Porn and Your Family "Marriage"

 “These two will form a UNION in marriage ….

Union: An act uniting two or more things into one <union of a man and woman in marriage>

 “We are here today to JOIN this woman and man”……

Join: To become joined <place where two roads join>

“Today we will UNITE this man and woman in holy matrimony”…..

Unite: To put or come together to form a single unit

I have been to several weddings and have heard it said in many ways how a man and woman start out as two people and become ONE.  Many have forgotten that once married you became of one flesh with your wife and I was one of them.  My past sins with pornography have pried at the seam of our union and made tears in it but, these tears are being repaired over time.

The Cure for Porn is Marriage?                                                 

Over the last year or so I have heard so many guys tell me that they thought when they got married that their infatuation with porn would disappear for ever.  Man I even had the same thoughts at one point in our engagement.  Getting married may prolong your sobriety to porn but, it will not remove it.  A newlywed’s sexual relationship with each other can be crazy but, thing can turn quickly.

How about when you have a fight with your wife over how the towels should be folded, not doing the laundry or shrinking the laundry for that matter.  (I’ve done these. Sorry Darcy) For some their reaction is to freeze the other one out and that can lead to no sex.  Your past habits then creep into play and since you aren’t having sex with your wife, you turn back to porn the one thing you thought left when you got married.  One thing leads to the next and your turn to self-gratification.

For many the sexual drive becomes less when they have children.  Your relationship takes a turn towards a new kind of love and is not so dependent on the sexual encounters any more.  Once again you may have been good so far but, you’re not getting what you think you need.  Just one flip of the switch and your back on the road down Porn Boulevard and self-gratification.  Isn’t crazy how many of us turn to the selfish act of masturbation when we don’t get what we want instead of waiting.  Marriage will not replace your struggles with pornography it will only be a bandage until it comes undone.

Getting married to Brian was the best thing that had happened in my life.  Brian and I were getting along so well in our new journey in life as husband and wife.  All the while Brian’s thirst for porn was taking him down and affecting our marriage at all angles.  When we first got married we spent almost every waking minute with each other what ever we were doing.  We decided to start a family and I am sure most women would agree that when you are pregnant you do not feel sexy.  Porn started to consume him more and more as I was too tired and just not interested.

Brian would watch porn through out the day come home and want to have sex with me and he wouldn’t stop until I gave in or we’d get in a fight.  After a while I started feeling like a failure as a wife for shutting him out.  I started avoiding him at night and slipping into my pajamas before he would come to bed so he wouldn’t touch me.  Most of the time though I would go to bed before him and pretend that I was sleeping, or wait till he would go to bed and fall asleep.  I felt like I was trapped by this man who did not act like my husband anymore and was afraid of him.  After he had come forward and told me of his addiction things slowly got better. I did not have to pretend to be asleep, or worry about getting undressed with him in the room. I am now getting back the man that I had married 11 years ago.  Marriage is for a man and a woman, not a man, wife, his porn stars, and whatever else you’ll take into your marriage.  Please, if you are dealing with this and you’re on your way to getting married deal with it now and rid yourself of it before it destroys a part of your marriage or worse.

Hours and hours of viewing porn will over stimulate your mind and eventually guys you’ll lose that feeling of passion with your wife.  For me, as my wife explained was more uncommon than most.  We see comments from wives like “Why doesn’t he want me any more”?  “I am not attractive any more”?  “Doesn’t he love me any more”?  Now I know that these comments are not true but, our actions or lack there of have provided a crossed message.  God has given us sex as an amazing gift to share with our wives and porn can rob you of that gift.  You’re sitting at work or home and you start looking for porn and by the time your done you have just exhausted yourself sexually leaving your wife out of the picture.  Now if you’re a Christian and live by the word you’ll know that you are committing adultery by having and affair with these porn stars in your heart.

Guys, in regards to the wedding phrases above!  We stood there and said these words making a commitment to love this woman with all of our heart and come together as ONE.  Don’t let the fantasies of porn come between you and your wife.  At one time I was married not to my wife but, to porn. A marriage that nearly ruined my real marriage the way God intended it to be.

Ladies, you as well stood their along side your man and made this same commitment to God and everyone there.  If your husband is going through this he needs you to stand by him here as well and fulfill the commitment you made that day “for better or worse”.  This may be difficult for both of you but, it is something that can be beat and your marriage can be restored.

If you’re struggling or know someone who is, please visit our resource pages for information to get help.  Make the first step admit it and confess it.

Andy wrote on July 11th 08 at 12:55AM

This article is great. As a young man thinking of pursuing a woman in marriage, I can really relate to the things you have said here. The discipline required to eliminate a pornographic habit is strong for sure, but turning your desires to a greater satisfaction in Jesus will definitely assist us. I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 13 when Paul talks about becoming a man, and "putting away childish things" and I feel as though we can apply that idea directly to our lives here. Pastor Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church, Seattle always says that "Marriage is for men, not boys." In a sense, marriage is for men who have put away childish things. Marriage should not be a band-aid for sexual sin. If you approach it that way, your marital sex is nothing more than masturbation manifested in a new way. Selfish and unfulfilling.

Thanks you so much for your words all the time. God bless you both.

Brian & Darcy wrote on July 11th 08 at 07:19AM

Andy.....
Thank you for your comment on this blog. I am so excited that this blog was able to shine some light into this area for you. I love the quote that Mark Driscoll uses. Again Thank-You and have a blessed day. Brian & Darcy

MT wrote on July 11th 08 at 12:29PM

Wow! What a well written blog. ;)

Jon wrote on July 12th 08 at 09:48PM

Hi Brian and Darcy,

Just wanted to thank you for your story and the encouragement. I told my wife, Christina, 3 months ago about my addiction to pornography, and it hurt her badly. I have been delivered through the settingcaptivesfree.com purity course. I am thankful to God that he has been able to help me but my wife has told me that she wants a divorce. I have tried everything I can to keep our relationship but nothing seems to work, Please, as a couple that struggled with this, keep me in your prayers. Thank you. Jon

Michelle wrote on July 14th 08 at 09:01AM

@Jon,

Would Christina be willing to visit Partners For Purity? ( www.partnersforpurity.com ) I would love the opportunity to speak with her directly and am open to her contacting me directly here at X3Church, or at P4P. I am sure that Darcy would be willing to reach out to Christina as well if Christina is open.

Mel wrote on July 22nd 08 at 08:46PM

Thank you for this arcticle!!! While I am very grateful that my husband was open w/ me even while we were dating- about his struggle with porn, it continues to take a toll on our marriage. He seems so lost in those fantasies, that I don't even know who he is. It really hard when he looks at me- feeling that he's imagining those porn stars. Already after 2yrs of marriage, our intimacy is scarce @ best & I can't even think about bringing children into this relationship. I'm here to find a solution and way out w/o making my husband think I disrespect him. Please keep us in your prayers!

J's Wife? wrote on July 23rd 08 at 10:41AM

I heard about this site from St. Anne's Pub Newsletter/CD and am so glad I came. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, and it was within our first year of marriage that he admitted to me that he still had a problem with porn (he had told me before we were married, and I thought marriage would fix it). I was horrified. He has done a good job of wanting to change and taking it from a daily habit to just a rarity - but it is still there. I found questionable MySpace (can I say I hate that place!!) videos that he watched just last night. Then this morning he wanted to be intimate. I just couldn't do it! Am I wrong to expect this to entirely disappear? Or should I just settle for being grateful that it isn't as common and is much less hardcore than it used to be (bikinis vs nudity)? I feel like I have done all I can to still give him sex whenever he wants it and be open to him and not shut down when he admits he has been "bad", but I am still so hurt every time. I guess I felt last night was a straw because we had just listened to that St. Anne's CD together over the weekend, and he told me how he knows that his biggest motivation to not look at porn should be that it makes him think less of me (not measuring up to airbrush). Anyway, my real question was to get some feedback on what is "appropriate" in the bedroom. Like I said, I have always been quite receptive to my husband and his desires, but sometimes the things he wants me to do make me uncomfortable. He likes to "role-play" and the scenes are usually unBiblical. It is usually some form of illicit sex we are "playing" (porn star, prostitute, high school cheerleader w/coach). He also seems to take pleasure in getting a little rough with me, nothing violent or abusive, just... a little rough. It isn't that he does it, it's that he enjoys it. Are all of these things ok?
I feel a little insecure because I have struggled with sexual issues myself since I was a little girl. I was masturbating as long as I can remember and still even occasionally struggle with it today. I had a period of my life when I also looked at porn, but found it distasteful and stopped. Sometimes I think I am too prudish now, but I don't know what "normal" is supposed to be!
Finally, thank you so much for this site and the opportunity to be open in a safe, Christian setting. I think this is definitely filling a great void in the church community.
Blessings (and sorry for the length!)

Brian and Darcy wrote on July 23rd 08 at 12:31PM

J's Wife,
"Am I wrong to expect this to entirely disappear? Or should I just settle for being grateful that it isn't as common and is much less hardcore than it used to be"
Yes and No. As it says in the spouses blog failures are a part of the process and can be expected. How ever you can have hope that this sin can be removed from your lives for good but, not with out some work and effort on both of your parts.
First let me commend you on staying in there and fighting for your marriage. So many do not do this and turn their backs as soon as this appears. You are a string wife and friend to your husband.
I don't know if you and your husband talk in depth about this struggle but, you need to tell him your feelings about the porn and let him know how it makes you feel. After this he needs to get accountability with someone he knows and trust like a pastor, friend, or family member. Also get a filter and X3 Watch for your computer.
As far as the sexual encounters that your husband wants. If you are uncomfortable about it and do not want to do these then don't. Let him know that you would rather not do this and tell him why. Maybe if he hears the reasons he would understand better why you don't want to do these things. "Are all of these things ok?" If role playing helps and you are ok with it I would say go for it but, this role playing must involve you and your husband ONLY! If he is imagining someone else during this it is not good. Please understand these are my views and not necessarily the views of everyone at XXXChurch. God gave you this gift as a married couple and if this makes it better for you with out sin then enjoy it.
"Sometimes I think I am too prudish now, but I don't know what "normal" is supposed to be! " You are normal and this is completely understandable. Do not feel ashamed for your feelings in dealing with this. I would like to recommend that you take a look at the spouses section on the site and you can find some great resources there. I would like to point you in the direction of a group called Partners for Purity at » www.partnersforpurity.com This is a great group for wives who are going through or been through what you are right now. Please know that God has not given up on either you or your husband and he wants to help both of you.
Brian and Darcy

jon wrote on August 11th 08 at 10:04PM

Yes this is great stuff. I can truly relate with the struggle of the husband. That's exactly what i'm struggling with now. I am addicted to porn. I want some help. Can you give practical ways how to overcome the addiction before my marriage starts to be affected? Thanks.

imadrummer wrote on October 14th 08 at 12:25PM

Jon,
Check out the Resources section of this site. I've been going to a "Freedom Group", basically a Sexaholics Anonymous group for a little over a month. There, we have a time where we "check in", telling how we've been doing with our sobriety (no porn or masturbation). There is NO condemnation, shaming or guilt in this group...just a group of men who all struggle with an addiction to porn...and are doing something about it. There are materials and strategies to help you avoid porn and masturbation altogether. Realize, however, that this is going to be a fight for sexual health for the rest of your life. It's that serious...and that important.

Blessings to you.