Steadfast in His love...
I am a pastor's daughter, and have very loving parents and a close family. My family has never been very open about intimacy or sex. I had maybe two awkward talks as a child. Most of what I know I discovered myself. I am not sure if talking about sex openly would have changed the route that my life took, but it might have helped. I've had a close relationship with God my entire life, and was spirit filled at a young age. But Satan had a grip on my life that I am still battling.
Porn and fantasy affected me since about 15 years old, but it began in the form of romance novels. I would go to the library and grab a couple of romance novels in the midst of my other fictional reading. I was a voracious reader as a teenager. I knew it was wrong, but I loved the rush of the romance novel. They started out pretty innocent, but I then read a few more graphic novels that were fascinating, but made me sick inside at the same time. I even started looking for online romance novels, exposing myself to all sorts of graphic mental pictures.
I hid my romance novels from my parents and was smart enough to erase my history on the computer. Perhaps they knew about them, but if they did they never mentioned it to me. God convicted me about the novels and the direction my thoughts were taking, and I finally threw away my favorite books, even the mild christian romances, and committed my heart to purity. This was about when I was 17 years old. I would lapse every so often, but didn't go back to reading as consistently as before. Things went well until about 20 years old.
I went through a very lonely time from 20-22. At one point while I was housesitting I discovered masturbation. I am still struggling to overcome that area in my life. It only happens every few months, but God is showing me a better way: His love. I will have victory over that area. In that time (20-22) I acquired my own computer. I spent alot of time on the internet because I was in school as an Information Technology student. I would find pictures on the internet on and off. I found female porn more interesting than male, much to my shame. One day, I was living in my own apartment when I decided to look at some hard core porn videos. After an evening of it, I got so sick of it I decided to never look at it again. And by the grace of God I haven't. I can't erase those images in my mind, that is something my Father can only do. I pray for the day when I come to a place of purity where I can't even recall those things in my mind.
I am writing this confession to raise awareness of how romance novels can be just as dangerous as outright porn. I was much more easily seduced by a novel than I was by a graphic picture. The graphic porn sickened me, but the novels I could create my own mental pictures. It was much more exciting and stimulating. By the grace of God I have laid down the novels, knowing that they lead me down a path that is not godly or pure. It is very rare that I read them, and if I am caught up in one, I repent after I am done and move on. Usually this happens in a moment of weakness or loneliness. I think that the greatest damage worked by the romance novels is false expectations for relationships. Romance novels aren't reality, as much as we would like them to be.
I can say that I haven't looked at porn in 2 years, and I am claiming the same freedom from masturbation in the future. His love is enough for me!
