Recovering...
I'm a 15 year old male, and here goes my story, everything to my knowledge. It's getting easier to tell it, as I know I am set free by the grace of God, and by Jesus Christ's dying for my sins. So, here it goes.
At a very young age, near 4 I believe, I became involved in sexual sin, the "M word" if you will, and, yes that young. Of course at that young age, I didn't know the significance of it or why it was wrong; I just did it for fun. It would continue off and on, "not being a problem," until 5th grade. It took such a toll on me though. Growing up through elementary school, I lived in what seemed to be constant paranoia. I felt like there were cameras in my room, or that people were constantly watching me, for something I didn't even do. In 3rd grade, I got saved, and my life started to change. Up until that point, I had been a rather selfish child. I thought everything should be about me, and I should have all the attention. I had a newfound revelation of life. It was all so confusing; I didn't understand it. I found myself actually wanting to start over. For example, with all the toys in my room, the stuff I had taken for granted. I literally wanted to throw them all away and start fresh. [ironic much?] I was so confused that I even felt like dying, because i felt so uncomfortable in the world I was in. Gradually, though, I started to change.
Of course, that didn't mean things got easier. When I was involved in my sexual sin, I felt more guilt, it was something new to me. Something that was fun and exciting, but also shameful. I was confused, and very much mentally wounded. In 5th grade, I went to a new school. I knew only 4 kids there, so it was very difficult fitting in. I found myself lying about who I was, all sorts of crap just to fit in, to regain what I lost by switching schools, my comfort zone.
Around 5th grade, I began looking at pornography. This only escalated my problem with masturbation. It started simply looking at pictures, then to videos. I didn't know what I was getting into. I looked at gay pornography as well as other perversions. Though I didn't want to go down that road, it was something "new" and "forbidden." It was exciting, but at the same time, I knew it was wrong. For example, I thought homosexuality, among the many perversions were some of the most disgusting things ever, but when I saw it, it made me sexually excited. I didn't know what to think. It was so much confusion; I didn't know how to handle it. It brought mental wounds that would continue. This became my darkest secret, and would keep getting buried deeper in my spirit.
Early in my journey into puberty, I received a book from my parents just around my 12th birthday, called, "So You're about to be a Teenager." It's written from a Christian perspective, but not an open perspective. After reading the book, and learning more of the facts about sex, puberty, etc, it was like a new burden was on my back. Something know that I knew, and was responsible for. From then on, my sexual sin brought me more guilt and shame.
I was a Christian, of course, but I didn't really pursue it very much. Chapel seemed boring to me, and I was bored with the Bible. However, in 6th grade, we memorized 2 Timothy, and still today, parts of it stick in my head, and remain encouragement to me. I greatly encourage anyone and everyone to memorize scripture that you enjoy, that brings life and joy to your spirit.
Anyway, in 7th grade, I had a good friend that invited me to his youth group, which was at the time, a part of the school. So, I went, just wanting to see my friends and such, but it really touched me. The passion from which people worshiped God. It was something kinda new to me. I sat through the messages, being bored, but one night, something touched me. I felt a rush of excitement and love for God. I jumped to the music as many other people were, but it was out of love for Him. Also, one night, I went to the altar, on my knees, and rededicated my life to Him. From there, I would only continue to grow as a Christian.
My faith was tested many times over the next year. It was the fact that I loved Him that really kept me going and out of depression. Through my late 7th grade year, however, and into my freshmen year, I became more and more addicted to pornography and masturbation. It was something I knew was wrong, and I wanted to get rid of, but I couldn't. It was because I tried to do it on my own. I would be successful for even 2 months at a time without pornography, but my problem with masturbation was not the same. There was a bond that was stronger than anything else in my life. I wanted so desperately to break it off.
I would continue struggling with it for a while. However, as my eyes were more set on Him, I found that those problems of lust started to go away. What happened? Well, I looked away. As I felt such a fire for God, I still dealt with those issues. About a week after our spring church retreat, I entered what was my worst ever dealing with my sexual sin. I felt so far from God I didn't want to go to our youth group, or talk about God. I felt like such a hypocrite.
As out summer youth camp was approaching, I really wanted to get away from that sin, and a real revelation that hit me was that God tells us to come as we are, heavy laden, and worship Him. At camp, I learned to lay everything aside, and to really have an encounter with Him. For a while, in my school I had felt so alone in my walk. Speaking of kids around my age, no one really stuck out to me. [There was one kid, but he wasn't there all the time, or extremely open about his faith all the time] I had been praying for a while for a friend that I would have a lot in common with, one who would accept me for who I am, as I believe in Jesus Christ, and to be a great friend.
Moving into high school, there was one particular person that seemed to stick out to me more than others. As I began to talk to this person, and get to know them, I knew it had to be God. We had so much in common, and so many of the same desires to see for the Kingdom of God.
For a while, I continued to ask God what I need to DO to start heading in the other direction, to finally be set free from my sin. He put on my heart to have an accountability partner. He told me that I already knew who it was going to be. It was that same friend. One night on Myspace, I asked him, and he gladly said yes, so we became each other's accountability partners. Through him, God gave me a revelation that I don't need to be dating until He gives me the OK. I hadn't realized it, but girls, and pursuing attraction to them was a big distraction in my life, from God. From that, I uncovered a monster lie from within me. I had been lying to the girl I like for 2 years, telling her that I didn't, etc. Well, in a matter of days, I went from living that lie, to letting it go, and telling the truth. That was all definitely a God thing.
Up until then, I had only told four people about my problems with lust. Two of which, at the time, did not see the godly side of things. That only helped me hide my guilt. [Also, I must add that one of those two is starting to see the Light of things.] I told another person, a good friend, and he gave me a word of encouragement that I still stick to today. "Just because a lot of guys do it, doesn't mean it's okay." The next person was a pastor of mine that prayed with me after an altar call. The act of simply admitting your sin shows that you want to change. After talking for a few weeks, I had really want to confess what I'd been dealing with to my accountability partner, but I never really had the courage to do it. However, one day, I did, and he was really understanding and encouraging. It's almost like, you're in a video game, and the more people you confess it to, the more energy you get.
Let me encourage you, that if you have not already confessed your sin, both to God or to a trusted fellow believer, do so. It's so cliche, but the truth really does set you free. So here I am today, on the road to recovery. Let this be an encouragement to you. Pray for both me and my accountability partner. There IS hope; there really is.
P.S. Oh, also pray for my school and MANY other schools this year. I know in the DFW area, there are going to be some amazing revivals happening in the 08-09 school year.
Sincerely,
Saved by Christ.
Aaron
I'm also impressed that you a very adept writer for your age. There might be a ministry you can apply that to in the future.
I've been a lifelong addict. It's taken me a long time to get clean. All I can tell you is, you need a plan. Play good defense. Accountability parter, great. Let the Word touch you daily. I put sermons from church on my iPod. It was hard to do porn after a great sermon. Know when, where and the circumstances when you are at the greatest risk. What can you change so that the risk is eliminated or minimized?
You're at a tough age. Hormones are on FIRE. Learn to redirect your energy.
Since you're such a good writer. I invite you to join me on something I started doing today.
Today is the first time I visited this portion of the site. I had written a confession to Craig today. Then I stumbled on this section. What I noticed was that all these incredibly brave and courageous people were making passionate confessions and there were no comments. No one said, "Thank you. Good job. We love you." So I decided to comment on every confession that didn't have a comment. And I'll do it tomorrow and the day after and the day after.
I'm a writer. It keeps me clean because it requires two hands and you aren't using a browser.
Join me using your gift of writing to just say something encouraging to these pained souls. I'd hate for someone to come here, spill their guts and have it be no more effective than crying in a closet and then go away. I know a kind word, a "good job" or a piece of advice might get a few to sobriety quicker or keep them there longer.
Will you come back and share some love?
I'm Roger... Hope to see you.
