Internet Pornography

I am not sure where to start. Let me say that I was married for 11 years to what I thought was a wonderful man. I know better now. Anyway, after our divorce, I went through a slight depression. That is to be expected. Not only did I miss having someone there, I missed the physical aspect of the relationship. I was never one to sleep around and I never will be. However, I did masturbate a few times in the first few years of being by myself. I guess my pornography addiction started about 5 or 6 years after my divorce. Like many women I read all the romance novels but I never watched pornongraphy. Anyway, one day on the computer I decided to look at some things that I knew I shouldn't. I thought that was that. The next time I got on the internet I was looking again. Needless to say I find myself looking at pornography on a regular basis. Since I live alone it is easy for me because I don't have to worry about getting caught. I guess like most people addicted to this sort of thing, I find myself spending all of my time looking at this stuff and masturbating. Which is another problem for me now. It is to the point that as soon as I sit down to the computer I start doing it. I have heard of porn being a problem but it never hit home until it happened to me. While I am looking at it, it is almost a high I guess you could say. I feel alive. I know that might sound silly but that is the way I feel. However, after I am done I feel horrible. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, like I am the only one. Part of it has to do with the fact that I am 62. I feel like a dirty old lady. What if someone found out? How many other women are out there doing what I am doing that are my age? My work outside the house has never been affected by it but sometimes my house work falls by the way side. I can't explain how it has gotten to this point but I absolutely hate it. I wish I never looked at it in the first place.

Jon wrote on October 4th 08 at 12:57AM

yeah i do the same thing days or weeks later

Red wrote on October 4th 08 at 06:39AM

Hi. I haven't been married, and I'm about half your age, but the problem still exists. I had a huge problem with both aspects that you speak of. I'm not going to tell you that I've been completely delivered from it yet, but God is working. You see we do things like this because there is something missing from our lives, and when it goes unnoticed for long enough, we believe that we can take control of it. However that is not true, the control that we often do take, usually through masterbation, usually leads us into a deeper hole. My suggestion is that you try to give it all to God. It's a hard process, but ultimately He's the only one that's going to be able to satisfy that void in your heart. I haven't been 100% clean since I've started this process, but progress IS being made, and I know that with continued prayer and obedience, eventually it will become an area of victory.