What have I gotten into?

Wow, I never thought that I would ever be writing about my porn addiction online for everyone to see. This is so hard for me but I feel that if I don't get this off my chest I may never get over this. I was first exposed to "sex" when I was about 4 or 5. My brother asked me to come into his room and lie on top of him. Of course I had no idea what was going on, but what happened felt good and from then on I tried to reproduce that feeling myself. I had no idea what I was doing was wrong, or even connected to sex in anyway for that matter.
As i grew older I had to go farther to get the same effect. I was so young but I had a very advanced perception of sex and would play out fantasies.
When I was about 12, I saw some pictures online. I had to look for more and more pictures to stay satisfied. Eventually, pictures were not enough anymore and videos were all that could satisfy me. I would pretend that the men would be pleasuring me instead of the girls in the videos. Pretending that someone loved me and cared for me.
I grew up in a Christian home but my parents never talked about sex, porn, or drugs ect. I think that Christian parents think that their kids would never smoke, drink, have sex outside of marriage, look at porn just because they are Christians. Parents still need to talk to their kids and have an open honest relationship with their kids. That is something my parents never did and still don't. Eventually I realized that what I was doing was soooo unpleasing to the Lord. Yet I still have not been able to break this addiction.
I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel that I have ruined myself for my future husband, even though I have never been with anyone (but myself). I am so ashamed of what i am doing and I need help from someone. I don't feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them my struggle, not even my parents. I want my life to be right with God. I know that without him this would bs impossible to over come but sometimes the way he helps us is through a friend, or a stranger with the same struggle.
I ask the Lord for forgiveness but what is the point if I don't repent. I know to ever get true forgiveness and peace i must first truly repent in my heart and that is where I need help.

Elizabeth wrote on August 4th 08 at 11:35PM

I know exactly how you feel. They always say the first step to to tell someone but I have always been the leader, how can I show such a weakness? I can't tell you to just suck it up and do it because I can't seem to do it myself. But I can say that I know what your going through. Absolutley no one knows of my addiction, and even though I have tried to stop, there are some times that I feel that if I don't masterbate I might explode. I always thought that if I could just resist that first time, then I'd be all better, but that never worked for me. I would always tell myself, I just won't do it... then I do. I even stopped asking for forgivness because I knew I didn't mean it, because I never stopped. Please know that my prayers are with you.

Mel wrote on August 5th 08 at 03:52PM

i havent had anything that bad happen to me, but i understand the addiction. you say to yourself, k this is the last time then i'm done. but then it just kind of happens again. i have only ever told one person of my addiction, i was too scared. i'm supposed to be a good girl. the one who stands up for what she believes in. i dont smoke, don't drink, dont swear, i'm totally against abortion, adultery, premarital sex, homosexuality, etc. i totally believe in the bible. i'm going to a bible college, i work at bible camps, i'm an "elder" in my youth group. yet i still fell. lots of good ppl fall, i know quite a few. when the feeling comes, distract yourself. go for a run, go to a movie, call up a friend, go out for supper, play an instrumet, read your bible. anything that will take your mind off of it. James 5:13-20.

Anna wrote on August 16th 08 at 11:33PM

WOW. I cant believe that someone would go through the same things that I went through, its amazing how God will bring two people together. My name is Anna. I am a pastors daughter, the girl that everyone looks up to. When i was about 4 my cousin did almost the same thing as your brother (there may have been a few differences). After that happened, i struggled with the very same things as you. I was ashamed, afraid, and I felt worthless. For me it was like there was no hope in shaking it off. I prayed countless times to be freed of this and I felt like God was ignoring me. I cried alone in my room everyday just waiting to feel a purity that i never felt before. Like I said my dad is a pastor and I was supposed to be an example for the other girls in church. This caused me to hide my sin and addition for way too long. I was really good at putting on the face, pretty much a pro. But one day, I HAD ENOUGH!!!!!! I broke down, i told my parents.. Yeah I know its hard to even think about especially cause we're girls. After I told them, they took my had and we prayed, we prayed like I have never experienced before and this overtaking joy came over me. But you know what, it wasn't telling my parents that set me free. I devoted myself to prayer every morning, I fasted for days in prayer. You know what it really was? I was desperate. I wanted something more. Thats where you need to get, you need to get desperate for Jesus. He is the only one who can make you feel pure again. You are the one thing that is MOST precious to Him. Jesus wants to wrap you in His arms and make you pure through HIS blood. And trust me once you taste freedom... there is no going back. Do whatever you have to do to get away from porn, submit yourself to God and He will carry you through. Read the bible like its going out of style (the book of psalms is great)! My heart goes out for you, I will pray for you every day. There is a book that really helped me. its called KISSED THE GIRLS AND MADE THEM CRY. I really recommend it.
With Love in Christ Jesus
Anna
P.S. e-mail me if you ever want to talk
anna.shirek@gmail.com