Never thought I'd be doing this...
I grew up going to church. I knew the Bible and I knew the Lord. Unfortunately, at age 10 I was sexually abused by a family member who at the time led the youth group of my church. I decided then that I wanted no part of a God that would allow a person to abuse a child, and still be able to teach His word to other children. I denounced the Lord and did not attend church for 15 years.
During that time I got help for the abuse. I found a great therapist, who made me realize that there was nothing wrong with sex and sexuality. I started reading romance novels at her suggestion and found that people can have normal love lives. The problem is that those books never got into the details of the couples sex life. I felt like something was missing. In an effort to find out more I started reading erotic romances, and that's when all my troubles began. In a short period of time, I moved up from erotic romance, to plain erotica. Since I no longer believed in God, I felt no guilt. I believed that any sexual act performed between consenting adults was ok, so my reading included both straight and gay books. I also started buying sex toys and acting out scenes from my books, but it just was never enough. The more I read, the more perverse the act would have to be for me to be satisfied. So I moved on to videos, and internet porn but still felt incomplete.
I can't name what made me do it, but about 2 years ago I walked into a church. I've been going on and off since then, and now the things that I've done are starting to feel shameful. The problem is, I will go months without reading an erotic book, looking at internet porn, or even masturbating, but without fail I always go back! I'm trying to give my life to the Lord, but I'm still feeling unfulfilled. I've been single for about 6 years, and I have not been in a sexual relationship either. I've made a promise to myself that I will remain sexually pure until I get married, but I'm failing miserably. Sometimes I feel like life would be much easier if I stopped going to church. If I just returned to my old way of thinking, then masturbating, or watching porn would not leave me feeling so guilty and empty. But it's too late. I love the Lord again, but not even that love is enough to stop me. The more I try to stop, the more I fail! In order for me to get pleasure, I have to go darker places in my mind and online.
I've known about xxxchurch for awhile, but never thought that I'd be posting a confession here. What made me do this now is something I watched last night. It was a scene in an online porn video involving 2 men and a girl. One of the guys said, "I wish all girls were like this" and the other guy's response was "They all are it’s just a matter of them being honest about it. Deep down they're all whores". I had never once thought about the girls, but when the camera went to her face I absolutely loss it because she looked like my little sister! Thank God she wasn't, but she was somebody’s baby girl, or sister! In my obsession with the sexual acts, I had never once thought about the actors.
This behavior has not affected my job, my finances, or my relationship with my secular friends. Many of those friends have the same thoughts about sexuality. Because of the lack of repercussions, I've never considered it to be an addiction. But I'm honest enough to admit that it is a problem, and it's building a brick wall that's not allowing me to connect with the people in my church. So I'm going to start working with Pure Online. Actually I'm going to start by getting rid of all the books, DVDs, and toys that are still in my house.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to make this confession. I really need your prayers. Please pray that I will be able to find a person, and/or a group either in my church, or in my area that will allow me to work through this struggle, without judging me. I've found plenty of resources for men, but none for women, which makes me feel like the dirtiest girl in my city. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but I feel like the only woman dealing with this in AZ.
I am a youth group leader at my church in CA, where I along with my co-leaders run the 9th grade guys bible study (whom I'm actually planning a lesson on Lust for), and I too struggle with this horrible addiction. It's plagued me for much to long now and just recently I kicked this filthy habit to the curb.
What is left now for you in the war against lust is to defend yourself. Sadly this war will not end, but instead it shall continue for the rest of our lives. It can get easier however with the right course of action.
Accountability Partner - Fight someone close to you that you trust who can mentor you in this situation and hold you accountable to your pledge against lust. Talk with them, meet with them, grow stronger through your time together.
Armor - How do you protect yourself from Satan and his temptations lace with lust? Read the bible; It's simple, effective, and feels like a nice bowl of soup for the spirit. Subscribe to some good christian podcasts; There's so many out there and quite a few actually focus on lust!
I pray for you my sister in Christ, I pray that God may heal your wounds and that he may comfort you in your time of need.
God Bless,
Brandon
