Something I'm still working on

So I guess I should start by saying that I am addicted to porn. It started years ago when I read this romance novel at my aunts house. I knew about sex because I had a friend that would tell me things about it, but I had only ever had the talk...this book was new. I couldn't get enough, and I would hide the book in weird places to make sure I could read it again later. I would go hide in a corner and read the book. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop. when I left my aunts house to come back home, I began to find other ways to read these books. I would hide them inside of other books because it's embarrassing to have someone catch you reading those books. This behavior continued for several years, and escalated. I would go to the library-ride my bike 4 miles-just to read these books. I was desperate, and so I found a site that let me read them online. This was good for a while, but eventually my imagination was not enough and I wanted to have images to accompany these novels, and I spent there hours filling my head with pornographic images. When I realized that it was like two in the morning, I panicked. I looked at all of the cookies I had placed on the computer, and all of the adds that would pop up, and I freaked. I wasn't sorry that I'd done it, only sorry that I'd get caught. So the next morning, I told my mom what I'd done. she wasn't angry, she only told me that I was fighting against hell, and all of it's forces, and to pray. I prayed that night, and for awhile, I was fine. Then I had to go to these sites again. I confessed nd was forgiven once again. Then I got to college, and my problem didn't exist for a full year. The worst it ever got was a movie with a scene in it, but after the scene was over, I didn't think about it. Then, the next year, I got my own room, and the trouble started. my sophomore year, it really didn't get that bad, but my Junior year? Man, that's when it started to get bad. I remember staying awake until 3 or 4 in the morning when I knew I had to be up by 8. I would be exhausted when I got to class, and would spend another night watching online porn. Because I went to a christian school, I ad to find ways around the network blocking sites, but find them I did. This continued for two years, and each time I would look at one of these sites, I would be scared that people would find out, and I felt dead inside. It was like my soul had been stolen right from me. I wanted no contact with people, I didn't want them to see me for who I really was, and I felt like a monster. I was nice on the outside, but inside, I felt like I was already dead. I also gave up on love. Why should I wish for someone to love me? they never would...I mean once they found out about my terrible little secret, I would find them running for the hills. This is how I felt, and still sometimes do, though I'm beginning to see that I do deserve love. I can see know that this is going to be a problem that I can conquer-it may take a while-but I'm willing to commit. I am also beginning to feel alive more often now. I can look at a sunset smile. I can be free!