loving myself

I "discovered" pornography and masturbation in 4th grade despite growing up in a Christian home. We had cable. I soon figured out that at 10 I could see movies with things that I wasn't allowed to see. Eventually, the rush caused me to experiment with my own body.

To be honest the experimentation happened earlier. I remember being in 1st grade and playing doctor with my friends. We would touch each other. We felt ashamed, but we did it anyways.

I knew it was wrong even before I knew the name.

My addiction has continued through then until now, when I'm in college.

Throughout high school others saw me as the "model of purity". I even spoke on it in youth group feeling the weight of my guilt. I still feel the shame.

I know its wrong. I know God loves me despite it.

Last year was the worst. I became more and more addicted to erotic stories. The stories let my imagination go wild. I became more and more self-obsessed. If I could satisfy myself sexually why would I ever need a man who could hurt me?

I guess that's why I'm scared to give it up. I'm scared to truly trust that God has a plan for me. That He will lead me into good things and that His way is better.

Danell wrote on August 30th 08 at 07:17AM

I will pray for you....the path of god is always full of true happiness and fulfillment..seek it with love

F.D wrote on September 2nd 08 at 06:52PM

You can overcome this, his way, and plan for your life, is one of abundance and fullness.. the fact that perhaps you do not feel full nor abundant this way (and personally, i sure dont either) shows there is another way He was purposed for you my dear.