Welcome! Steve and Ann...Our Story.

Hi, we are Steve and Ann.  We have been married for 23 years, we have 3 children, 20, 18 and 13...this is our story.

About 11 years ago we had it all...great kids, private schools, money...all the worldly things.  I was in homebuilding and real estate, I was an elder in our church which had about 5000 members, Ann was a manager for a computer systems company and was raising our three kids...outwardly a very successful family...every one knew Steve and Ann had it made, what could go wrong...but there was a darkness in my life which I battled and controlled for the first 10 years of our marriage.

Then I began to convince myself that Ann no longer loved me.  We did not hold hands anymore, we did not go out on dates, the sex drive I had experienced in the very early days of our marriage was gone.  It seemed to me I was not needed.  All of this was not true of course, but satan had found his way in to my life again and I began to listen to his pack of lies. 

Craig Gross talks about "The end of Porn Boulevard".  For me, that day was January 17, 2006.

8 years earlier...I was an Elder in the second largest church here in Colorado Springs the day I was called in and the Executive Pastor said "Steve, we received a call from Pastor Ted Haggard and he seems to think you are leading an immoral life and that you are having an affair with a woman in this church"...It was true, and even though I thought I had been living a life of hell hiding my affair from the church, the true hell was only just starting.  I walked out of the church that day...thirty days later I received a letter in the mail from my church of 13 years telling me I had not "straightened out my life" in their time frame and they were "taking away my membership".  I was "not welcome back".  I had been kicked out of a place for the sick, because I was sick...  It is important to point out here that I do not blame the church, they did what they did because I did what I did.  Do I wish churches would learn to handle this different…yes! We (which includes all of you here who are willing to show your weakness) are a part of changing the church to a place for the sick and the lost to come find help.
 
For the next 8 years I went deeper into that hell and I never walked back into a church.  I loved God, but I hated His people.

January 17, 2006.  You see, I had lost my company I had started...I had lost a lot of money...I had lost my church...I had lost my dignity...but my only real true loss was the loss of my wife and three kids and the trust they had placed in this once great man of God.

Eight years in to a hell of affairs, pornography, sexual addiction and alcoholism.  I was living in a vacant home alone, my daughter had not spoken to me for over a year and I was so very ashamed of my behavior I felt I had nothing to live for…but God had other plans.

When I came to from my attempted suicide my wife was there and she said “Steve, you have to get help”.  I knew she was right.  I had put her through hell and yet there she was…she was finished but she cared enough to come look me in the face and ask me to get help.

I checked myself in to a place in Wickenburg AZ, a place called The Meadows; the next 5 weeks would change my life forever.  I still remember the very first night when I attend their closed SA (Sex Aholics Anonymous) meeting...I heard these men talking about their lives, the loneliness, thinking "if you knew me you would not like me"...and I cried...I finally realized I was not alone. 
 
I went back to church for the first time in almost 9 years to a little church in Wickenburg AZ, the pastor is Dave Hunter.  I will never ever forget him or the sermon he taught that day...it was about letting go of shame...it was about not judging others...it was about "Today is a new day and you are a new person".  If you were a Pastor who had personally known me and my life, this sermon that day would have been exactly what you would have written.  If I did not have it recorded I may not even believe that it actually happened...I was home and God had written a sermon just for me and He was telling me it was going to be OK...
 
I checked out of the Meadows on March 14, 2006 after 5 weeks as an in-patient.  They have a family week where your family comes for counseling...my kids came for a week but my wife left after day two...the day I had to tell her everything I had done...I had no more secrets, but she was gone.
 
I came home to nothing, but I had God back in my life.  I needed a church and so I went to New Life and I found a small group of 4 men in a Sexual Purity group.  I attended 90 meetings of various sexual addiction groups in 90 days around town,  I was clean and sober.
 
Our divorce continued, it was brutal...and I prayed every morning on my knees and every night on my knees that God would change my wife’s heart.  Four days after our 21 wedding anniversary on October 9, 2006 our divorce was final...except there was a problem...the paper work was not ready, no one knew why but the date would have to be reset to February 27, 2007...but on a day in November I sent my wife an email and I simply said (we could not speak directly to each other) "I am praying for you"...and on November 9th, 2006 my wife said "Thank You, I need that prayer and I want to work on our marriage".  On memorial weekend of 2007 I moved back into our family home where I am the father that my God wanted me to be.  I am not perfect, but I am forgiven.
 
I told God while I was in the Meadows that I would use these weaknesses as strengths...I told God I would hunt satan down in the lives of men who were suffering with sexual addiction and I am doing it.  I thank God for websites like xxxchurch.  I found hope in these pages long before we were asked to write this blog.  Here on this blog I find hope in the words you all write and I hope and pray you will also.
 
 I understand shame.  I believe it keeps marriages from working things out, from being able to talk about putting the past behind us.  I remember the day all of this came out about Pastor Ted Haggard.  Someone actually called me and said "this must make you feel good after Haggard was the one who turn you in"...they could not have been more wrong…my sadness for this great man could not have been anymore intense...I said "I have nothing but sadness for Pastor Ted.  There is not an emotion he has had that I did not have...I know that shame". 

New Life Church stripped that church clean of every single picture of Pastor Ted, they removed every reference of Pastor Ted, they removed every book he had ever written...they sent out the message most churches send out..."Sin and you might be welcome here, sexual sin and we will remove every scrap of evidence you ever existed, we do not want you here".  This has to change and you and I and Craig are opening doors in churches and we are saving lives.

I am married to a very remarkable person, she has the same heart of Jesus Christ, she forgives me and we are learning to hold hands again.  I am learning things about her I never knew.  But I always knew she was my best friend. 

I have learned through all of this that no amount of high temperature sex can replace that feeling of having your best friend, someone whom you trust and someone who loves you with all your bumbs and brusies…sex cannot replace that feeling.

Our marriage was considered past reconciliation, a waste of time to try…

This past Memorial weekend we celebrated the graduation of our daughter, my 49^th birthday, the 1 year anniversary of me moving back into the home and the reintroduction to my in-laws as their daughter's husband…they were incredible, forgiving people and they welcomed me back into their family…God was at work.

Of all the great things which recovery has given us, nothing is more noticeable and impressive than the changes in our kids…they are more positive about life, their self confidence is 100 times what it was, their grades are amazing with 30 to 50% increases and maybe most of all they understand how much work goes into a marriage, that marriage is tough to maintain, but that the rewards are there but you have to seek them out everyday.

Ann and I know there is only one place to give the credit for this amazing reconciliation, God….All Glory to God..

Women, we need you to try to forgive.  Guys we need you to be contrite and realize you have injured your wife deeply.  You did not get here overnight and you will not heal overnight, it takes time.

If you have children, you must make every attempt to forgive and move forward.  I promise you one day your children will be married; they will be having one of those moments where they are not sure this is a "good" marriage.  satan will wisper to them "The grass is greener on the other side" and they will wonder...they will use words like "I deserve to be happy" and "Well, we have just grown apart"...lies.

Ultimately they will look to their parents and say “Well when my mom and dad had problems they __________________.”  Parents you are filling in that blank…what will you put in the blank for your kids…..quit their marriage or fought for their marriage?  Love or Hate?  Kids important or is your happiness more important than theirs?  You will tell them whith your own life how to fill in that blank.  

We all arrive on this earth ready to change the world.  Leave a lasting legacy, the one that goes for generations and changes the world…give your kids a mom and dad who will stay together in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad…until death do us part….it will change lives for generations.

If you are a man and you believe you are unloved, lost and all alone in this...I assure you it is not true and we can help you to learn to change that feeling.  If you are a woman who does not know if you can forgive, we can help you see the plan God has for your life and how good forgiveness can feel and the difference you will see in the lives of your kids.

Hate and resentment will kill you, it will take years off of your life.  Resentment is like me taking poison and hoping you die...think about it...it kills you...let it go and try forgiveness.

"I am sorry" are very tough words to say, but I believe in all that we have seen, the toughest words are "I forgive you".  The happiness in our lives is amazing...the happiness we are experiencing as a family is unbelievable.  I believe we may have one of the best marriages I have ever seen. 

I remember the first day in counseling when our counselor said "So who's fault is it that you are here?”  I said "Mine.  I have been unfaithful to my wife and I have drug her through pure hell".  The counselor then asked my wife "Is this true, is this his fault?”  She answered "Yes".  The counselor then announced that we were finished because there was nothing he could do.  He said "No marriage gets here without both people making mistakes and not nurturing the marriage".  His point did not sit well with Ann, she was the victim...but God bless you sweetheart because you stayed...and we both started to look at our marriage and work on our own problems.  Blame is easy, self assessment and self change is not...but it started with three words from my wife that will change the future forever..."I forgive you."

Someday I know my wife will stand before God on judgment day and He will say "Well done My good and faithful servant, in you I am well pleased".  Well done sweetheart...you are my best friend in the whole world and the greatest mom any kid could ever have.  Thank you and I love you…

Through God all things are possible, even the impossible.

May God bless you all and give you peace.

Steve and Ann

Greg wrote on June 10th 08 at 04:44PM

Great story! I have been in recovery for over 4 years now and have seen at 6 marriages fall apart because there never was any forgiveness. I know that it not easy. I thank God that my wife has forgiven me. I hope both of you can continue to provide insight to couples. God bless you!

Steve and Ann wrote on June 11th 08 at 12:21AM

@Greg...We are so very happy for the two of you and the forgivness your wife has shown.

We live in a world where failure is not embraced. It starts at a young age when mom says "Johnny I told you not to go to the park!" and Johnny replies "But, Timmy did it too!"...and so it goes. We live in a world where we blame others and we do not take responsibility for our actions. I blamed my wife for not loving me to try to explain away my deplorable actions...I chose to act the way I did, it was my fault, not hers...I own that.

I am sure that you had to own your actions, admit your wrongs and humble yourself in front of your wife and God...then she found forgivness in her heart and I am sure it was still not easy for her. She has given you an incredible gift and in your words I can feel your gratitude and love for her...God has blessed you greatly with such a precious gift of this woman.

For some men they still want to blame others instead of looking inward. A wife finds it hard to forgive a man who cannot admit his failures...

I admire people who can share their failures, it is incredible how much good can come from it.

Thanks for being here with us Greg...May God continue to bless you and your wife and use you as the example for others.

Through posts like yours and sites like this we can change this...it will change the world and it will live on for generations to come.

Thank you for sharing your story...

Steve and Ann

Debra wrote on June 11th 08 at 03:17PM

Dear Steve and Ann,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I think the key is forgivness and never giving up on ourselves, each other, and especially our faith.

God Bless you both

wejam wrote on June 11th 08 at 09:37PM

Wow. Great story. I appreciate you sharing the details, even the painful ones. My hope is that God continues to mold the church into a place of restoration and that your ministry continues to reach out to those who are hurting. Thanks for your story.

Denise wrote on June 12th 08 at 02:32AM

Thanks for sharing your story! It's so great to hear about couples who have fought and are winning the battle.

My husband & I have been married for (almost) one year now; the first 4 months were secretly tainted by my husband's pornography addiction, until I found out. The next 2 months I spent trying to figure out how to forgive him and move on. No part of me wanted to let him off the hook or make him think that I was okay, but I knew that God had so much more waiting for me once I was willing to let Him have my hurt heart. On our 6 month anniversary I gave my husband a card saying, "I forgive you." and "I'm fighting this battle right along side you. I'm not going anywhere.". Porn (or even inappropriate images) haven't seen our home since that day I found out, 7 months ago. I am amazed at how much telling him that I forgive him has changed our marriage, and us individually. He still has to battle for his purity everyday, but now he has his ready and willing wife to encourage him through the weak moments of being tempted to look. God is so amazing and has healed my heart (and my husband's) beyond the point I knew it needed to go back to. He truly is amazing and life altering.

Keep up the good work guys!
We really look forward to more of your writings and your insight!

Steve & Ann wrote on June 12th 08 at 11:02PM

@Debra...

So simply put but you said so much...In the few marriages I have seen make it in this addiction a deep belief in God has been the one common denominator.

As you said, Forgiveness, Don't ever give up and Faith...

I know that for women the moment this is uncovered it is so very difficult, so much hurt and pain...

Jesus, hanging on the cross, beaten and bloody, as his life on earth was nearing the end gave us all the greatest example of forgiveness...

“Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

Jesus came and taught forgiveness. When I see women who forgive, like Ann did for me, I can only think of one example who compares...Jesus.

Thank you for your words Debra and thank you so much for being here.

God bless you.

Steve and Ann

Steve and Ann wrote on June 12th 08 at 11:23PM

@Wejam...

With great people like you and the others on this site, churches will continue to change. We all suffer, we all sin, we all have “stuff” and by sharing our weaknesses others will find strength.

We believe that churches should be places where over the entrances should be a sign which says “Emergency Room”. Through those doors should be the place where those who are broken and hurting would enter and inside we would all know exactly what to do…love them and let them know that no matter what they have done God loves them too. It should be a place of mercy and not judgment.

James 2: 12-13 – Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!

…Mercy triumphs over judgment…good words to live by…

Thanks for being here Wejam and thank you for your words of encouragement.

Steve and Ann

Steve and Ann wrote on June 13th 08 at 12:29AM

@Denise…

Thank you for being here and sharing your story of forgiveness. We are so touched by your act of forgiveness and the gift you are giving to your family and especially your husband. It brings tears to our eyes to read your words..

It is so interesting your insight on the gift of forgiveness…a greater marriage than one could ever imagine is what we have also found, just like you. “I forgive you”…what a beautiful gift for your aniversary…but what I read in your words is that through this amazing gift you gave, you have received more than you gave. You are a “Prisoner of Hope” who stands for her marriage and you are feeling the rewards which the Bible has promised.

“If you will be a prisoner of hope, God will restore back to you double everything that was stolen” (Zechariah 9:12).

Have hope in your marriage, work on it and God will give back twice the marriage that you had!!

You acknowledge that your husband still is in the battle which I think is so important for couples to understand. This is not a license to fail, but it acknowledges that we are dealing with addiction and temptation is all around us. You do not have to seek out sexual temptation, it is everywhere and by allowing your husband the freedom to discuss his struggles and by your words you have said you are there to “encourage him through the weak moments” and that you there “…fighting this battle right along side you”...this is one of the most incredible statements I have ever heard…and it is a rare statement and a very powerful defense against satan. You are wrapping your marriage in the armor of God.

With the freedom to discuss his struggles openly and without judgment I believe you will continue to strengthen this great union which God brought together between the two of you. I also believe it allows you to accept the past, learn from the past and forget the past.

“This one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind I press forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13).

You are correct, God truly is amazing and life altering, but God gave you the ability to chose and in that darkness, in that hell that you have gone through…You choose to become the light in that darkness.

Psalm 112:4 – “Light arises in the darkness for the upright…”

Denise, keep shining that light…let the world see it. Matthew 5:15 Jesus says” Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on the stand and it gives light to everyone in the house”

I will be keeping your story to share with others….it brings hope to those with no hope.

God bless you Denise. I believe your Father in heaven is looking down and saying “Well done my good and faithful servant, in you I am well pleased”.

Please keep coming back and sharing your triumphs and your set backs…they will change lives just as they have yours.

Thank you so very much!

Steve and Ann

Olga wrote on June 17th 08 at 08:58AM

Dear Steve and Ann!

I'm sorry for my English, it is not very good.

But I want to thank you very much from the depth of my heart for your telling this story here. It was so important for me to hear that! I'm a girl but I struggle from porn addiction too. I understand that but I cannot tell anyone of my friends about it, cause it is so shameful. But when I read your story I felt that God touched my heart giving me hope to be healed.

Thank you! I appreciate your sincerity very much!

Steve and Ann wrote on June 17th 08 at 11:17AM

Olga,

Thanks so much for being here, male or female I understand that shame and feeling of no where to turn, that feeling of loneliness, that feeling that I am the only one in the world who has this problem and that if you really knew me, you would not like me.
You are not alone here and I encourage you to come here often, post your struggles, your failures and your successes.

You bring out a good point in that women also struggle and it is not at all uncommon. By some surveys as many as 40% of women who attend churches suffer from addiction to porn. I believe it is a much bigger problem, but as you point out it is shrouded in shame and people are not coming forward.

I have attended SAA meetings which were open to both men and women and have been in groups where there were women. The sharing from these women left then men knowing, it is no different for men or women...it is a daily struggle.

The hardest thing I ever did was to walk into a group. My mind went crazy with thoughts like "What if I know someone" or "My problem is so much different than theirs"...these were all things which satan wanted me to believe, he wanted me separated from God and these "fears" where his tool.

What I found was a group of some of the finest people I have ever met...no judgment only kindness and love...I knew I was home and the feeling of sharing my struggles and finding men and women who said "I know how you feel, I felt the same way".

Olga, you are a precious child of God and He wants you to know how very much he loves you, how very important you are to Him. He wants you to know that you are the reason He sent His Son to die on the cross...for you, for everyone who struggles...

There are a number of great organizations and many have phone meetings you can join in on, here are a few:

www.sa.org
www.sexaa.org
www.slaafws.org

You are not alone.

Keep coming back here...you will find no judgment here, it is not what a relationship with Jesus Christ is about...

We love you,

Steve and Ann.

Josh wrote on June 18th 08 at 10:31PM

Steve,

Your story is amazing. Our God is so good!

I was wondering if you would consider emailing my dad... He has a problem with porn right now and I am really afraid of where it will take him. I hold him accountable through x3 but he is continuing to mess up about once every three months (at least those are the ones I know about) my mom is aware of this as well and frankly it is driving a huge wedge between them relationally and sexually. I feel intense pain for my mother and a good bit of anger towards my father. I have confronted him every time he has failed and it seems to be doing nothing. He has "accountability" in his life but it seems that these men either dont know him or care enough for him to speak the truth in love. It would mean a lot to me if you would consider emailing him out of the blue. I think it might do him some good to hear from someone who has walked a really hard path... I dont want to see him follow the same path you took (no offense). I think hearing your story and hearing your warnings might make him snap out of it.

either way thanks for your story it gives me hope!

Josh

Steve and Ann wrote on June 19th 08 at 08:09AM

Josh,

I will send you an email with my information. I will pray about this, seek God's words and send an email to your father.

I have seen kids young and old be the catalyst for change in their family. Thank you for caring enough to take the lead.

Ann and I will be praying for your dad.

Steve and Ann