the effects of porn on your partner - a wives point of view

I've been married for a couple of years and before I was married my husband admitted to a porn addiction.
At the time I wasn't really suprised as I knew it was a problem with a lot of other young guys, although it was still hurtful but he said he didn't need it. I was in love and I believed him and I didn't hold it against him. A year later I had a hunch that it was still going on and I confronted him again and he confessed that he didn't want to lie to me and he was sorry that he was trying to stop. I believed him again but was still really upset as we were about to be married.

After we got married I thought that he would be done with it because he had me.. but one day I was clearing out the computer as I thought we had a virus and I stumbled on a whole history of porn. I didn't know what to think. I was hurt, angry and shocked but I just kept remembering his struggles and started to believe that the world was right. That everyone in the world said it was normal and that girls shouldn't worry.

I felt like I was trapped because I felt like I had violated his privacy and I didnt want him to feel like I didn't trust him, but at the same time I was so hurt I knew if I kept confronting him he would probably say he'll try and he would but I'd still get hurt over and over again.

So at that stage I decided to try and accept it and that it wouldn't stand in the way of our relationship that our love was stronger.

I even tried to look at it myself so I could understand it. I didn't feel anything. It didn't make me feel good. It didn't turn me on. It just made me feel sick. I shut out those feelings, and I shut out the hurt and I tried to ignore it and pretend everything was fine. I loved my husband so much I didn't want to deal with it properly.

This slowly took its toll.
I wanted to be everything to him, I wanted to perfect, I wanted him to desire me and I wanted him to not need porn. I slowly became obsessive over the way I looked and overly self concious, I would look at other girls and want to be like them because I thought he would accept me and love me more. It because this constant battle in my head, I have to be better, I have to look better. I have to be more. I started to become destructive, my self esteem was at all time low, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't compete and I hated myself.

I kept checking up on his internet history, even though he tried to hide it, I found ways to find out more. I became obsessed with what he looked at and everytime he did I had to as well, even though it made me sick I wanted to know what he wanted so bad.
I asked him again a number of times and he kept denying it, I wanted to so bad confront him about it but instead I held back. I wanted him to talk to me about but I felt like he would be violated from me as well. I was beginning to become so depressed.

I finally had some major break downs and started to say some pretty scary stuff, I'd never heard myself talk about myself so harshly and my husband was really shocked. He didn't know what was wrong with me but I went on to confess everything. I said that I couldn't handle it anymore and I couldn't accept this as normal as it was like a disease that was eating me up.
He was struggling so much with it he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me, but his lies really broke my heart.

I felt like this whole experience has broken me in a lot of ways, it has ruined my trust, it has made me into a jealous and obsessive person and it has totally ruined my self esteem and self worth.
I am so bad I don't know how to go back.
I am trying to accept his obsession, he know it hurts me, but I just dont know how its going to go away and how I am going to trust him, and be able to love myself again.

The consequences on a womens worth are devastating. He now feels accountable that it has now damaged me as well.
This site has been so helpful.
we have got the accountability software its our first step. and we have talked about marriage counselling as well.
I still love him so much but I cant bring myself to trust him or believe him, or believe myself.
We should of been honest with eachother and dealt with our own issues a long time ago
There is a long road of healing ahead.

Thornd Syde wrote on September 25th 08 at 03:46PM

My prayers are with you both.

Jordan wrote on September 25th 08 at 06:00PM

I will pray for you also and i had no idea it could have such an impact on a woman im sorry for your problems and GOD can fix them i promise

Michelle wrote on September 30th 08 at 09:05AM

Please visit Partners for Purity www.partnersforpurity.com for you. Suggest that your husband visit Higher-Calling www.higher-calling.com (don't forget the dash)

You are not alone. It would be so helpful for you to be surrounded by a bunch of women who know what you are going through and can love on you and pray for you and your marriage.

Higher Calling will offer the same support for your husband.

In no way should online communities replace your relationships in your own church and with your pastoral leadership but it can certainly be a bonus to that. :)

Tori wrote on October 2nd 08 at 03:23AM

I am going through the exact same thing right now. I could have written this myself. I'm praying for you and your husband.

Marie wrote on October 4th 08 at 12:20PM

I have encountered my husband acting out in this way, and we are dealing with his pornography addiction. What has helped us is counseling, and becoming involved in Sexaholics anonymous and the S-Anon family group. They have a website to help you locate a local group or online or phone group. This has helped us understand more about the addiction and begin talking about it and working on our own recovery. It is a place to share all of your experiences where others can relate and be a support.

Michael wrote on October 5th 08 at 11:30PM

thanks for sharing this as I have struggled with porn for many years and like you wy wife stuck by me throughout. I fasted for 7 days in repentance, as lead by the Lord, and today I am delivered and free by the mercy and grace of our God. What you have shared has taught me what my responsibility to my wife is.

I am sorry that you are going through this but I also admire your patience and endurance. It really is commendable and so Christ-like. There is hope in Christ when we hope in Christ. Your husband needs to hear from the Lord and also needs to be in an accountability group of godly men (1Jn 1:5-9). Sometimes guys accept defeat (aka "learned helplessness"). But, this is a lie because the Lord can heal us of our past and set us free. But, we must seek to find. Please keep praying for him, but also see to it that he has not given up the fight. He must not lose hope and keep seeking the Lord through repentance and accountability. He must hear from God as must we all.

Em wrote on November 10th 08 at 11:48PM

Please, please follow through with counseling...a good Christian counselor (and beware, there are some bad ones) will pray with you and use God's word to heal and lead you both. If he decides to drop early (like my husband did), continue to go by yourself. I have been going alone for the past year to a Spirit led, wise counselor. It has changed not only the way I relate to my husband and his addiction, it has changed my life and, most importantly, my relationship with God, our greatest helper. Get a reference from your church or christian friends. Every penny is worth it, trust me.