Dealing with Dirty Little Secrets
It all started when I was in either 2nd or 3rd grade. I was sitting on my parents’ bed when I found a magazine. Curious as an 8 year old is I flipped through the pages. Magazines weren't often found in my home. What I found among the pages shocked me. I had run into a Playboy. I was fascinated and intrigued. I had never seen anything like this. My father quickly discovered my new treasure that I had quickly stolen from his room. He took it and punished me; but the damage was done. Sexual exploration took hold and I began a long history of masturbation. Being an atheist growing up, I had no moral compass. Society is so sexual today. I taught myself not to feel guilt. "This is what guys do," I told myself as I entered Jr. High. I soon began Internet porn. It was easier for me to gain access to anything I wanted now that I knew how to use the Internet. However, I didn't know how to delete browsing history and temporary Internet files. My dad soon thwarted me again. I had to get it somewhere. Masturbation was a daily, sometimes twice daily ritual. I often got so bored and had the house to myself often enough to masturbate 5 times a day. Now, I got caught a lot but I started looking at porn everyday or at least whenever I could. I had no woman friends as I entered high school. Perversion had taken over the inside of my head and the inside of my pants. "Lets get laid," I told my friends as we entered high school. Thus began my first relationship with my first girlfriend my sophomore year. I was shy at first but her ability to *ahem* be discreet in public surroundings got me out of my shell (and pants) in a hurry. Now I never went as far as actual fortification (thank the Lord). She broke up with me. Damn...so close too. I met another young woman. Mya, a freshman, began receiving my sexual interests and now that I was out of my shell I proved to be quite charming to a girl who had decided to never date. However, after two weeks my ex decided she wanted some more of me and I made a huge mistake. Again I still remained a virgin but I got gropy. Or is it gropey. I think its spelt gropey. Anyway, I felt so guilty and told Mya what happened. She was abstinent which had caused my sexual activities with my ex on the sideline. I felt so horrible and after avoiding me for a week she dumped me. I had confirmed what her friends had warned her. I was a user. I just wanted sex. I felt bad and I got over it but something persisted in my soul. Guilt. I soon accepted Christ into my life. Such a shallow relationship I had with god. At church I was a Christian but I didn't feel it. Outside of church I masturbated, smoked pot and looked at pornography. After a year I quickly quit pot. My mind slowly molded into something better however. Mya changed my life. Because of my mistake and her choice to break up with me I learned that I couldn’t do things like that. I can't treat women that way. They aren't the porn stars I see on the Internet. I went into my junior year hoping to stitch things up and pursue a relationship with Mya. Despite her friends’ threats against me, I went for it and Mya, giving time to meet me anew, realized I had changed. We got back together. I wanted a meaningful relationship. I was sent to Italy for 5 months and it was hard and but we made it work. I got no porn over in Italy but I still frequently masturbated. Once home, I continued my relationship with Mya relieved that it was no longer long distance. We then started having sexual activities with each other. I don't know what happened to her stance on abstinence. I began looking at porn again, not as often but I still was, while keeping a distance from god and church. I never prayed and never read my bible. I went on a hiking trip with a good friend of mine and former youth leader. My church goes through youth leaders like tissue paper. This was the first time he and I had done anything since his brain surgery. I spent the night at his house and then went to hike Beacon Rock (Washington or Oregon). Well, on the way back from the hike, we started talking. He asked my about my sexual impurities. I'm known in my group as the worst moral compass but I love those guys and despite my imperfections they didn't persecute me (gods grace is so beautiful). I told him same as usual. " I thought so," he said reaching into the back seat. "Here, I have this book I want you to read, you might find it interesting." In my lap he placed The Dirty Little Secret by Craig Gross in my lap. I thought I would read it for kicks. I have never read such an eye-opening book before. I read it in 2 days. I love my girlfriend, Mya, so much. I didn't want this to destroy us. I took all my porn, 2 magazines and a DVD (I ate an entire salted stick of butter in order to get that DVD. In class even...) and gave it to my mom. "Destroy this," I said. That’s all I needed to say. I downloaded X3watch on both of my PCs and told a church buddy to help me keep accountable using the software. I called my girlfriend and told her we would have no sex or any sexual activities in our relationship until I put a ring on her finger. "I want to stay pure for you, I don’t want sex to destroy us. I want to be able to make love to you without feeling dirty or guilty. I want god to smile upon us as we enjoy the intimate connection of sex within the sanctity of marriage." I said on the phone with her. "Thank you," she said. She was crying. "I love you so much, I am so lucky. God has truly given you to me. You have changed so much. I am so proud of you." I have also quit masturbating and my friends are going to hold me accountable.
It has been 2 days. It has been easy so far but I'm sure it will be tough. However, with my friends and girlfriend I know I can make it. I spent so long trying to justify this sin that had control of my mind and actions for so long that it kept me away from god. Now that its gone I can get closer to god than I have ever been. I love god so much. The Lord has done so much to me. I’m starting a bible study with my friends, I pray everyday and I read the bible every night.
Thank you so much for writing this book. I feel so free. Thank you for giving god a tool to use to save me before I hit rock bottom. I'm only 17 and who knows what might have happened if I hadn't read this book. Thank you!
(I had to mention part of your awesome confession in mine as well...I hope that you don't mind.)
Thanks again
