SECRETS / PAIN / HOPE

My name is Jenn, I'm 39 years old. I've been married to my husband for over 17 years. We have a 6 year old son. My husband and I have been struggling in our marriage for years, but I didn't know what the problem was. He was very secretive. 3 years ago I found child pornography on our home computer, I was devastated. I confronted my husband about it. He's a computer programmer and made up some excuse about how our computer got compromised. I told him to get it off the computer and to secure it so it never happened again. A month later, I was going through his lap top, and I found the child pornography again. More excuses, but at this point, I knew they were just that. I kicked him out of the house.

Later we talked, he denied it and said it was another compromise. I wanted to believe him, how could my husband be addicted to child porn? He has a law enforcement background, he's a Christian, he's ex-military, a great father, a nice guy, everyone loves him. Then a month later I found the child porn again, and the photos looked just like my 10 and 12 year old nieces. I called his father and showed him the photos, then I took the laptop home and threw it in our pool. My husband finally confessed he was addicted to pornography, in a bad way, and told me that when he downloaded it, sometimes the "younger stuff" would get in there. But I found very little "older stuff". 90% was all young girls.

To make a long story short I signed us up for counseling, but he lied his way through the whole thing. After 12 months of secular marriage counseling, I signed us up for Pure Lifes sexual addiction program (at home). Again, my husband lied through the whole things. I eventually found out that he had been involved with a secret relationship with my 12 year old niece. Buying her gifts, toys, giving her credit cards, he even set her up with a p.o. box where she lived that no one else knew about. And now I've found out that he's molested her.

I am also a child of molestation. My brother molested myself and my two sisters. He was also into pornography.

I've now lost my house, my family, my husband, the father of my son, I have a restraining order on him, I'm spending thousands of dollars trying to keep my son in a safe environment. My father and mother in law are Christian leaders at their church, but yet they chose to live in denial and are protecting my husband's reputation by turning their back on me instead of supporting me. My husband currently has a legal case on the DA's desk where my niece lives. I don't know how long it will take to process, but it looms over his head daily.

I still love my husband. I still want God to bring glory out of this mess. He continues to deny everything, despite a written document I found of his confessing to some of it. It's the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I turn to XXXChurch to help motivate me to pray for my husband's salvation - to break the bondage it has on my husband. I pray that one day we can start a ministry to sexual predators. But for now, I have to sit by and wait on the Lord, trusting that he'll take care of my son and I while we go through the process of trying to recreate our life and find where God wants us.

Thanks for listening.

-Jenn

dan wrote on March 27th 08 at 09:40PM

you did the right thing. your hopeful attitude towards your husband says more about respect God more than anything else. You go girl!.

Optimism is finding reason to be positive
Strength is choosing to do so.

just remember that this Strength comes from God.

Chris wrote on March 28th 08 at 12:07AM

I am praying for your family right now. Please stay strong...

William wrote on March 28th 08 at 12:35AM

Jen, you and your family are in my prayers...I understand your pain...but stay strong! The battle is fought by God alone...we can not win on our own!

Jenn wrote on March 28th 08 at 08:16AM

Thank you for your comments. I want you to know that this battle is NOT over. I believe I was put here "for such a time as this." I'm saturating myself with the Word of God - because to be in a battle so dark as this one, you must have the full armor of God on - DAILY! I didn't realize the power that pornography had until I came here, and read the testimonies of others. This site has only empowered me more to continue my fight for my husband's soul. But, as I was reading in 1 Corinthians today, I have planted the seeds and watered them, but it is God who must make them grow. I can't change my husband, but I can change myself. My heart remains soft as I read and remember God's Word about how "those who are forgiven much, love much." The truth will set my husband free - but it will be in God's time, not mine. Until then, I remain faithful - with a "true love waits" heart ... and a heart towards others who are struggling with the same bondage that he does.

Suricou Raven wrote on April 2nd 08 at 09:10AM

Give up on him. He is too far gone now - just concentrate on keeping the children safe. If you have enough evidence, get the authorities to charge him - jail is the best place for him, just to make sure there are no more victims.