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Does any woman out there who struggles like I do??!
Now that I finally made myself sit here and get everything out - it's almost too much and I don;t know where to begin.
I guess it all started when I was about 8-9 years old, I'd always loved reading and one day I came across a love novel of my mum's. It had some very vague sexual descriptions and I remember feeling kind of weird about it. I don't really remember how it started and around that time I learnt to masturbate. It never stopped and I am now 27.
In high school (boarding school) we had a lot of time to pass books around before bed and there were certainly a lot of erotic books. By then masturbation was a frequent thing and though I was an atheist then and had felt to guilt relating to God, I knew it was wrong. But I guess the power of sexual sin is that you find it impossible to break away from what disgusts you and makes you feel less than you are meant to be.
When I was 21 I was met by some Christians and studied the Bible, and was soon baptised. However the masturbation never stopped for long period of time. Even after I got married. And the sad thing is that though my husband is a practice Christian he too struggles with pornography.
I can't explain why, but I actually started to look at on-line pornography after I got married. I had a lot of issues unresolved from my past but that's another story, but for the past 4 and half years as a married supposedly Christian woman I have sunk deeper and deeper into pornography, masturbation, and perversive sexual obsessions. No amount of confessing seems to have cured it and I eventually lost faith in God's love for me and His desire to heal me. In the past 2 months or so I have reached to a new low, I no longer am convinced that God actually exist.
So here I am, trying everyday not to mess up, and carrying the burden that surely, no other woman is like me, Christian or non Christian alike. I mean, I am sure there are other women out there who struggle with pornography / masturbation, but it's always people who have had something happening to them during childhood, or teenage years - but always due to something happening TO them, unlike me, who seeked out sin??
The issue about men struggling with all this is talked about so much, even in church nowadays, which is great, but what about women? Am I alone?
Bo
10 July 2008 - London
Wilberg wrote on July 10th 08 at 02:21PM
I am not a woman but I am sensitive to my surroundings and I am sure that you are not alone. There are many women who are struggling like you and there are also those who almost don't have a sense of guilt while doing all sorts of obscene and promiscuous activities. But whatever the case is, God loves you and there is only one thing that can help you (that is on your part) and that is trusting Jesus that even if you think you are the most out of control woman in the world in terms of sex, he is always there waiting for you to leave everything in his control whatever is happening at the present. God works from eternity, don't worry about the time, I mean whether you'll be changed tomorrow or next week or after 10 years. If you trust Jesus, he will change your life.
anonymous wrote on July 10th 08 at 04:29PM
hey. i am not a woman either but i can only encourage and remind you that gods love is more than enough for all of us. i am only a teen but i have known everything you've spoken about. you may want to read my story, god forgives even the worst, posted on this site. i went through the masturbation and perverse sexual obsession. i actually only participated in one obsession one time, but i know the pain, shame and guilt that comes along with it. you are not a bad person, but only someone who needs help. i will be praying for you and remember: you dont have to live like this ANY longer.
anonymous wrote on July 11th 08 at 09:43PM
Well I am a woman, and want to encourage you. The people that posted before me are right in that you're not alone in your struggles. I am needing alot of work in the area of contentment. I am going to check out some resources that may able to recommend. So don't lose heart. You did the right thing by posting on here.
jess wrote on July 11th 08 at 11:31PM
i think it's so weird how girls become so exposed so young. i started at age eight and struggled for a long time. i am so happy you shared your story so that us girls can support eachother. my prayers will be with you.
Andrew wrote on July 12th 08 at 12:44AM
Take a look at yourself and decide if you feel bad for breaking the rules or for the act itself.
What your doing is not wrong in any way shape or form. Embrace yourself, your impulses, your feelings and know that these things make you a truly unique and beautiful human being.
If, however, it is the act that makes you uncomfortable the decision to stop lies with you and you alone. Praying will not stop you from doing what you want. That's your job.
What your doing is not wrong in any way shape or form. Embrace yourself, your impulses, your feelings and know that these things make you a truly unique and beautiful human being.
If, however, it is the act that makes you uncomfortable the decision to stop lies with you and you alone. Praying will not stop you from doing what you want. That's your job.
Bo wrote on July 15th 08 at 09:14AM
Thank you all for your comments guys!
Today I find it really challenging as I am once again experiencing that overwhelming desire to look things up online and to masturbate. But reading your comments help.
I went to church on Sunday and spent a long time talking to an older lady who went through a lot, and after listing some of the things I mess up with she said, "You do all these things to yourself because you don't love yourself." This may just be plain truth to anyone who is looking, and I have heard it in different ways before, but somehow it just clicked.
I am trying to live in the present, instead of worrying about "what if I mess up tomorrow" I am trying to concentrate on not messing up for the next 10 minutes, then another 10, then another 10, and so on. And I am going to see a Christian counsellor on Friday, scared and excited.
We are in this together and even though I don't personally know any of you and will possibly never meet any of you in person, it means a lot to see your words of encouragement.
Keep up the good work one day at a time,
Bo
Today I find it really challenging as I am once again experiencing that overwhelming desire to look things up online and to masturbate. But reading your comments help.
I went to church on Sunday and spent a long time talking to an older lady who went through a lot, and after listing some of the things I mess up with she said, "You do all these things to yourself because you don't love yourself." This may just be plain truth to anyone who is looking, and I have heard it in different ways before, but somehow it just clicked.
I am trying to live in the present, instead of worrying about "what if I mess up tomorrow" I am trying to concentrate on not messing up for the next 10 minutes, then another 10, then another 10, and so on. And I am going to see a Christian counsellor on Friday, scared and excited.
We are in this together and even though I don't personally know any of you and will possibly never meet any of you in person, it means a lot to see your words of encouragement.
Keep up the good work one day at a time,
Bo
Stess wrote on July 23rd 08 at 06:00PM
Bo,
You asked if there are any other women out there who struggle with this stuff and not because they had something happen to them, but simply because they found it.
Hi.
My story mirrors yours a great deal, I was about 9 when I started masturbating, I didn't even know that was what it was called until I was well into high school. I did grow up in the church in a very conservative family, but I had a younger brother who inadvertently exposed me to pornography, and in trying to help him, I felt curious and aroused by it, and now I am 25 and still struggling. So you aren't alone. I was led to this site by at least two other girls from college who are going through the exact same things, so WE are definitely not alone.
I hope you can find peace and comfort in your family and the support you are getting. Thanks for sharing.
You asked if there are any other women out there who struggle with this stuff and not because they had something happen to them, but simply because they found it.
Hi.
My story mirrors yours a great deal, I was about 9 when I started masturbating, I didn't even know that was what it was called until I was well into high school. I did grow up in the church in a very conservative family, but I had a younger brother who inadvertently exposed me to pornography, and in trying to help him, I felt curious and aroused by it, and now I am 25 and still struggling. So you aren't alone. I was led to this site by at least two other girls from college who are going through the exact same things, so WE are definitely not alone.
I hope you can find peace and comfort in your family and the support you are getting. Thanks for sharing.
Kristen wrote on July 24th 08 at 07:35AM
Thanks for your transparancy! I honor you in that regard :) As I was getting dressed for work this morning, I was trying to think of something encouraging to tell you, while I realized a song was playing in my head. I don't even know the name of it, but the chorus just kept going "I'll take you back-always-even when your hope is gone"-what an awesome promise! About 6 months ago I found the internet christian radio station www.air1.com and I have been sooo blessed by it! I even heard a caller from Ireland one time :) So, I don't know what style of music you like-but I'd encourage you to find one so you can be blessed by His promises throughout the day~not to mention enjoy outstanding music.
James wrote on July 24th 08 at 08:29AM
Despite being male, I read your story and was surprised at how cloesly it related to my own struggles. In a nut shell, I learned of masterbation at the early age of 10 and started on a 24 year journey into porn. It wasn't until a year ago where the real battle for my addiction and soul came head to head. After being caught by my wife for the umpteenth time, I finally got to a place of utter despair. I remember those same feelings you shared, that God can't help, that it's too powerful for God to destroy...is there really a God... WOW! I got to a point where I just wanted to die. That some how death was the only answer to over coming this sin issue. WHAT A GREAT PLOY OF THE DEVIL! Satan comes to seek and destroy and he almost did. That is what he is doing in your life right now... satan has you right where he wants you and you need to wake up to this reality. What helped me out of this issue was good Christian counceling, a very supportive and UNDERSTANDING wife, an accountability partner and of course, the XXX software. I still struggle from time to time (was free for 6 months), but I KNOW it's grip is quickly becoming loosened. Hang in there and keep running to the great healer. His arms are open, full of forgiveness and mercy. He knows your pain. Today you will shine!
Derick wrote on July 24th 08 at 10:32AM
I agree with the others and especially Kristen. I have found in my times of victories that one of the biggest keys is to not look at the sin that I am struggleing with, but rather saturate myself in the Word, prayer & meditating on God and the scriptures. As I feel like I'm "doing fine" & let myself wander as close to those old things as I think I can get away with, my eyes come off of Christ & WHAM!!!! over I fall. He is able to save to the uttermost!!! Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face & the thins of earth will become strangly dim in the light of His glory & grace
passionproject wrote on July 24th 08 at 01:08PM
Bo,
Just to add to what others said. Your situation is , I think, an issue that's related to psychology. About your childhood,about what happened to you in the past.
What has helped me understand myself more is the book 'road less traveled by M.Scot Peck' that could go hand in hand with the counselor you are meeting. His insights and examples from his patients (some who were sexually active but felt hollow and sough his help) about their struggles was really helpful for me.
And I'm sure there will be some things in the book you won;t agree on thats ok, butby and large its a book that helped me a LOT. God used it to talk to me too.
Just to add to what others said. Your situation is , I think, an issue that's related to psychology. About your childhood,about what happened to you in the past.
What has helped me understand myself more is the book 'road less traveled by M.Scot Peck' that could go hand in hand with the counselor you are meeting. His insights and examples from his patients (some who were sexually active but felt hollow and sough his help) about their struggles was really helpful for me.
And I'm sure there will be some things in the book you won;t agree on thats ok, butby and large its a book that helped me a LOT. God used it to talk to me too.
anonymous wrote on July 24th 08 at 02:57PM
Thank you for sharing your story.
I am not here to start an argument with anyone, but first of all let me tell you that I do not agree with what Andrew said. The power to stop is not within yourself. You can't just stop an addiction yourself. The Bible teaches that we are "slaves to sin" (Jn 8:34). It's no different with sexual sin. You become enslaved to it, to the point where it's constantly dragging you down. As much as you may hate it, you just can't stop. The only freedom you will have in this situation is through Christ. The only way you can overcome this is when you see that you can't overcome it. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But the only way to get over something like this is to give it over to God. When you do that, He will overcome it for you. He has overcome it for you already, through the cross of Jesus Christ.
This may sound crazy. I'm sure you've heard it a hundred times before. And it's easier said than done. I used to struggle with masturbation (for the record, I am a female). And it was horrible. It lasted for years... and I just couldn't stop. There was a time period of about a year where I kept thinking I had overcome it. I kept "giving it over to God", praying about it, really wanting to stop. But I kept doing it again and again, feeling worse each time. Eventually I stopped. I don't know how to describe the change, but God changed something in me. I finally truly gave it over to him for the first time. And I've found that the way to keep myself from doing it is to stop myself from even thinking sexual thoughts. If I begin to think them, I start praying to God to keep my mind clean. If you let the thoughts linger, your hands are going to linger too, and it will be too late to stop it. Purity isn't just your actions, but your thoughts as well. Just keep praying about it. The only power over sin is from God. The second you begin to trust in your own power is the second Satan starts winning.
Mark Driscoll sometimes talks deepest desire. No matter how much you want to sin, if you're a Christian, your deepest desire will be to please God and to stop sinning. If it's not, then you really need to consider whether or not you're truly a Christian.
I encourage you to pray pray pray about this. If you're struggling with just believing in God, pray that He'll show you that He's real. And I suggest reading Romans 8 and studying it. That should help a lot.
And I love what you said about the older lady saying you don't love yourself. Thank you for your honesty. I've struggled with that too. But you are so beautiful! God loves you for who you are and if you really understand that and live by that you'll be so amazed.
Please watch this video and really consider what she's saying. It's a couple minutes long but I promise it will be worth your time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUe6_Y6gjSU
I am not here to start an argument with anyone, but first of all let me tell you that I do not agree with what Andrew said. The power to stop is not within yourself. You can't just stop an addiction yourself. The Bible teaches that we are "slaves to sin" (Jn 8:34). It's no different with sexual sin. You become enslaved to it, to the point where it's constantly dragging you down. As much as you may hate it, you just can't stop. The only freedom you will have in this situation is through Christ. The only way you can overcome this is when you see that you can't overcome it. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But the only way to get over something like this is to give it over to God. When you do that, He will overcome it for you. He has overcome it for you already, through the cross of Jesus Christ.
This may sound crazy. I'm sure you've heard it a hundred times before. And it's easier said than done. I used to struggle with masturbation (for the record, I am a female). And it was horrible. It lasted for years... and I just couldn't stop. There was a time period of about a year where I kept thinking I had overcome it. I kept "giving it over to God", praying about it, really wanting to stop. But I kept doing it again and again, feeling worse each time. Eventually I stopped. I don't know how to describe the change, but God changed something in me. I finally truly gave it over to him for the first time. And I've found that the way to keep myself from doing it is to stop myself from even thinking sexual thoughts. If I begin to think them, I start praying to God to keep my mind clean. If you let the thoughts linger, your hands are going to linger too, and it will be too late to stop it. Purity isn't just your actions, but your thoughts as well. Just keep praying about it. The only power over sin is from God. The second you begin to trust in your own power is the second Satan starts winning.
Mark Driscoll sometimes talks deepest desire. No matter how much you want to sin, if you're a Christian, your deepest desire will be to please God and to stop sinning. If it's not, then you really need to consider whether or not you're truly a Christian.
I encourage you to pray pray pray about this. If you're struggling with just believing in God, pray that He'll show you that He's real. And I suggest reading Romans 8 and studying it. That should help a lot.
And I love what you said about the older lady saying you don't love yourself. Thank you for your honesty. I've struggled with that too. But you are so beautiful! God loves you for who you are and if you really understand that and live by that you'll be so amazed.
Please watch this video and really consider what she's saying. It's a couple minutes long but I promise it will be worth your time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUe6_Y6gjSU
Jason wrote on July 31st 08 at 09:26AM
Actually the power is within us...as baptized believers in Jesus. Bo has been baptized into Christ. The Holy Spirit now dwells within her. She has been justified (declared her penalty paid by Jesus) and regenerated (born of the Spirit) but now she must subject and submit her struggles to the holiness or sanctification process (Holy Spirit). It is part of God's presious promises explained in 1 Peter 1. We need to partake in the divine nature but we can because God has given us everything we need! This sanctification process is a journey that really has no physical arrival on earth. She can make strides to integrate her will into the fullness of the will of God. She can intentionally pursue righteousness and flee from evil. It is the difficult cause of Christ, but we are all to be encouraged that the power is within us; Christ in you, the hope of glory (Col. 2:27). Hallelujah!
Be encouraged, Bo! God is within you! Crucify your sinful nature daily remembering and acknowledging the blood of Christ!
Be encouraged, Bo! God is within you! Crucify your sinful nature daily remembering and acknowledging the blood of Christ!
Mee Too wrote on August 6th 08 at 10:34PM
Hello Bo, and thank you to the others who have posted encouragement as well.
My story also has no obvious reasons why I got drawn into this mess. But what I've found is that the more I gave in to masturbation, and self pleasure, the less I enjoyed my relationship with my husband.
It wasn't the physical sensations that made the difference. It was the selfishness. Every time I chose to be selfish, it added to the wall between us. It's taken a really long time to tear down the wall - and I'm not done yet. God, my husband and I are still getting through it.
I can only tell you of my perspective, and everything else that you needed to hear has been eloquently said. So I wanted to add the detail here for you too.
The more I give myself as a gift to my husband, and to God the more fulfilled I am. Some days I think he's being unreasonable (not the word I was thinking), but by giving of myself anyways - WOW that really works. Acts of service, thoughtful notes, loving caresses, in addition to sexuality. Every time I was tempted, I'd call out to God, and He would give me an opportunity to bless my husband, and those around me. Selfish behaviours affected my relationships with my children, my parents....everyone.
NOW
It got to the point recently when I thought to myself, "Wow, I haven't struggled with that in a year!" I pray that you too will be able to look back on your life, and see the great things our God has done for you.
I wouldn't have learned how to give selflessly without this struggle. I guess I needed an object lesson to learn it well.
God bless,
My story also has no obvious reasons why I got drawn into this mess. But what I've found is that the more I gave in to masturbation, and self pleasure, the less I enjoyed my relationship with my husband.
It wasn't the physical sensations that made the difference. It was the selfishness. Every time I chose to be selfish, it added to the wall between us. It's taken a really long time to tear down the wall - and I'm not done yet. God, my husband and I are still getting through it.
I can only tell you of my perspective, and everything else that you needed to hear has been eloquently said. So I wanted to add the detail here for you too.
The more I give myself as a gift to my husband, and to God the more fulfilled I am. Some days I think he's being unreasonable (not the word I was thinking), but by giving of myself anyways - WOW that really works. Acts of service, thoughtful notes, loving caresses, in addition to sexuality. Every time I was tempted, I'd call out to God, and He would give me an opportunity to bless my husband, and those around me. Selfish behaviours affected my relationships with my children, my parents....everyone.
NOW
It got to the point recently when I thought to myself, "Wow, I haven't struggled with that in a year!" I pray that you too will be able to look back on your life, and see the great things our God has done for you.
I wouldn't have learned how to give selflessly without this struggle. I guess I needed an object lesson to learn it well.
God bless,
Barbara L wrote on August 23rd 08 at 09:56PM
Dear Bo,
Whatever you do don't loose heart. I hope I can share some experience strenght and hope with you that will encourage you to hold on and not give up on yourself or God. I too am a woman who struggled with porn and masterbation. I was exposed to porn at an early age. All the men in my life had it around, my dad brother-in-law and uncle. Then at 15 when I got married my husband. In my twenties I started reading the stories in the magazines trying to find ways to keep my cheating husband at home and in that learned some really creative ways to please myself. The bondage became stronger and stronger over time, over 25 years. My journey to freedom began when I was in my late forties. I started in a 12 step program for drugs then God in His mercy led me to a small group at the church I was attending. It was there that He started peeling layers off me. Today I have over ten years clean from drugs and over six years of freedom from habitual masterbation. How I do that is daily surrender to God and I'm part of a small group in which I'm accoutable and I use a sponsor. The L.I.F.E. Guide for Women is an awsome tool. Check for a group in your area, if there isn't one talk to your Pastor or leader of your women's ministry about starting a group. That is what I did, there are so many woman out there that need a place to go and hear the words "ME TOO". Honey you are not alone and I promise you you can walk in freedom from this addiction. I commend for your honesty. I would love to help you any way I can, I'll start by praying for you.
Love a sister in Christ
Barbara
Whatever you do don't loose heart. I hope I can share some experience strenght and hope with you that will encourage you to hold on and not give up on yourself or God. I too am a woman who struggled with porn and masterbation. I was exposed to porn at an early age. All the men in my life had it around, my dad brother-in-law and uncle. Then at 15 when I got married my husband. In my twenties I started reading the stories in the magazines trying to find ways to keep my cheating husband at home and in that learned some really creative ways to please myself. The bondage became stronger and stronger over time, over 25 years. My journey to freedom began when I was in my late forties. I started in a 12 step program for drugs then God in His mercy led me to a small group at the church I was attending. It was there that He started peeling layers off me. Today I have over ten years clean from drugs and over six years of freedom from habitual masterbation. How I do that is daily surrender to God and I'm part of a small group in which I'm accoutable and I use a sponsor. The L.I.F.E. Guide for Women is an awsome tool. Check for a group in your area, if there isn't one talk to your Pastor or leader of your women's ministry about starting a group. That is what I did, there are so many woman out there that need a place to go and hear the words "ME TOO". Honey you are not alone and I promise you you can walk in freedom from this addiction. I commend for your honesty. I would love to help you any way I can, I'll start by praying for you.
Love a sister in Christ
Barbara
