Confession of a beautiful, wonderful, interesting human being...

I just found your website through a link at my school- which really, really surprised me. Because I clicked on a link that said something about purity, and up popped this website called the #1 Christian Porn site. Ha. You can only imagine my face because it actually LOOKS shady, like some creepy spam link or something. Oh man. But anyway. I watched the intro movie for teens, and at first I was really creeped out and wanted to turn it off, but I kept watching and eventually I was amazed that God could be worked into such a thing. And then at the end it said to share your story. So I guess I am.

I've never talked to my parents about me & porn, but I think they know, because in the beginning I wasn't careful about it- even if my mom was in the same room but I thought she was sleeping, I'd look at it. Never in magazines, the only porn I've ever seen was on the Internet - pictures, movies, erotica literature, etc. And sometimes my mind would wander and I'd realize I was somehow, in the back of my mind, praying to God, but then I'd catch myself and be like, Stop! You can't pray to God while you're doing this! That's abomination. So I'd stop praying, I'd choose masturbating to porn rather than God. What kind of choice is that? That's ridiculous! Put in words it sounds really, really disgusting, which...it is. And was. I'm still struggling with temptation, obviously, which I probably will struggle with forever. Temptation doesn't just go away. You have to avoid it. And ask God to help you avoid it.

I give myself over to God every day. The entire day. So when night comes, and I'm tempted, I turn off the computer, leave the room, and read my Bible or make something crafty or cook something, so the feeling leaves me. Every moment counts. The first time I kind of "officially" watched porn was in sixth or seventh grade, but I was always really sexual. I remember masturbating when I was like, four or five. And I'm nineteen now. So it's been a while.

What's cool, though, is I'm going to this Bible study every Thursday night at a church near my house, and this month they're doing a series called "Ask Anything". They have a phone number that you can anonymously text questions to, and they talk about the questions they receive. Each Thursday is a different theme- last week was discernment, this week is...eh, I'm not sure. Haha. But one of the weeks is focused solely on everything sexual. Porn. Masturbation. Homosexuality. Everything. And it's just amazing that people are talking about it, and that I can BE there. In a safe environment, in a place where Jesus is welcomed and where the Spirit hovers over the crowd. Talking about the world.

I would go to more meetings like that, that are specifically about sex and whatnot, but I always get embarrassed about it. Like if I went to a seminar specifically about porn, I'd be so SO SOOO incredibly embarrassed about being there, because then everyone would know that I used to be addicted (I'm pretty sure it was an addiction, if you can have one to..."self gratification," as the girl in the video put it) to porn. I would feel so dirty. But I'm getting better at being open about it, mainly because it is a part of my past, and not a part of my present or future. I think when you're still addicted to it is the hardest to talk about it, because you confess to people, and then you go home and watch more porn. And it's like you feel helpless and aimless and disgusting. I remember every time I'd watch porn I'd have to wait a few hours to pray, like somehow the time would make the sin seem less foul and God would be easier to talk to. And sometimes it'd be really hard to ask for forgiveness, knowing that I'd just mess up again. But I've talked to a few of my friends about it, in safe settings, and that was okay. I haven't talked to anyone in my family, though my sister lets me know sometimes that SHE knows...like in church, for example, there would be a speaker who'd talk about their addiction to porn, and they'd pass around cards to everyone in the congregation to fill out in case they were addicted to porn and wanted help. She'd look at me, point at the box that said, "I need help!" and say, "Why don't you check that one?" And I'd sort of nervously laugh and not check anything at all. I don't know if I'll ever talk to her or my parents about it, but I'm getting help from other places (like you!) and the more I give myself over to God, the less I am tempted.

Also- watching porn made me feel like I wasn't a beautiful, unique, wonderful human being. It made me feel like I was just like everyone else in the lowest of the low- way down there, with all the pervs, the weirdos, the men who walk around parks half naked at night. (I say that to be funny, but it's actually happened to me. Running into one of them, I mean.) It made me feel like God could never love me. Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to you. Because I don't know who you are, but obviously you care. And obviously you're cool enough to talk about it. By the way - I feel like I need to add this, so you don't think my entire life is consumed by writing emails to strangers who run Christian porn sites :) I AM a beautiful, wonderful, interesting human being. A child and a woman. A lover who is loved. A vegetarian! Lactose intolerant! Interested in bugs and plants and the earth! An art major! A DIY-er, a hippie, a bicycle enthusiast, an environmentalist, a reader of the Word, a believer. A sister. A goofball. So thank you. I pray that God blesses you and what you're doing. ...Happy Thursday!

Tom wrote on September 4th 08 at 06:12PM

On this website there will be many words of advice on the main stuff, such as accountability, doing godly things, and getting your mind off of sexual temptation. Somethings that i've found quite effective would be the future sighting idea, and studying it. This is less of a godly sense and more of the physical sense, since Mast. and P are in both formats. Future sighting is a method i came up with. When you are in the situation of choosing whether or not to masturbate, stop and do nothing, and close your eyes. Picture yourself going online to view Po., not the Po. itself, just you sitting at your computer screen, followed by the actions witrh it, keep picturing it even after the act and notice the reaction that always follow, now flood yourself with the feelings you feel after Mast. and viewing Po.. the agony, shame, betrayal, and everything you feel. Think of what you will do about it, and how it will effect your life. Now open your eyes. You have now expirenced what will happen if you decide yes, so ask youself again, Do you really want to Mast.? the other thing , and much less important, just what interests me, is to study about Mast. and Po.. this does not mean studying Pornagraphic pictures, of what stimulates you more. It means search online and look for the negative effects of Mast. and Po. and other religios places other than xxxchurch.com. So stick with X3, and try future sighting. Doing it will keep you safe for one more day, but its better than having another check against your conciensus. (no im notsure how to spell the last word. sorry)

Roger wrote on September 6th 08 at 04:37AM

You are doing an awesome job. You're lucky, too. So many of the people that come here have forged chains in their mind that keep them shackled to porn. You were there, you did that, you're done with it.

Don't let your sidestep into porn bother you. We all trip and fall. But you chose to put space between you and the nasty place. Good job.

If you have questions, this is the place.

Today, porn has become part of the mainstream. People accept it more. But have no idea WHAT they are accepting. Porn has evolved from pure sex to a much meaner, degrading, violent act. Men are being trained to be brutal instead of loving.

I'd suggest checking out YouTube and searching for Shelley Lubben. She was a porn star. She has a five part presentation that is there. It's a very intense story. After watching that, you may never look at porn again.

Keep the faith. Come back. Ask questions. And I love the way you described yourself. You're a beautiful woman and you'll only get better.