SUPPORT NEEDED
I have a story to share that I would prefer be in the blog section. My name is Vicki. I am the fiancee' of a SAA and only just found out 11 days ago. I found out that he's been living a double life for 3 of our 8 years together. We have five children. All girls. Ages 4 to 18. He began when he was a teen I've now discovered. And progressed from magazines to videos, computer, and finally meeting someone online. He made arrangements with her to meet and they had sex 3 times. He talks of the raw sexualness of it. No cuddle, no talk. Just sex. No longer than twenty minutes each time and then he left. He does not even know her last name. He only knows her phone #, where she lives, and works, her first name, and that she is married and does not desire to leave her husband.
He pretty much lied his way through it all when I found out. But finally came totally clean. I have found that now that all the secrets are out, I am engaged, and living with a completely different person. I do not know who he is any longer. Even his eyes are different. It is not a bad thing, just a sad thing to discover that for 8 years I didn't really know him. I wanted to leave the instant I found out about the infidelity. I had him move out. He stayed with our friends, a married couple. He was required to be home in the am to take the kids to school and home after work to feed them dinner and put them to bed. Then he was to leave and do it all over each day until I said differently. I did not want to have to explain to my children. He did all this willingly. I would leave when he got home until the kids were in bed. I couldn't keep it together for my kids and I couldn't explain it to them either. It was possibly the worst way I've ever lived my life. I was miserable every second I was not home, at home, away from him and with him. I'm a black and white person. I've left every relationship I've ever been in by my own accord due to some intolerable behavior. But suddenly I found myself in this gray area.
I have never loved a person the way I love him. Too much really. I wanted to leave, and found I couldn't. I was so stuck I didn't know what to do. He cleared his computer of all porn. I checked and double checked. He leaves it out for me to look when I want. He leaves his phone out when he's home so I can look if I feel the need. He leaves his keys to his truck for me when he is home so I can go through it if I want and his wallet is left on the counter for the same reasons. He drove to her work and verbally ended it with her in person. She had no issues as she does not want to leave her husband. He went to our counselor who coincidentally works with SAA on a regular basis. There he found that he indeed fit the profile to a T, but fortunately on the mild side. His porn never escalated to illegal activities.
His bottom was having the affair and my finding out. He insisted it had nothing to do with me. Our sex life had been suffering for a long time with failure to orgasm for him and lack of wanting me. I felt I was the problem. I have always been open about mb and porn and not had issues as I felt we all need to sexually express ourselves in our own way. I personally do not find a need for porn at any time. But I understood that he did. What I didn't understand is that it became an all consuming activity for him. And progressed to unreasonable proportions. I now feel differently about porn. I feel it does ruin lives. I don't have a problem with the industry or the people who are able to use it with no addictions. But now I know that it has destroyed my life and cannot be a part of it ever again. I won't miss it, but he sure will.
He attends his first SAA meeting on Sunday. I have given him this link to xxxchurch and he is actively researching the site. I will be putting porn patrol on my computer and my kids. But I cannot do it for him. He must be the one to do that. Unfortunately in our town there are no meetings for spouses of SAA. So we are left to go to Alanon meetings or Co dependency meetings. The twelve steps apply across the board, but I don't get what I need out of them since I can't exactly share the same problems. Alcohol is not a factor for us, nor is drugs. Just porn, mb, and infidelity. I went to the counselor yesterday for myself. He told me that my fiance's extremely favorable prognosis is due to me. That is uplifting and a heavy burden at the same time. When we discovered that this is a disease we are dealing with I was able to make the final decision to stay. My first move was to ask him for no strings attached sex as I was in need always having a rather high libido. He complied. It had been a week for him with no porn or mb. It was fabulous sex. I cried. I asked him to come home on Easter to stay. Things between us are amazing in regards to communication, bonding, and love. I have made it a point to be there sexually as much as needed and as much as I am capable. He has assured me that I should not feel that I am required to perform and that if I cannot it is fine with him. He intends to try to open Word instead of the web browser when he feels the urge.
We write daily to each other and go over it together at home when the kids are in bed. I know I cannot be his sponsor, but the counselor believes I should be his confidant. Trust is something he needs to have in me in order to be completely honest. He needs to know that I will be open minded and work the best I can with him through these very trying beginning times. I can do that. But I do not have my ring on. And I do not trust him. I am frightened every day. My very good friend referred me to this site and it has saved my life now for 3 mornings in a row. For mornings are the hardest for me. I am a stay at home mom and photographer. I have a lot of time at home alone and that can be very dangerous emotionally for me right now. I love him, I will stay with him, and I will be faithful to him. But until I feel the trust is back, I cannot commit my life to him again. We live together for the purpose of the children. But it is not difficult as we are so much in love. I miss my ring. I miss my fiancee. But we must now start all over. And I cannot be introduced in public as any thing more than a girl friend at this point because I feel fraudulent otherwise.
We had our first public appearance together last night. It was a rude awakening for him because I corrected him and my friends when we were introduced as an engaged couple. His heart broke. I explained it all to him and he understood. We made beautiful love last night. He concentrated on me and that hasn't happened in a very long time. I am grateful for him and I am frightened by him. But my biggest problem is the children. I cannot explain to them what we are going through. Most are not old enough to understand and the others are too close minded at this time to keep love in their hearts for him.
We are a blended family. I came with 3 he came with one and we have one together. We have custody of all five. It is a very precarious relationship that he has with my oldest (18) daughter and if I were to tell her the whole story, she would never forgive him and I fear hate him. She is angry with me because she knows there is something I am not telling her. She is a good girl who always shares every part of her life with me. And by holding back from her, she feels betrayed, and let down. This is my biggest heart ache at the moment. I know there will be so many more horrible hurdles like this one, but I don't know how to get over this one. So this site if my only way to communicate with others in my situation. I would appreciate feedback and I am so glad to read everyone else's stories. I hope all of us on the "other" side can stick to this blog. It makes all the difference in the world for people like me who do not have that available in their own home towns. Thanks for listening.
Please don't let some immature comments by others damage your recovery. I saw those on the site this morning and am glad that they were removed. Remember, all the horrible things that demons would spew out when Jesus was exorcising them. Don't listen to them.
I'm a sexual addict in recovery and your story helped me better understand what my wife is going through. I am going to show it to her and hopefully it will open the door to a much needed discussion. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for having the courage to share and know that it meant something to people.
I thank you for the support and the comments about not letting some of that stuff get me down. I showed my fiance' and he said the same thing. He will be happy to see all of the new and beautifully uplifting comments. Thank you so much for sharing that you are also a SA. If your wife needs anyone to speak with please tell her to feel free to email me if only just to vent if she needs. vicki_bartos@yahoo.com
And God speed in your path down recovery lane. The meetings are amazing for my fiance' and when he comes home amazing for me to hear what he's learned, heard, and shared.
*FOR TERESA:
I thank you for all of that. And I am learning as I type to let go and let God.
*FOR TOBY:
You are not alone. There are so many unfortunate souls like you and so many casualties like your wife. Please know your family is in my prayers and while I am still fairly new (16 days now) I am glad to know that there are people and places for both of us out there. God Bless you and your are right, He is our hope.
Thanks. There are a lot of tears were and have been shed. Still are. Every day is a struggle to get through and while I do feel we've already grown closer, I am not sure of the trust. I took my ring off and told him that I could not commit to our relationship with a "lable" until I could find trust again. We are still sexually active so am I crazy and just contradicting myself? Sinning? Cuz I'm not married? I don't know. I trust that he is sincere in his struggle to free himself from porn, mb, and believes himself to be an addict, therefore is walking that path each day. He shows me the daily readings periodically just to tell me what he got out of it. It makes my heart happy when I see him doing that, and going to meetings, and keeping the serenity prayer chip in his pocket daily and to see him rid his puter and install 3X and get rid of all contraband material in the house. But trust that he won't some how find another person to be with again, I don't know. It scares me every day. I've become dependant on seeing and being with him, so when I'm not, I am frightened, sad, angry sometimes, and always calling to find out when he'll be home exactly. I feel like a clingy girlfriend. I hate it. I want that trust back, but don't know how to get it. I miss my ring so much. I was just making our wedding arrangements 3 days before I found out if you can believe that. After 8 years, I was always the one holding up the show. I didn't feel like I would be good at ANOTHER marriage. And was afraid to fail so never made the leap despite all his attempts to convince me otherwise. Now I can't even begin to think in that direction. I feel like a raft just free floating with no land in site.
Are you suggesting that I should marry him? Part of his recovery means that if I am able, I need to be there for him as much as possible sexually to help keep him in our relationship and out of the porn and extra curricular relationships. While it is not my responsibilities, if I am able it is nothing but a good thing for him. And us really. But I don't think I can marry him right now.
