Standing on the Rock in the midst of a hard place.
(I’m sorry this confession turned out to be so long. It just feels so good to get it all out and know someone is reading who won't be shocked and appalled.)
I was in grade school the first time I looked at porn. I just watched the Pornmobile video on xxxchurch.com where a girl was talking about how she could still remember the first time she looked at porn, and it struck me that I could identify with that statement.
I was at my dad’s home remodeling business, sitting in the office while he and some other guys worked in the shop. I was supposed to be working on homework, but I was bored and wanted to take a break. So I decided to play around on his computer for a while. For whatever reason, an icon on the desktop caught my eye and I clicked on it to see what it was. It was a semi-hardcore 30-second video that someone had downloaded. I remember everything: the sound, the color of the paint on the wall of the bedroom… the image is seared onto my brain.
I knew about sex, of course, from when my mother had had “the talk” after my little brother was born. I had even attempted touching my little brother. That recollection sickens me, and I pray everyday that he’ll never remember that, but I know it was largely curiosity that spurred it. Finding porn on my father’s workplace computer was a confusing experience for me, though. The moment I realized what was going on in the video I got that “squirmy” feeling in my stomach that always let me know I was doing something wrong: I used to get the same feeling when I hid under the coffee table in the living room while my dad would watch the cheesy pseudo-porn horror movies he always enjoyed. Something in my head said “Well, if Daddy does it, it can’t be wrong, can it?”
That discovery opened the floodgates of a full-blown sex addiction. I remember once my mom caught me masturbating. Sitting down with me a few minutes later, she simply said, “Honey, it’s perfectly natural, but try to be a little more careful about doing it in private, ok?” Her reaction is painful for me to remember because the little girl in my heart still thinks that same question: “If Mama says it’s ok, then why do I feel bad about it?”
From then on, with the equivalent of endorsement from both parents, I felt pretty free about porn and masturbation. As I got older, as most girls do, I began to crave the attention of boys. But I was hesitant, because my parents were very strict about dating. I was torn between the opposing messages they were sending me. My relationships with boys were all very affected by that. It’s ironic to reflect that the least emotionally screwed up relationship I had with a guy in high school was with a very platonic “mess-around buddy”. I was also struggling with depression, self-cutting, and bulimia through these years, exacerbated by my parents’ divorce, none of which helped me with establishing the boundaries for a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. Even though I accepted Christ as my savior and was an enthusiastic Christian from 16 onward, I was a complete mess. Eventually, through a series of emotionally turbulent and sometimes emotionally and physically abusive relationships, I started to get the message that the only safe thing to do in a relationship was to give a guy sex (though never my virginity), but never love. I became a firm believer in the idea that love doesn’t exist. In fact, when my husband and I started dating, I freaked out the first time he said he loved me. I remember taking him to the only Starbucks in our little college town and sitting him down for a “talk”: "Please don’t say things like that to me," I said. "I’m not ready for that. I’m not even sure love exists."
My husband and I were both exuberant Christians, and even met in a Bible study. We asked our Bible study leaders to help us stay accountable, as well as my dorm-roommate and the family he lived with. Nonetheless, sexual addiction got the better of both of us. He had been addicted to pornography since childhood too, even though he had been raised in a loving, open, Christian family, and I was the first person he ever told. We wanted so badly to be obedient to our Lord and faithful to each other, and even managed to wait a considerable time before we even kissed. But we weren’t prepared at all with how to deal with the temptations that hit us. We began to fool around a lot, eventually stopping just at the brink of intercourse. Each time we failed I would cry for days, often resorting again to bulimia and cutting myself. He would feel terrible. Several times I called off our relationship, even our engagement once. But each time God spoke to my heart in his gentle persistent whisper: "You’re not going to run away from it this time. I made you for each other. You are not complete without him."
Despite all our mess-ups (and the exasperation of our Bible study leaders) I am happy to say that the joyful day we said our vows was the same day we officially consummated our marriage. But if I ever thought that was where our problems with porn and sex addiction would end, I was sorely mistaken. As time went by, I began to see that my addiction even surpassed that of my husband’s. As an online student, I have to spend many hours every week reading and researching on the internet. Occasionally-- and then more and more frequently-- I would find myself resorting to erotic stories and free video sites to satisfy this need inside me. I still can’t explain why I feel the urge: we have a great marriage (in all departments). I can talk to my husband about anything, including this. And yet I feel drawn to the gratification and convenience of fake love.
The eye-opener for me was one day when I was at home, supposedly doing school work, and my husband was at work. A friend of ours from church got online, and I started chatting with him on instant messenger. I knew I was having the urge, but I was also lonely because I hadn’t really been out of the house for more than work all week, and my husband had been working late hours. I had no one to talk to. These were my excuses as I talked about increasingly more intimate things with this friend. I knew I was headed down a dangerous road, but the friend didn’t appear to have a problem with it so I ignored my mental red-flags. We began asking each other “questions” about things that shouldn’t be known by anyone but a spouse. Finally, a switch in me turned on and out flooded the redemptive power of conviction. I suddenly asked the friend: “Would you be upset if you caught your wife someday talking to another man like I’ve been talking to you?” Suddenly he got very angry and cussed at me and then signed off. When my husband came home, I was huddled on the couch waiting for him, trembling in sick shame and desperate to pour out the whole story to him.
I do not exaggerate when I say I have the most wonderful husband in the whole world. He not only accepted my horrible story with saintly calm, but hugged me afterward and whispered that he loved me. But the damage was already done. I had never cheated on any of the many brief boyfriends I had dated before, so I had always assumed that “I couldn’t possibly do something like that.” The realization that I had basically become an adulteress within only a couple of hours tore me apart. I was not the victimized wife or girlfriend being abused or taken advantage of any more. I had become the abuser!
You would think the story would end here. You would think that I decided to give up porn and sex addiction and remain forevermore faithful and true to my own personal knight in shining armor. But…you would be wrong.
Recently, I had the urge again. I have been dealing with it for two months now, resisting with every ounce of will I could muster, avoiding the computer, and keeping as busy as I can with church functions, Bible studies, and school and work. But the lesson I’m learning is that no matter how much I resist, the urge does not leave. In fact, it seems to get worse! The Scripture that states “resist the Devil and he will flee” plagues me. Every time I resist he seems only to regroup and come back with a stronger attack.
I gave in finally today, after two months of resisting. I just ran out of steam. And I’m ashamed. I want to stop. This addiction has stolen any self-respect I’ve ever had. It has hurt the precious man that holds my heart. It has turned me into a fugitive, running from anyone who might try to find out my dirty little secret. Many of our friends are now having children, and I am plagued with the fear that if they found out, they might stigmatize me as a child-molester or viewer of kiddie-porn and never allow me to be around their children again. Worse, I have nightmarish visions of the horrible things I might do to my own children someday if I don’t manage to stop this eternal backslide right away. What if the legacy I lead them into is the same one my father did for me with the simple video on his office computer? I’ve talked to my husband about all of this. In fact, it was he who found this site for me, after I confessed my sin to him again today. He’s loving me through this and providing the most Christ-like example I have ever experienced in this world. But it’s not enough. I need more than Christ’s example. I need the saving power of my Lord himself. I cannot do this on my own. I have sunk lower than I have ever dreamed I would. And I feel like I’m drowning. I’m taking a stand on the only place it’s safe to do so: the solid Rock of my God.
God Bless
Your confession brought me comfort in knowing that there are others out there that understand. This addiction is such a cunning disease that even after repentance, accountability, confession and reconciliation with God and loved ones we may still relapse.
You are right that you can't do it on your own. I can't do it on my own either. I've tried. I've failed. Only God has the power to break these chains.
You have found that hope. Your confession testifies that God is fighting fiercely for you. I believe that He is fighting fiercely for anyone who may be reading this.
Dear daughter of the Father. I know how confusing it is to have the adults around you give conflicting messages. So many people are so afraid to discuss sex, masturbation etc. The draw of all of this is very real. But so is the damage. Everyone is looking for love and acceptance. Many of the people putting on the show for you are looking for love and acceptance. Who really loves and accepts you? The porn producers? The people on the screen? The man who holds you in understanding? The Father above that brought you and your husband together? Don't settle for fantasy that was quietly 'approved' of. You are not a little girl anymore. Journal if you need to, write letters to the Father, to Jesus.
I am someone that was a victim of a teenager that had no guidance about sex and thought of me as nothing more than a doll to experiment on when I was five. You have concerns about what you will do if you have children. You are not helpless!!!! You are not helpless!!!! As a young person you were overwhelmed. As an adult, write to the Father about the things you wish people had said to you then say them to yourself.
No one reacted for me when the abuse came out in the open. No one spoke to that teen. No one told me it wasn't my fault. No one told him that curiosity is normal, but porn is not real life. No one told him using others was not right. He's still addicted to this day. Still looking for something in the pages and pictures. I learned at five years old, the lie from satan that I was not worth protecting, I was not worthy of friends because other parents blamed me, and I learned that I couldn't protect myself. A colossal failure at five. What a bunch of crud to grow up believing.
There are lies planted within you dear child. What are they? Ask the Lord to help reveal those. Only He is the great physician that knows what makes us who we are. I believed I was a magnet for people with dark secrets. No! I played the part of a victim that signaled easy target. And the people that hurt me through the years had their own struggles they were dealing with and only the Lord knows their stories.
But on thing I know with all my being is the Lord loves each and every one of us!!! He's been faithful to you. The Lord doesn't ask for perfection, but He asks for faithfulness. Today was a low, tomorrow is a new day. Two months was a long time for you!!!!! Celebrate that!!!!!! Perhaps this next time frame will be three months or two months and three days. Still better than before!!! Two months was a victory!!!!
Hang in there. If the Father can take me on a journey to stop hating with seething hate, He will stay faithful with your journey!!!! You remain faithful to Him and celebrate the victories too. Acknowledge the mess ups and move forward in the new day. A day the Lord has made.
Amen!!!!!
I love you dear sister and you are not helpless!!! Move forward, both the Father above and the husband He brought to you are worth it!!!! And so are you!!!!
