Why do I do the very thing I hate?

I have an addiction to masturbation, and I use porn to aid it I have struggled with this addiction for close to 10 years, now, and I just don't know how to stop. I know it is wrong, it is selfish, and I feel guilty and ashamed every time. I feel like I have no right to come before the Lord, even to confess. I have resolved and promised and vowed never to do it again. Usually I can stop for a few weeks, but inevitably I fall. I feel like I am getting close to the 70X7 number of times someone should be forgiven. I can't even forgive myself anymore. After visiting this site, i know I am not alone in my struggle, but as a woman, I feel alone, because this problem is not associated with women. I grew up in a good household, attend church, am active in many Christian organizations. But still, the first night I got home from a mission trip, i watched porn online and masturbated, knowing the whole time that what i was doing was sinful and hating myself for it.

God, why do I do the very things i hate?!?!

Erin wrote on October 14th 08 at 12:16PM

I have been in your place. A week before I went on a mission trip, is when I started viewing porn and started masturbating heavyling. I felt so dirty and alone cause I felt that this sort of thing only happens to men and not with women. Well, I saw that was not at all true.
But in the past, I have had hard times with not matrubation. It happened actually when I was about 13, right before I became a Christian. And on and off it has been a struggle for me.
I totally understand you, and just recently I felt the same urge to fall into temptation again. I think it took me three months to actually forgive myself. And I had to seriously take drastic action. I took a break from the internet. I read my Bible more. It just takes a long time to heal.
I truely do believe this addiction will become a thing of the past, and I know you can do it. If I can, I know you can.