My Fight

My first sexual encounter was probably with a girl in my class when I was 7, I didn't really know why we were doing it, or what it really was. -- Thankfully we weren't having sex.

I guess this kinda set the stage because at about age 9 I decided to visit *a website* on my dad's computer. The feeling was sensational but I was confused about it.

I didn't have any contact with sexual impurity until two years later when I figured out how to masturbate. I started looking at porn and it became such a problem that I only needed the smallest excuse to masturbate. We had dial up Internet so anytime the net was connected I would look at porn and masturbate.

Two years later I was still stuck deep in porn when I got my laptop. We now had broadband so I could look at porn whenever I wanted.

I was always living in fear of being caught, anytime my name would be called I thought, "This is it", but it would only be something like getting called to dinner. One day my fears came to life; I was alone with my laptop with the door closed * you can guess what I was doing* when my brother walked in. Thankfully he didn't tell our parents because he had struggled with porn and thought I deserved a second chance.

So I was put on a sort of parole. he would check my internet history every now and then but he didn't find anything because for a long while after that I didn't dare look at porn.
A few months after I'd been caught my brother no longer checked my internet history and I began to slip back into my old routine. A year later (age 14) porn had a firm grip on me again and I was looking at porn and masturbating at least once a week. Each time feeling like crap afterwards.
A breakthrough came when I read Every Young Mans Battle. I didn't look at porn or masturbate for 3 weeks! I felt on top of the world and thought that maybe I was rid of my addiction, but I soon came crashing down. I lasted a week after that, less than a week the next time.
I'm always thinking how bad porn is and how it consumes you etc. but when I'm sitting at the computer I don't forget that It just all seems to have no effect like "Porn is bad!" but "So what"...
I installed safeyes on my laptop and thought I was finally free...but there are 3 other computers in the house and with my laptop now not working I'm always using my brothers computer which has no filter. Needless to say I've failed many times...And it's been getting worse; I was lasting a week without porn, then a few days, but recently I've been looking at porn every day.
I'm falling out with God, I feel like I can't face the world - especially the girls whom I regard as sisters. I've been told by one of them I'm such a great christian and I hate it that I'm letting them down I just want to get rid of this stupid addiction (I could use much stronger words than stupid to describe porn)
I go to a Christian school and it's unbelievable the amount of rubbish I hear from my classmates is unbelievable, making finding an accountability partner very hard.

I met the guys from The Fight and Craig Gross a while ago at Easterfest. They did some talks and through that I now have two accountability partners. Have some accountability in my life has been a great leap towards freedom. If you're struggling with porn get some accountability!

Thanks for listening..

Garrett wrote on July 3rd 08 at 08:39PM

Im the same way

Alex wrote on July 4th 08 at 02:10AM

Yeah, me too. I'm almost completely the same. I talk to some of my really close friends about it though, which always helps. but like you said, you eventaully fall back into that routine. Especially now that it's summer and there's no school ( i'm in highschool), i have a lot more free time on my hands, so it's hard because i feel like i have to fill up my schedule with other things just so that i don't do it. i dunno mate, i just pray and talk to God a lot, and it actually is helping. i just hope that it continues to get better...

Kenny wrote on July 4th 08 at 02:46AM

I totally feel you man. one thing that ive found that has really helped me is finding a really close friend (probably want someone of the same gender tho, so in our case, a guy) who i could go to and just let him kno whats goin on. after that, just keep a phone by ur bed @ night or have some means of contacting this friend wherever u go, and when u get tempted to look @ porn, just give him a call. its not the solution to porn, but it helps.

another thing u could do is to only go on ur computers when someone is around during the day. idk. stay in the word, and keep prayin bud. hope this helps

Andrew wrote on July 4th 08 at 04:13AM

Hello again!

I'm actually doing pretty good at the moment, I'm slowly but surely conquering my addiction!
A few things have helped me;
Accountabilty! (X3watch and my 2 accountability partners)
Having a good relationship with God
Fighting temptation with scripture (Check out Psalm 119:37)

Stay Strong Guys!

Andrew

Skylar wrote on July 6th 08 at 02:06AM

Hey man, I have a solution for you. This has helped me out immensely and has Godly/scriptural backing to it:

settingcaptivesfree.com

Once you get there, go to Online Courses ---> Sexual Purity and then choose The Way of Purity, which is a 60 day course. If you stick with it, you will have the victory brother! If you really want to be rid of lust, no matter what it takes, try this.

Kate wrote on July 6th 08 at 02:28AM

Thanks so much for sharing your story!! I have learned a lot from it, it's encouraging to know that there is really a way out of porn addiction.