Spill Your Guts, And Pick Up All The Pieces
Originally, I was hoping to keep this short...but I decided to spill my guts instead (not literally, mind you).
(Let me warn you, this is a long story.)
For the past, oh, let's say "lifetime", things have been pretty turbulent for me. I grew up with my mom, in a small town in the middle of nowhere. No sisters or brothers...no one. Occasionally, I would visit my father, who I would visit on weekends because my parents were divorced. One visit, (keep in mind that I was, and still am quite an adventurous person) I explored my dad's apartment, and I found "the stash" of magazines under my father's bed. Now, keep in mind, I was really young, and didn't really understand the "treasure" I discovered, that is, until I had a flashback later on in my life.
Over time, things got better...and worse. My mother and I moved from state to state a couple of times, and she even got remarried (to a much better man) when I was about 10. Then, the transitional period came in. I gained weight, I hung out with the weird kids on the playground, and I still had to visit my dad (thousands of miles away) in the middle of nowhere.
Going through the pre-teen stage was hard for me (as I am sure that it was hard for everyone). I was a shy little kid, not to mention curious. So in 6th grade, when all the boys had to watch the "boy-version" of the sex-ed video, I became a little more curious. My body was starting to change, and because I grew up in a broken household, I (sadly) still didn't know how babies were born. (Until I saw the video...)
So from there, the curiosity grew and grew, so much, in fact, that I began to use the most sinister tool of all at my disposal...the Internet. The worse stage of my life started; when I began to look at nudist pictures on the Internet. But, no, not just there, also in public bookstores. (That is where I would strategically place myself between the bookshelves, so that nobody could see me).
Altogether embarrassed, I would hide this secret from everyone I knew. That is, until I began to use my mom's computer to look up nudism on the net. My (new) dad found out about my secret (as he was very wise in the way of computers), and talked to me...after discovering the curiosity grew into an obsession. The change happened in less than a week, going from nudism, to teen nudism, to teen sex, to hardcore XXX. It got so bad, that I basically trashed my mother's computer to an irreplaceable stage. (Keep in mind that I was only about 13)
After lying to my parents, they showed me the damage I had done, and I collapsed into tears and anger. I promised to my parents and myself that I would never do such a thing as this again...
Over about a year, I had been confirmed in the Episcopal Church, I went to Church Camp, and I began to accept the changes of my body and mind. But, somehow, the nightmare came back to haunt me again for a second time. I had my own computer now, and I was relatively independent. But, I experienced deja vu from my previous experiences. When my parents were out of the house, one time, I sat next to the wireless port in my dad's office, and I went from sex to hardcore porn in less than a few minutes. That night, my parents woke me up at some ungodly hour, showing me the damage I had done to my own computer. It couldn't shut off on it's own, there were pop-ups coming up everywhere. So finally, we disconnected the battery. Two computers down, more to go...
From this point, my parents had little faith in me, so, they installed a safety program (on my fixed computer) that would limit the amount of time I could spend on the web, and would block absolutely any site that even gave the hint of "sex". After over a year, they finally removed the program, and I was "free" again. (But you probably can guess what happens next.) I began to look on the "safe-sites", where there was no risk of viruses (i.e. You Tube, Metacafe, etc). This wouldn't "feed the monster" enough , so to say, so I began using search engines for...you guessed it... "harmless" nudist sites. This continued for a few days, but from there I went the last step. I went "hardcore"
(intermission)
Now, I want to get this straight, over this whole period of time, I went to church...occasionally. We went from a Catholic Church, to a "no church" stage, to an Episcopal Church, to another "no church" stage, and then finally, we went to a non-denominational church. My family actually went with the help of our neighbors. And during one of my "post-porn-obsession" stages, we (ironically) went to a service at the church about...porn.
I must admit, at first, I hated it. I felt insecure, embarrassed, and totally scared about talking about the "s-word" (sex) and the "p-word" (porn) in public, let alone church! And because of this defiance, I fell into another porn-hole.
Over time, I changed (as teenagers do). But only recently, I fell again. I don't know where it came from! Only days before did I promise to god never to do it again, but I lied. I felt the lowest that I had ever felt in my entire life! I prayed the hardest I ever had afterwards, and received a blessing. I remembered hearing about some "XXXChurch" during that "porn-message" that I had so horribly loathed. From there, I just said, "Hey, go for it...it's not like you'll screw your life up any more!" (I'll admit, it was a very bad joke)
Once I got on the website, I found out where to start, and did so. I read articles, the introduction, confessions, and even videos (Note: The "Never Masturbated" one is very funny). But, I had barely scratched the surface. I had to take the biggest step of my life...I had to tell someone. But not just anyone. My own father. I called him (as both of my parents are in Vegas...), and we talked. After I hung up, I felt so proud of myself! I cried, and cried, and cried. (Real men cry.) From that moment on, I promised again never to make the same mistake again...well, that only lasted for so long...
You see, I bought "The Dirty Little Secret" book on-line, in reference to the "Dealing with Dirty Little Secrets" confession (If the author of that article gets to this confession, let me just say Thank You!). I have been waiting for it to ship for the past two days, but it seems almost like an eternity! And in those past two days, I have been battling with myself as to whether I would fall to sin, or live up to God. (The latter won).
Only a few hours ago, I sinned against the Lord, and fully admit it, and pray for His forgiveness. (I don't see why I deserve it, but I pray, nonetheless). I have not eaten a bite of food for the past 9 hours, and have been typing this confession for over 2 hours.
Now that all of that is out in the open, I want to get to the point. (No, you haven't wasted your time reading the past 20 million paragraphs).
No matter what your situation is in life (who you are, where you live, what you do), you can't give up! You may be at the lowest point in your life. But that is still okay! Hope will follow you there. A new day will come, and along with it will be a new sun. And when that sun comes, it will shine all the brighter! If you fall apart again, pick up the pieces! Try harder than you did before! You can do it! Never give up and never give in.
I pray for all of us who have confessed, for all who have rebuilt their lives, and for all who have fallen, and that God may forgive us all.
Thank you all, and may God bless you!
P.S. I will not give up, and will listen to God, and will try my hardest to live a pure life.
What youve written is an awseome testemony to your determination to follow God no mater what, even though your not there yet , ever step you take is bringing you closer to total freedom in christ even if you do stumble along the way.
I pray for you that God will fill you with his power and strength and encouragement , that he will keep you in his strength, becuase he that started his good work in you will complete it.
For this reason, I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man; so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21)
Clara
Use your gift to honor God and free you from your sin.
I'm in recovery. I found that writing keeps me clean. It requires two hands ;)
One of the problems that people face on their road away from porn is that the sin is self-centered and the path they attempt to use on the way out is self-centered. By spilling your guts here, you have taken an incredible step. You reached out to others. Knowing that you are not alone is empowering. And I want you to know that we are all here to support you.
I invite you to come back here and post comments of encouragement. I noticed that there are all these brave, humbled souls that confess here and no one was telling them, "Good job." So I'm here trying to lift them up, let them know they made a good choice, let them know they are not alone and they are loved for the decision to change.
Since you are such a gifted writer, would you use your gift to encourage others? When you take the focus off of yourself and reach out to others, you are doing exactly what Jesus did.
Also, understand that when we get mired in sin, we need to have a rebirth. When you are a newborn, you cannot walk on your own. You will fall. And you will fall many times. It is part of the process. So don't waste time scourging yourself with past sins. At this moment, you are clean and you are forgiven. You take it one day at a time, maybe even one hour at a time.
Have a good offense and a good defense.
A good offense begins with God's Word. Make a point to spend a little time with the LORD every day. Read His Word. Pray. Find a church that preaches the Love of Christ, rather than continuous damnation. You want to get healed, not torn apart. Seek a loving spiritual life.
I look at church attendance as a personally delivered Thank You Card To Christ. I've found so many things to be thankful for and I feel compelled to tell our Creator how grateful I am at least once a week. Church is not an obligation to me, it is a chance to spend sacred time with my best friend.
As far as defenses go... Recovery goes much quicker when you put space between you and the nasty place. The biggest challenge so many porn sinners face is it is too easy. The computer is RIGHT THERE in their room. It's too easy to close the door and wander into the nasty place.
Maybe you want to ask your mom if you can put the computer in a place where everyone can see you. The screen faces OUT. You can't hide.
Know that when you are home alone, that's a dangerous time. Turn the focus off of you, do some chores, clean, make your world a better place. Read. GET OUTSIDE. Walk. Call friends.
Character is described as what we do when no one is looking. You build character by making good choices when you are the most vulnerable, alone.
You fight this and win, one small choice at a time.
I have faith in you and I hope you come back here and post, again and again. Help save others and you will easily save yourself.
