looked at porn for years, before and after we met. He visited men to give him oral sex, throughout our marriage. I threw up and cried like no other time in my life. I couldnt stop. I yelled. He cried too and left when my friend arrived. I went to my parents w/ our kids for a few days. I was so mad and hurt. I was done. I wanted out. God said go back, just wait on Me and what I can do. I didnt want to. It was too much, but how could I not trust my Savior. So I went back. We have taken each day as it comes and by Gods grace and a Butt load of good counseling I believe we are on the right track.This is the condensed version. There is much more, mainly about Gods great transformation of him and me seperate,as a couple and parents.
Why I write you? Well,within a few months of all this coming out I knew God had a mission for me.1. to talk about incest, nobody really wants to say it happens. Why it happens(very specific family dynamics). 2. Educating parents on how their inappropriate sexual behaviors can hurt their children forever 3. To meet these men at these places where sexual favors are given or bought. Hotels, video stores etc.. To go into satans turf and make known the son of man and his amazing grace and ability to free people from the enemys chains. To say "God has intended more for you".
I am not sure if am at that place yet or where I would even begin to do this kind of ministry. I am praying about starting a blog.
Please pray and give me those thoughts, if any come.
