From Abuse to Pornography

I was first affected by pornography at the age of 5, when I was sexually abused by my sister, which I belive to be a result of her addiction to porn/sex. She was ten years older than me and the incident has effected the rest of my life. Porn became sort of an addiction for me when I was in my very early teens if not younger. It wasnt something I did all the time but when i saw something by accident or a thought came into my head I couldn't help myself but look or go on the internet etc. It was like I couldn't stop myself, i couldnt say no, even though it wasnt a regular occourance.

I had grown up in a christian family and always longed for my husband and I would dream of one day having a sexual relationship with him, and thats what I would think about when I looked at porn. It then progressed to talking to men on the internet. I craved the attention, I craved feeling loved, and i craved being wanted. And when I saw that men wanted me even in just a sexual way that temporarily made me feel all those things. I would do anything to please them. I began meeting up with strangers at the age of 15. They were sometimes nearly double my age and I would lie and tell them I was 18. I would try and fulfill there fantasies in any way I could just so that they would want me more. Sometimes I would cry over a mans shoulder as he had sex with me, looking at my wedding finger and wishing I was in bed with my husband. After I would sit in the shower for hours and scrub myself raw because I felt so dirty. All the while continuing to occasionally look at porn.

God brings good out of everything. and one of these men turned into the husband he had chosen for me. We both struggled with the same problems ie porn and meeting people on the internet, but over came it together and commited our lives to God. I got pregnant and we knew it was now or never we had to follow God in every way. We got married and everything seemed fine. Until I found porn on our computer and realised my husbands struggle was back to haunt us again. A very young mum and wife at only 18 I didnt know how to cope. I felt so inadequate and my need for love etc returned. My husband had been emailing both men and women for sex and looking at porn on our computer. How could we overcome this? We were supposed to be a christian couple reaching out to my husbands unchurched family and our lost friends. Also being role models for our child. What a rubbish example we were.

But through confession and prayer my husbands addiction seems to have been healed. Through his love for me I dont feel the need to get satisfaction from anything else other than him and God. It's still a struggle from time to time when the devil waves temptation in your face, but choosing God and choosing life means we no longer have to live with secrets and fears. We can live in complete freedom, truth and love.