Sex and confusion

I have sex with my fiance and most people know it. We've been intending to start since 1 year 4 months and 20 days ago-otherwise known as the day we first had sex. Which was also 4 days before we got engaged, which was also one month after we started dating, which was also 43 days before my 19th birthday, which is also 18 years after my parents realize I wasn't the boy they were hoping for, and 17 years after my parents divorced and 15 years after my mother left my sister and I with my grandparents, and 12 years after my grandmother who was the only mother I know found out she had cancer, and 11 years after my father decided he wanted to be our dad again, and 10 years after he decided he wanted to be someone elses dad to-boys who he played with more, and 9 and a half years after his "boys" aka my step-brothers talked me into having sex with them, and 8 years after my both my father and my sister left (on separate occasions) and 6 years after my grandmother died and also the very day of an exam that I missed because I was having sex(though I decided to miss it before hand anyways).

But no, we have sex, a lot. And the summer after we had sex I started looking at porn. I couldn't watch regular porn which I had before seen once or twice a year out of curiosity and well to "learn" something because I felt bad about it-so I watch hentai and it's usually some form of bondage hentai.

After we have sex, I tell him I'm sorry, and I cry normally, because I'm trying to stop-but I can't-or I can't let God help me stop.

I think about God before we have sex and I block him out.

Since we got engaged we lost all our friends and a church group we were involved in. We both "came to christ" the year before our engagement but really I've been off and on with Jesus since I was a kid-only I never commited so heartily as I did that year ... then I felt like I was doomed to hell because of sex.

I was bitter toward my friends because of sex, because before dustin I lost a lot of friends for various reasons. One group was because I was a christian. The other group was because I was mad at a guy for leading me on. And more because I was mad for being made to believe I had to be "conservative" to be a christian and I would turn my back on God if I was liberal, and mostly I was mad at myself for that one.

But sex happened, and a lot of it happened, and I knew there was more reason to why I was having sex, but it seemed like everyone who wanted to intervene wanted to intervene because we were having sex and they could not agree with it-yet I was left to wonder "are they going to help with the other stuff? do they care about the other stuff?"

I was open about having sex, and i thought I was going to lie about it, but I didn't I confessed it more and more, and it still happens and I want it to STOP!

I want to be back in a church and I want to have a community I can depend on and I want to be able to trust myself, that I can submit myself to God and not push him away when I need him, but it just doesn't feel there. I want Jesus so bad, I sometimes cry so hard because I can't talk to him and get his advice and ask him questions and in person for help.

My fiance is the first person who is really there for me ... more than anyone I can EVER remember and it made me so mad that people who would never treat me so kindly made me feel so low because I didn't want to give him up.

And I know now that I need to give him up to God and I'm mad at myself for being weak on that, but I don't really know if it would be the answer-and I don't know if it woudl be loving to just abandon someone who did so much for me because it was hard on me ... And I know that if I were to really submit myself to God it wouldnt' matter if I was with a boy or not because God can over come anything and sin doesn't intimidate Him ...

yet I still have sex

I'm so confused on everything

on who I am

on where I belong

on my family

and mostly on God because I feel like God is with that church that left me-and I feel like it's my fault they left even though I'm so angry that they left.

I feel so torn and clueless.

And we still have sex and though we have it less, we still have it and how do you come to God with that? How many times can you really mean your sorry?

I want to be sorry enough to stop.

Maybe I am sorry about sex, maybe it's the other stuff that I haven't a clue about that overwhelm me so much that I block them out by having sex ...

I just know that I want to scream sometimes because I feel like I can't explain enough for it to be the truth-the whole truth.

I want to have that desire for God that overpowers the desire for sex. I want to be able to focus in on God no matter how confusing things are. No matter how hurt I feel by anyone. I want to be able to trust God so much that it doesn't matter what I lose ... but I can't ... and I don't want to lose God because I can't ... but I fear I will

I'm scared of that verse that says you can't be saved twice, what if I can't go back?

Crystal wrote on September 21st 08 at 08:27PM

This is what is called a strong hold. I feel you so mucth, to a T

Crystal wrote on September 21st 08 at 08:33PM

my fiance and I went through the same thing. I remember blocking God out too when we would have sex. Ugh... I had a strong hold with that, and a strong hold with pride. You know what, God can deliver you. This is what I recommend... get on your knees, literally and pray out loud with your fiance. Read your Bible every morning and night, I don't care if you are running late you need to re-ignite EVERY morning. You are so loved, and you need to be reminded of that daily or you will betray God's love. Ask God to fill you up every single morning, leave no empty spaces. Of course you can't get saved twice, once you are saved that is it you can't get out of it you belong to Him and that is why this is tearing you apart... we all fall short!! and beloved, you WILL get through this, just remember that there is nothing you can do that will make God love you less, He is enthralled with you.