Couples Viewing Porn

When my wife and I were approached to write a blog for the X3 site we were blown away.  Not by the fact that they asked but, how Christ has changed and blessed our relationship through the recovery of my addiction to pornography.  We are both very excited for this opportunity and look forward to seeing how he uses this opportunity to help others.

One thing we have both noticed as of lately is a lot of wives writing into more wife based magazines about pornography.  The questions range from “I was on our home computer and noticed a large amount of pornography on the history.  What do I do?”  “My husband just told me that he has been watching pornography at work.”  What should I say?”  “My man is spending more time at strip clubs now than he is with me. How should I handle this?”  The answer that has been given more so than not has been “You need to watch porn with him.  This will increase you sexual relationship with him and you will grow closer to one another.” 
   
When I came home the other day my wife brought to my attention yet another magazine telling women the same thing.

Talk to your spouse about pornography?

Q: My Husband looks at porn (I’ve seen it on his computer) But, he denies it when I ask him about it.  Any suggestions?

A: Your husband most likely feels embarrassed or ashamed.  I doubt his interest in porn is a reflection on you – maybe he does it because it’s different and exciting.  Why don’t you pick up an erotic movie and ask him to watch it with you?  Showing him that viewing porn together is OK, and a fun way to connect, may help him with his shyness.

While reading this I couldn’t help but, make comparisons to this.
 
1.)    “I was cleaning our home the other day and I happen to stumble across a bag with cocaine in my husbands dresser draw.  What should I do about this?”  “You should let     him know you found it and start doing coke together.  This will bring you two closer     together in your relationship.”

2.)    “My husband came home and told me he has been gambling at work and has lost     a lot of our money.  How do I handle this?”  ”You should tell him that you would like to play online poker with him at home.  By doing this you will be able to spend more time     together and grow even closer.”

3.)    “My husband tells me he is drinking a lot more at the local bar.  What should I do?”  “Well if you want to help him you should start going to the bars with him and drink     together.  This will bring you two together closer”   
   
I know not everyone agrees with these comparisons how ever my wife and I view these addictions or paths to addiction as the same.  You would never encourage your spouse to increase the activities listed above nor would you place yourself into these situations.   

Do not think that viewing porn together will stop his viewing of porn alone.  More than likely his consumption of porn alone will increase because he now thinks that it’s ok with you and that there is nothing to worry about.  This will only speed up his journey down “Porn Boulevard.”

Watching porn together will most likely not bring you two together closer in your sexual relationship.  After watching the porn and going to the bedroom for your sexual experience he is not thinking of you but, more so the porn star you just watched.  This will just pull you farther and farther away from each other in your sexual relationship; the relationship that God intended to be an awesome gift for you two to enjoy as a married couple.  Sex is good; enjoy it with each other not with each other and the porn star.

matt wrote on June 4th 08 at 04:36PM

This is great. I am glad you guys are writing this for couples.

Michelle wrote on June 4th 08 at 08:07PM

I think the two blogs in this section compliment each other quite well!

Glad to have you on board!

Johnny wrote on June 6th 08 at 10:28AM

Here is my version:

You should watch porn together so overtime the only way the two of you can have an orgasm is through a porn flick. You should watch porn together so that your husband will lose the abillity to get an erection unless he is looking at porn. You should watch porn together so that your children find your porn stash and start their own addiction. This will totally jack with their sexuality, cause them anxiety and shame, but what the hey. When they will grow up they will hate you for the addiction you passed on to them anyway.

Suricou Raven wrote on June 9th 08 at 04:48AM

While your point my be good, your abuse of analogy destroys any credability. Comparing porn to cocaine only makes you look like a sex-hating fanatic, and so causes people to ignore you.

Brian wrote on June 9th 08 at 07:15AM

Raven,
I was wondering how long it would before you would reply to this blog.
Quote Raven: "makes you look like a sex-hating fanatic"
Quote Brian "Sex is good; enjoy it with each other"
I really do not think this sounds like I hate sex. Matter of fact I am way on the other end of that spectrum. Sex is great and should be enjoyed together as a married couple. Yes, a lot of churches have given sex a black eye in the past and many still do. Like I said in my blog sex is good.

Trevor wrote on June 10th 08 at 08:35AM

Abuse of analogy? No actually that was a very good use of analogy. Comparing porn to cocaine makes him look like a PORN-hating fanatic...I think he would gladly accept this comparison.

Porn is an addiction much like the things he compared them to so this is a perfect use of analogy.

Greg wrote on June 10th 08 at 04:20PM

This is a great blog. Keep up the great work. I always wanted my wife to get into it with me. I even started showing her the magazines that I read. Thank God she never took a serious interest in it. I also totally buy into all of the other analogies: drugs, alcohol... It is VERY applicable and it does not apply any hatred towards sex. I pray that you can continue this blog. There are VERY few resources that help women with this issue. Keep up the good work and God bless you!

Brian and Darcy wrote on June 11th 08 at 10:43AM

Thanks everyone for your comments and encouragement about this blog. Darcy and myself are very excited as well about this blog and will continue to write blogs for this section. Also to tag onto what Steve and Ann said in their comments with people sharing their stories and a minstry such as this we will all be able to shine light into some of the darkest places.

Michael wrote on June 11th 08 at 09:16PM

Great post, guys. The analogies are obvious to anyone who has ever dealt with addiction. Addictions, to porn, drugs, food, shopping, whatever, are merely symptoms of much bigger problems involving acceptance of one's self and understanding one's value in God. I experimented with drugs but grew out of it, still enjoy a social drink now and then, but got addicted to porn. I have a friend who couldn't care less about porn, but cannot take a drink or even use mouthwash because of his alcohol addiction. The analogy is completely fair. Deep down, my friend and I have the same problem - we are trying to run away from something within us, trying to fill the void in our hearts with something false and external - when God's love is meant to fill that void. God bless you for being open and honest about this very real problem. - 39 years old, married 1 year, lied to my wife for the past year, but have confessed. I would appreciate your prayers.

Ed wrote on June 13th 08 at 04:20AM

Hey guys, great blog! i really liked the part where you made comparisons with cocaine and gambling. At first i didn't know where you were going with it and it seemed inappropriate to the topic, but after explaining yourself i found it powerful and so so true, porn is an addiction just like gambling, drugs and drinking.
Be looking forward to hearing more from you guys.
Much Love.
Ed

Zee wrote on June 16th 08 at 07:08AM

Porn is useless and pointless. period.
Sex is a sacred, private activity to be enjoyed between a married couple.

Thanks for sharing your blog Brian and Darcy. You have good points too.

Chris wrote on June 18th 08 at 01:39PM

There is so much truth in what you wrote. Johnny's version really shows what happens when people go down the road of porn in marraige. I was rescued from a porn addiction after just a few years. I have a friend who lived a secret life for 30 years (his wife knew about it and was too ashamed to talk about it) and now it is out in the open and he does not know how to sexually relate to his wife anymore, he can only get going on porn and its all fake. They have been living separate lives and living in separate rooms for the last 10 years.

Jenn wrote on June 22nd 08 at 01:18AM

I am glad that I came over to the couples section of this site. My husband and I are a younger married couple in our mid 20's and recently he confessed about his porn addiction that has been on his shoulders since before we even met. I want to say that because of magazines with answers like that to womens questions concerning porn if we are not strong enough with our faith in God those answers we might believe to be true. It crossed my mind to start watching with my husband. I am ashamed to say that we even discussed the possibility of exploring different thoughts he had and bringing them to our lives, but after letting these ideas settle and thinking about the consequesces and possible outcomes of our actions and going to God in prayer I finally got the guts to just tell him NO. I went to God in prayer and asked for forgiveness and also forgave my husband and everynight I pray for both of our sakes and because of this site I also pray for the many other couples facing the same problems. Because of this site I was able to strengthen my bond with God and also show my husband that he is not alone with these issues. Honestly when it first came about I felt like my husband didn't feel like it was a sin what he was doing. Because of multiple scriptures I quoted him from the bible and lots of prayer he is finally realizing for himself how this affects everyone including himself. He has told me that he finally understands what he is doing is wrong and did come to this site once, but I feel like he still does not truly believe it is sinful enough to give up. Much prayer is needed for him still and also much advice on how I can get him to come to this site and actually take the time to read. I know it would be very beneficial to him, but all I can do still is pray about it and have this site open when he turns on his monitor or even go to this site myself while he is next to me. It's a slow and steady race, but I know that in the end God always wins!! =)

Thank you and God bless,
Jenn

kurt wrote on July 11th 08 at 07:36PM

Hello all Me and my wife of 20 years did take it to the next step viewing together and fantisizing. to make a long story short 5 years of insecuritys and almost seperateing. With 4 kids that would be Bad.

Dont be mistaken Porn is usefull, By the father of lies. Dont listen to him, Get help. Pray Hard