purity
My dad has always had dirty magazines under the bed. Even as a very little girl, i always knew they were there. I knew that i wasn't supposed to touch them, or even acknowledge their existence which of course made me more curious than ever. I stole a quick glance whenever i got an opportunity.
The pictures were nothing hardcore, some beautiful women posing nude for the cameras. But it was the stories that got me. Sexual adventures filled with descriptive words taught me everything i could ever want to know about sex and more.
When i hit puberty, i was starting to realize which situations and stories sounded fun and interesting and which ones were still a bit too scary. And if you have an itch, you scratch it so this was about the time i began to masturbate as well. It wasn't something that consumed my life, just a small pass time. There would be months when i would forget about it entirely.
When i was 14 i went to a local youth group and met God face to face. I gave my life to the Lord and would talk to him in prayer daily. We never really spoke about sexual things or at least i failed to listen. I knew "True love waits" and all that jazz and i was still a virgin so what problem did I have?
I had a couple boyfriends and managed to stay pure for a while...but then of course there came along a certain boy. Not just any boy but THE boy that every teenage girl falls for. The one that is perfect in every single way and you couldn't live without. The kind of teenage romance that makes you understand the corny love songs on the radio and daydream about your future life together. I was as much in love as any 16 year old girl could have been. I would do anything for him, he was my best friend. He wanted to be a missionary and i knew that we would be married one day...So, when he told me that if we had sex we would be married in God's eyes just not LEGALLY, it sounded pretty logical to me (or at least i wanted it to at the time)....needless to say we ended our "marriage" after a few short months.
And once you start, its too hard to stop. Every crush became a boyfriend, every boyfriend became a lover, and every lover became a heartache. Every time i would promise God-"NEVER AGAIN! please make me clean!" but those promises were easily broken.
I hid my sins well though. I was a leader in my church, an intern, and popular too. People may have suspected but i was always given the benefit of the doubt. Even my mother (not a Christian) would proudly tell people of the commitment that her daughter had made to "wait." I was living a complete double standard.
I felt guilty though. I was so sorry and SCARED to pray about it. If i faced God, he might get mad at me. And i did NOT want to do that. I knew it was hurting me and finally i promised to stop.
I had turned 19 and decided to move out of my parents house. I had been "pure" for a while, still masturbating occasionally but no porn, no real boys. I had tons of friends who loved the fact that i had my own apartment. It gave everyone a place to hang out and soon there were 3-7 people sleeping over every night. Guys, girls, it didn't matter. We were adults (over 18) and all Christians. What could happen?
One night when i had only a few guests, i went up to my bedroom and fell asleep alone. In the middle of the night i woke up to some "surprises". I woke up once to find one of my guy friends sleeping on my floor...except he was being awfully noisy for sleep. I thought he was masturbating but unaware of how to handle the situation i just rolled over and went back to sleep.
The next time i awoke he was in my bed, his hands all over me. I had no idea how to react. He didn't seem aggressive, so i didn't want to make a big deal. If i made a fuss, it would really seem like he was molesting me just then and i did NOT want to deal with that. What if this became really awkward? What if he got upset? more than that, what if he just kept going? Remembering my past, and too afraid to cry out, I gave in and just went with it. After that night i let him stay every night, mostly out of fear and the desperate hope that if we were in some kind of a relationship, it would make the things that he did to me somehow okay. This lasted for a month or so, until he found a new girl to climb in bed with. (He's in prison now for molesting a minor)
Once again i was left hurt and alone but this time, i had this new hatred for myself. I was starting to realize how weak i really was and instead of turning to God, i turned to more men. I needed protection and to be loved. I knew what boys wanted and i gave it to them.
My life was falling apart. I wont go into details but everything hit the fan. Not just with my sex life but with everything. I fell harder than ever. When i vowed off boys to do some spiritual healing, my internet porn time when through the roof. It was a demon that i couldn't shake. One that i was still too afraid to face God about.
I gave up everything and went away to a Christian school to be a missionary. It was probably the best choice i ever made for myself. I cleaned my life up, got on the right track and pulled somethings into the light (not all of my sexual sin but most of it. I didnt tell anyone about the porn or masturbating but i admitted to not being a virgin and my issues with males). For 6 months i was walking in the light and following my call into the woman God made me to be.
I completely gave that time to God. I had no desire at all of meeting a guy or getting in any kind of relationship. So when one of my classmates told me he had really been praying about starting a relationship with me, i quickly declined. I asked him to pray about some boundaries and to please try and guard both his heart and mine. We were good friends and promised to continue to seek God on the matter.
But the more i sought God the more i liked this boy. And the better i got to know him the more i realized that he might just be the kind of man i had always wanted but never thought i deserved.
In one particular conversation, he was open about his past problems with lust and his battle with pornography...I began to tell him about my issues with men. (Stating this as the reason i could not be in a relationship with him) I told him that in all my time dating, i had never received flowers from a boy. (Something that, to me, symbolized the fact that no one had ever really cared) I mentioned a few particularly emotionally abusive relationships. With my head hung, i confessed to him more about my past than i had ever told anyone. I told him about all the boys i had ever had sex with. I was so ashamed and expected him to be condemning, or at least, stop liking me as he was a virgin. Instead, he was quick to look me in the eye and state that it didn't matter to him. He was not concerned with the past. Witnessing his forgiveness and grace was an experience i don't even know how to put into words. I knew God was using him to heal something inside of me that had been broken for a long time.
I had been hurt so badly by men and here was God using a man to bring me healing. God really does work in mysterious, and sometimes confusing, ways.
At the end of our school, my friend asked if he could take me out on an official date the night we graduated and i agreed.
As soon as the ceremony was over, he made me close my eyes as he led me out to his car. On the passenger side windshield was a single white rose. I started to thank him but he stopped me and said that he knew about my past. He explained that there was really no way that he could claim to be pure even in his virginity. But the white rose represented a fresh start for both of us, because by God's grace we are both white again.
I can't pretend that we have been perfect since then. Everyday is a struggle, especially when it is a problem we have both encountered. Even while we are walking this out with God, sex is an issue that comes up pretty often in a serious relationship. Sometimes one or both of us will screw up and we'll have to put everything out on the table and ask God to show us where we went wrong.
I want to thank XXXchurch for speaking truth into an industry and issue so shrouded in darkness. If i have learned anything, it is that the best way to bring about healing is to shine a light onto the problem. I believe God will continue using them and their ministry in more ways than anyone thought possible.
Purity is a tricky thing. I often find myself going back to that white rose to be reminded of the change God has made in my life. We are new creations in Christ and with him all things are possible. He never said it would be easy, only that the burden would be light.
God Bless You,
And thanks.
