Porn & Your Family "Children"
The next few blogs that Darcy & I would like to put out will touch on how porn can & will affect your family. The topics that we will look at are; children, spouse, and yourself. For the most part pornography is viewed privately about 95% of the time. People ask often “how can my viewing of porn affect others around me. I watch it alone; it’s just me and the porn this can not possibly affect others.” However your actions and habits affect everyone around and your relationship with them. We hope that with each section we can bring some light to each area and how it affects you and others in your life.
A Childs Observation
Have you ever noticed your kid(s) doing something that was wrong and you tell them “don’t do that?” Then they reply “but, you did it.” Now if you’re a parent I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard that same thing come out of your kid(s) mouth. Below is a piece of a blog I recently stumbled across.
Children notice and take note of everything we do. They look up to their parents because we are their role models and the person they look to for answers. They absorb everything they see us do in order to form opinions, actions and thoughts.
Guys, when you’re with your buddies and you’re talking openly about girls; your son will use this as an example how to treat girls he meets throughout his life. Ladies, the shows that you watch where women sleeps with or hooks up with various partners; your daughter will use this when she gets into relationships with guys and think that this is the norm. What we do as parents will be observed by our children and they see everything. Even though we think they are not looking, they are and they notice everything their role model does.
Marriage by Example
Brian and I were not happy at all in our marriage and we had grown further apart. He was angry all of the time and just not the man that I had married. This was not something that was hidden from people any more and our children saw it first hand almost on a daily schedule. Frustrations and hurt feelings were driving us apart. I thought that the stress of work and not ever having enough money was really getting to Brian.
Kids are like students in a class room and we are the teachers who provide information on how to be adults & couples. The display that Brian and I were providing for our children was sending mixed messages. One moment things were good and then, we were fighting again. Whether it was because he was never home or because of our bills which were in part do to porn pay sites. When Brian and I would fight it would trickle down to the kids through my attitude. One of the kids would do something just a little bit annoying and already being upset I would snap back at the kids.
“Your Dirty Little Secret”
The average age that a child sees porn for the first time is now at the age of 11 and is getting younger. The scary thing is that in order for it to be an average there had to be a balance of kids viewing porn at a younger age as well.
I read so many confessions that start out with how that person’s addiction got started. The number one way that people are introduced to pornography is by looking at their parents porn stash that they find. As parents Darcy and I often talk about what traits, habits, and morals we will pass on to our children. Things like faith, manners, kindness, hard working, and loving are words that we often use during these conversations. Your love for porn is not one that I think anyone wants to pass down. How ever this is exactly what can happen when we do not remove it from our lives.
Not only do you have the email to worry about but, your history is a major link between kids and their parent’s porn habits. You may only be a casual user or you may be addicted to it. It does not matter it still has a way of working its way into our children’s lives. How would you feel if your child posted a confession here that they were addicted to porn and their confession starts out; “It all started when I found my parents porn.”?
My children are younger and to explain to them what their dad was doing wouldn’t be right; yet. My son knows that for some time his dad was absent from his life on a regular basis. I was also a ticking time bomb ready to blow up at the drop of a hat making him scared of how I’d react next. I was always on edge afraid of getting caught by someone. Now, I did not tell him that porn was the reason I acted out the way that I did. I did how ever sit down with him apologize asking for his forgiveness for the way I acted toward him and his sister. I missed out on a lot of things in their lives and I will never be able to get that time back but, I can make sure that it never happens again. You are never alone in your actions what you do affects everything and everyone around you; even your children.
Family Time
The main thing that I have seen in our family time is that it has become enjoyable. There are no weird feelings or anxieties in the air. Brian and I are able to show love toward one another now and have it be true feelings. With things settled down the time together is more pleasant, less yelling and screaming at one another. We are able to enjoy all of what God has given to us, knowing what life was like before Brian’s recovery started, I am thankful for every new day with our family.
My mother became very ill when I was young and lived the last 17 years of her life in a rest home unable to walk or even care for herself.
I can remember when my father started seeing other women while they were still married (he eventually divorced her). I remember my dad's brother telling me this was OK because my mother could no longer "be a Wife" to my dad.
I idolized my uncle and my father when I was young and I wanted to be my dad's "friend" so I openly accepted his actions, but inside was torn apart; I was 16 years old.
As I grew up I knew that "being a wife" meant affection and sex. When our lives got into the grind of raising kids and working, my wife was no longer meeting my needs which meant she did not love me which meant I needed someone new...just like my dad.
I still remember when I told my dad about my affair, I was thinking he would be fine with it...but he shut me out of his life and I became very angry with him.
He died a few years ago and even though my marriage was saved my relationship with my father never really was. What I realize now is that my father could not handle the shame of what he knew I had learned from him, he knew what I was doing was a mistake and he lacked the ability to tell me so...he never showed much emotion, I do not think he knew how.
Yes kids do learn from their parents. I do not blame my father for my actions, they were my choices and I own that.
If you have children, they will grow up, they will get married and they will have problems in their marriage, there is no such thing as the perfect marriage.
How our kids handle those problems will be to look to their greatest example in life...their parents.
"Well, when mom and dad had problems they ______________."
We are all filling in that blank and your kids will know exactly what to put in that blank by the example you set for them.
We filled in the blank in our marriage, we fought for our marriage and we are teaching our kids that in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health are not just words, they are a commitment. Our kids know marriage is tough and you have to work at it. They also know that all things are possible with God.
Thanks for your post.
Nakedness and consensual loving = evil
War and stealing a countries oil = good.
Me thinks that many Christians (but thankfully not all) have their priorities slightly skewed.
Humbly I beg that you stop focussing obsessively on what people consensually do with their genitals - you body fascists - and instead have the courage in Jesus' name to stand up to the liars and false prophets who have started unnecessary wars and foisted evil upon this planet - and which the Christian right of the USA in recent years has been very visually active in endorsing supporting promoting and condoning.
It is not for me to say how God will judge between:-
a) the consensual love maker who takes pleasure from the genitals that God gave them (and which were designed for function AND pleasure); or
b) the murdering lying politicians and their illiberal supporters and coward followers.
Speak the truth and please stop worrying about what I - or others like me - do with our genitals, or what images I choose to put in my brain and see with my eyes. I can swear to God that I did not choose to put the images you make me see (on every newspaper and on each TV) of dying and destroyed humans resulting from your misguided 'Christian Wars'. The images of bomb wrecked individuals and murder and war victims (which you daily fill my newspapers with) is the real pornography here; not the image of genitals - which are beautiful and created in God’s image.
There are really more important things you should, in Jesus name, concern yourself with.
Get real.
First, Thank-You for taking the time to comment on our blog. This gives me the chance to touch on a few points that I have noticed well before my connection with X3 Church. Also I would like to reply to some of your observations with out post.
One of the things that I applaud X3 for is the fact that they openly admit that God has provided everyone with a free will. This free will allows you to make decisions for yourself but, hopefully a decision that leads you to Christ. I also hear Craig agree with people about the fact everyone should have the right to freedom of speech. These are also things that Darcy and I agree on as well. That is why when people tell me that I shouldn’t reply to a post like this I simply tell them that it is that person opinion and that they deserve the same respect that I’d give to others.
You made this comment at the opening of your comment:
Porn = bad
Nakedness and consensual loving = evil
War and stealing a countries oil = good
Yes Darcy and both view porn as a “bad” thing because of all the things that porn surrounds it’s self with. Now your comment about nakedness & consensual loving is “evil” is way off. The human body the way God intended is a beautiful thing as well as an amazing design. God did give us genitals for us to use for many reasons and yes one of them is for pleasure. That pleasure was meant for you to enjoy with your spouse as a gift from him.
As far as what each person’s opinion is on political issues you really should ask them what it is before you assume what they think. Your comment seems to be filled with a lot of venom toward the media that aggressively shows images of war and images of violence. You also lash out at us for addressing the issue of porn and the affects that it can have on people. As you have a strong opinion about political issues we have strong opinions about pornography. Your comment that we should focus on other things well, maybe you should take a look in the mirror. We do care about so many other things and place our efforts there as well. I do hope that you are doing the same rather than just focusing on political issues of war. Again thank you for your comments to this post as everyone’s opinions are valuable.
“Getting Real” Brian
Great blog.
As for the poster above. Clearly he may be confused but if clarity is needed on why we focus on this issue as he calls "focusing on genitals" perhaps he needs to take a look at the statistics?
Perhaps I should welcome him into my world- where God has brought close to 600 women who are devastated and broken because their marriages (husbands) are no longer functional as a result of the husbands preoccupation with his genitals. ;)
Lives are being destroyed just as severely in this area as he openly stated about the other obvious areas in life of devastation.
God calls different people to different areas of ministry- perhaps his is to educate or cause others to think about war or governement issues whereas God has called us to minister and educate in this area. I would never think to criticize him for his work- yet those with little vision for themselves tend to poke and criticize the vision of others.
Bless you Brian and Darcy (and Steve and Ann) for accepting the ministry God has appointed you. Many lives are being impacted by your investment of love and sharing your testimony and the gospel.
People need to understand that this is simply about porn and its affects on us.
God has a wonderfull design for this insitution just as simple as the taste buds job to our mouth. When we abuse it, it hurts us. This one is just easyer to confuse ourself with because we mask it as love. and every one wants to be loved.
My prayer is, If your addicted (and you know it) know that you need to prepare for a battle. Even if you fail GOD loves the sinner, and hates the sin. He always forgives no mater how many times you fall. and if you point yourself to GOD(repentance) he will be there to help you get back up. The guilt you will feal is satins way to point you in a diffrent direction.
Me and my wife are breaking thru the cloud of deception of porn. We both used (Its not just a male thing) both of us had issues. MANY TIMES WE FELL. But us hypocrits keep seeking GOD in our weakness and he has healed us.
thanks again brian for your story,and your wisdom GOD Bless you.
