Broken heart; severed relationship

I just messed up again. I watched them again; I broke my Father's heart and mine.

I have been freed from it for months at a time, but I keep letting it back in. Sorrow trembles through my veins while even thinking about doing it; my blood runs dry and dusty from my heart as I ignore way out after way out presented to me. I know how it's going to feel afterwards; how I am going to hate myself, be broken hearted and in pain, and feel that separation from my daddy, friend, and brother, Jesus.

I hate the ramifications of it all; it holds me back, destroys my life, and tears everything apart when I do it. I hate it and yet I do it, again and again. When the going gets repeatedly rough, my heart grows ever-lastingly weak and I let it in.

I hate this separation. I am working on writing this Christian book... and I cannot continue writing it; I cannot even produce love from nor accept it from Jesus; it's like I'm a complete slave to this sin and I desire to be a slave to righteousness; a man who obeys Jesus; who loves Jesus.

He uses me, prophecies through me, speaks tongues through my vocal chords, gives me words of wisdom and yet, all I seem to do is award Him with betrayal. I don't want to do it anymore. I need Jesus inside of me, not only to feel joy in the best of times, but also to be able to love, serve, and worship Him (rather than sinning) in the worst of times.

Relying on the Spirit gets harder after each time. I need help. I want it. I desire it. I need prayer; I have confessed, and I want to pray for and be prayed for so that I can be healed. Help!

passion project wrote on July 18th 08 at 10:43PM

hold on man... your not alone. Just beware of the lies of the enemy, he'll make you think that you're in a dead end, that there's no hope in turning back against porn, but the opposite is true. WE ARE CONQUERORS! Bible says that.... live from that position not on your current condition. i'm praying for you now

Disciple wrote on July 19th 08 at 12:29AM

I'll definitely be praying for you. I know you can and will conquer this.

God bless you.



Heaven's going to be a blast.

Miles wrote on July 20th 08 at 10:15AM

Gen. Patton once said, "I don't measure a man by how high he climbs but by how high bounces after he hits the bottom." So bounce high and keep the faith. God Bless.

Mels wrote on July 21st 08 at 01:23AM

I do really understand with the ups and the downs, but one thing that I read that also changed my point of view, is God loves you not because you're doing right, but you're right being.
its not about what you did or will do, but God already died for you and me. don't let anyone or maybe your own thought tells you that you're far from God, cause its not true! He's always inside of you since you invited Him, and He'll always there.
its His Grace, that will make you secure and also makes you think that you don't need all 'those' stuff. God loves you! be bless