At what price?
Words could never express to all of you how deeply your words touch me . I just wanted to say thank you so very much for all of the honesty, the fear, the hurt and the love in your words here on this blog. I know you are all writing words here that are changing the lives of others.
I wanted to share a personal victory with all of you that I experienced over the past couple of weeks. I share it because through God, all things are possible. From the brink of divorce and the destruction of a family to the ultimate in forgiveness...and I wanted to share it with you in the hopes that maybe some of you will find this kind of forgiveness in your families and share it here.
Pornography, masturbation, adultery...these are all very selfish acts, they are about self-satisfaction. As I look back at the past 10 years of my life, I am experiencing many things in recovery which make me ask myself why. What was it that was so important that I was willing to trade my family? Why would I trade the most precious things in life for sex? What was I looking for, love and happiness?
Did I find love? No, I found the opposite, I found loneliness. I lost my wife and my kids. I lost so many people I thought were friends. I lost my church and I lost my extended family.
Did I find happiness? No, I found the opposite. I found stress, anger, resentment. I became everything I did not want to be and a person I did not like.
I did learn that no amount of high temperature sex can make up for the love, tolerance, trust and enjoyment of another person's presence.
The real test of a sexual relationship is this: does one deeply enjoy the other's presence after sexual needs have been satisfied? Is it good, is it comfortable, is it pleasurable just to be around each other? Is each a better person because they are together.
I just experienced the graduation of my daughter. She graduated with honors, has a substantial scholarship to college and is the most amazing young lady...but I traded it all at one point...
My daughter did not speak to me for over a year; she was so angry at me and so hurt. I missed birthdays, school events, soccer games, awards...I missed so much that if I dwell on it, it brings me great sadness...a huge sense of loss. I traded her life for adultery...I traded time with my all my kids for sex...for a moment of self satisfaction, I traded months and years of my life, their lives.
But standing there with all her friends at graduation...pictures with her arms around me, pictures of the whole family together...words like "thanks daddy for all you have done for me" and the best words "I love you daddy"...enjoying every moments of this most precious time...the most important time in my life...this is what recovery is all about...love and forgiveness.
Another incredible event with this graduation was spending time with my mother-in-law and father-in-law. You see I had not spoken to them in over 10 years through my addiction and our separation. If any of you are fathers and I had cheated on your daughter, you know how you would feel and most people would agree with you...but they were coming in for graduation and staying at our home.
They had every reason not to come...they had every reason to continue to shut me out of thier lives and I am sure they dreaded and feared the moment as it approached. For 5 days we lived under one roof...My mind, with the help of satan, had already told me how bad this was going to be...but by the grace of two incredible people I was welcomed back into their family...it was an amazing experience and my in-laws are two of the most incredible people I have ever known. I was shown forgiveness...I was shown love...I was given another chance and I know it is a rare chance in this addiction. I am so very thankful and humbled by their grace. Thank you so very much mom and dad. Thank you for showing our children the power of forgiveness...the graciousness of God and the love of a family.
The last day they were here with us, my father-in-law said "We are so happy that the two of you have decided to work this out and to see the incredible effect on your children"...then he cried and so did I...
My youngest son said "Dad it is so incredible that Ganny and Papa have such a forgiving heart", I told him they had a heart just like Jesus...a great lesson for my son taught to him by his grand parents.
I am giving my children the greatest gift I believe I can give them in this life...a mom and dad who will be married until death do us part. We are in this for better or worse, in sickness and in health...our children know marriage is hard, but they have also learned the power of forgiveness and I have seen it shine bright in their family.
I know it does not always work out this way. I know many of you reading this are already divorced. I know many of you did not want the divorce and were powerless to change it...I want you to know I was not put here to judge others, only to love others...no matter what. To those of you, who feel there is no hope, just know I have been there and there is hope.
I prayed morning and night to get my family back. I would roll out of bed and get on my knees...at night I would kneel by my bed and pray, and then I would go to bed. I did this for months. 8 months into our divorce God delivered and we stopped the divorce days before it was final.
It has not been easy...but the price you pay for the destruction caused by pornography cannot compare to "I love you daddy"...priceless.
Thank you God, all glory to You.
Steve G
Your are welcome, thanks for being here and for the kind words.
Steve g
Well I was fortunate enough to check in to a place called The Meadows in Wickenburg AZ for 5 weeks. This was the basis for the beginning of my recovery.
I also attended 90 meetings in 90 days (AA, SA, SAA, Church small groups) when I returned which introduced me to a lot of great people and a log of great ideas for staying sober and off of pornography, sexual addiction and alcohol.
The Purpose Driven Life which I did with another recovering sex addict was huge but above all, I sought out a mens group and I sought out a church where the sick were embraced and where others were open and honest about their struggles, no matter what they were. It is imparative that men in sexual addiction begin forming healty relationships with other men.
Through the men’s groups I made friends and we had a call system where you had to call your accountability partner at least once a day. Since addiction is a sickness of isolation, these phone calls served two purposes. The first was to establish healthy, male friendships and the second was that when temptation struck, as we know it will, you had a friend to call. In small group each week we would celebrate these phone calls and the courage it took to make them. Over the past year many of these people have become closer friends than all the ones I THOUGHT I had before all of this started.
For the married people I also like the book The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real which will help couples learn to speak a new language when they address difficult issues, it will change their lives.
Thanks for the question and please keep coming back.
Steve g
Thanks so much for being here on this post, I certainly admire you for still being in your marriage...it is tough, but you are a Stander and I am proud of you. You are changing the lives of your children as you show them what mom's and dad's do in tough times...In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad.
You said it is not easy and I appreciate you saying that because it is so true. We as men want the addiction gone and we live in a world where we have FedEx and email and cell phones and instant credit approval....fast, fast, fast and so we anounce we are cured, never going to do that again and we set the course for failure...This is addiction and it is not easy, it is not like turning off a switch...it haunts you all the time. With a wife to pull us through, someone we can share the fear and temptation with...You are an armor-bearer for your husband in this war.
The armor-bearer in the Bible was a courageous person. Saul’s son Jonathan was facing giants but he knew the Lord was with him which he explained to his armor-bearer who responded in 1 Sam 14:7 "Do all that you have in mind. Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul." You are with your husband and your family "heart and soul".
Again another great point you make is "It is not easier". Thank you for this point. Somehow we forget that Jesus simply said "Follow Me"...I wish he had said "Follow Me and it will be easy and fun!", but he only said follow me.
Imagine John the Baptist, who was one of Jesus’ closest friends, they had been friends since childhood. here is John the Baptist sitting in prison about to get his head chopped off...in general things were not going well...he even asks at one point "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?". Following Jesus is a call to live in this world as citizens of an entirely different kingdom.
We follow Jesus because life will be better but it may not be eaiser and I want to thank you for pointing that out.
God is good and I know He will continues to bless you and your family. Keep coming back to this blog and let us know how you are doing.
God bless you my friend and may He give you peace and may you find hope in the small blessings which He surrounds you with everyday.
Steve G
Thank you for not giving up and following through on your walk of repentance (Teshuvah).
Maintain, don't deviate.
Shalom!
PRAISE GOD TO HIM BE THRE GLORY
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO BE DELIVERED AND THEN TO HELP OTHERS WITH THIS IF I CAN
THANK-YOU
Simon
