Divorce...the kids will be just fine...

I was blessed to come from a home with loving parents (that fought a lot, many times loudly), but my dad's parents divorced when he was 12. My grandfather died when my dad was only 15 years old; my dad said that made it easier. HE THOUGHT IT WAS EASIER TO HAVE A DEAD FATHER THAN DIVORCED PARENTS! That is pretty intense. That is enough for me to know that marriage is a serious thing and divorce hurts everyone.
I've only seen my dad leave the house in the middle of the night one time. His friend had decided to divorce his wife; my dad went to talk to him at 2am to encourage (read: beg) him to work things out, telling him how much it would hurt his children.
Hear this, God is a big God. He can restore the most damaged relationships. He can heal the deepest wounds. Sometimes I don't know how my parents have stayed together, but they have. There were so many fights that I could not begin to remember all of them, but they stuck it out. It takes grace; it takes patience, but it can be done. I believe. I have hope for marriage.

Yes. for me, I knew it would never happen, but you do kind of wish that.

My parents have been divorced for about 16 years now. My Dad was recently diagnosed with lung cancer...and as I sit 4 states away, I wish he had a caring wife to sit with him in the waiting room or hospital.

For my parents to reconcile would never work - don't get me wrong. But in little things (like Holiday visits) and big things (like Cancer) I sure do wish...

My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. Although I don't remember a lot of yelling and fighting, the divorce hurt...and yes, I wished things could return to a 2-parent family.

My mom left me with an alcoholic father and my sister, a budding young drug/alcohol addict. Both of them had pornography around the house, my sister held downright orgies in the basement of our house. My mom would have tolerated NONE of this, which is why she divorced my dad...his alcoholism.

Today, I'm in recovery for sexual addiction/addiction to pornography. Please know that, although I blame no one but myself for my addiction, it wouldn't have been fostered in my life at age 9 if my parents would have stayed together (and more importantly, had God been at the center of their marriage...my dad had NO interest in God whatsoever).

God is clear in scripture...He hates divorce...and we should to, as His followers.

What a timely post. For the last several months my marriage has unwound. I no longer respect my wife, and don't even like her as a human being. I feel like we are roommates living together, and the only thing keeping us together is our son and the belief that some how God put us together… either out of judgment or design (or both). I just brought my pillow up here to the bedroom next to my home office where plan to spend the night, as we just got into a fight (again), and I can't stand to be in the same room with her. My soul is longing for reconciliation and counsel from a third party, but my wife is not on board as evidenced by her actions. Not sure what to do, but I do know that I sometimes try to figure out what divorce would be like for our son and that is what keeps me from moving forward with it.

So to read this blog just now was a very timely happenstance. Not sure what to make of it.

Dan, Forgiveness my brother. Your son needs mom and dad together his entire life. I came from a broken home, dad disappeared when I was 10. My first marriage broke up for the same reason that you are describing, I had two young daughters at the time. The negative effect on them is still being worked out after 15 years. I now have four kids and the difference between the two that have always had Mom and Dad together is incredible.

Whatever your differences are, forgiveness is required. Forgive yourself for getting upset, ask for forgiveness, forgive her...just forgive. Be soft rather than hard shelled. Do not sleep in the other room, never go to sleep angry. Show nothing but love, do not command respect, just show love. These are all things I've learned from God and my walk through the bible. I am married to my wife for 14 years and am excited to meet again in heaven for eternity. Divorce is never an option, no matter what!

I am praying for you Dan, remember what brought you to marry your wife? What brought her to marry you? You are together for a reason, to raise that boy to be a wonderful father himself!

I was almost divorced once.
I believed the lie that it would be better (Happier) for all concerned if we just got divorced. Me believing that lie was leading me down the path. Reconciliation takes both parties divorce takes two parties to agree as soon as I agreed to divorce then it started to happen. Now when the idea is presented I know where that lie leads and I pray for God to reveal his truth and it has always lead to peace in our home.

I came from a stable home, I am very blessed that my parents are still together. I am 28 years old and have been divorced for 2 years. I was married for seven years, we both had our issues and I will never pass blame or judgement or try to say whose fault it was. She was prone to affairs and I was prone to porn. Both are equally sinful. I am ashamed that my marriage is broken. The lie that things will be better is just that, a huge lie. I didn't have kids of my own but I did have 2 step-daughters that were like my own. I am very sorry to report that after the divorce the kids lost all intrest in God, church or anything spiritual, which even though they were young they sometimes led us adults in these things, but after the divorce they went south. I have asked God's forgiveness for the failure and I believe that He has forgiven but the damage is already done. I try to talk to the kids as much as possible but sometimes this is not accepted by either their mom or her new boyfriend. I have been single and miserable and don't even have the desire to move on. I blame MY part of this relationship crumble on my porn addiction. I wish things would have been different. I recently received a call from my ex wife expressing that she felt similar. She said that she was tired of the life she was living and asked if we could try to start again. I am scared! I really want what is best and yet I am terrified that things will somehow be the same. I am so torn and confused and scared! I really wish things could have been different from the start and that God would have been #1 then. Now that the damage is done it is hard to say how things will ever be. I really just request your prayers as this new battle unfolds.

I have been struggling with thoughts of my girlfriend for the last weeks, but have been staying out of "porn". I realize that allowing myself to think of her that way before we get married is even inappropriate. I feel God's grace, but feel like I'm slapping God in the face. I know I need accountability, but have not found it with friends where I used to.
To top it off, I was checking e-mails yest. and accidentally bumped into a porn type sight, that leterally stunned me. It took me about 5 sec.s to turn it off, but about 5 min. to gain my composure. I spent the rest of the morn. fighting my thoughts, I should've gotten my radio and focused on worshipping. I now have more pics in my brain that I did not look for.
Please pray that I find the accountability I need and that I can gain back control of my thought life and honor God with my thoughts and not just sacrifice to the god of lust by justifying "it's the woman I am going to marry....".
Thanks

An excellent movie for you guys to watch is "Fireproof" and possible a good book to check out called, "The Love Dare". Excellent stuff for enriching marriage.

I live in a HELL on earth. I am a married man, handsome, passionate and sociable, married to an adult female who will have nothing to do with me (she detests me) yet I am to stay true to my wedding vows and maintain sexual purity in my heart and my mind while she lives her life as she wants to.
I have read all of your comments here, those that have divorced or been children of divorce or have had their marriage saved. Those who are concerned that it may happen to them and those that say "divorce is not an option". I can relate to many of you in different ways. I grew up without a father (he passed away when I was three) so I know how much losing a father can hurt. I have been married for 16 years and knew the day I married her that I should have stopped the wedding. For years I struggled with divorcing her, but "divorce was not an option". We both had agreed that it was a committment between us and God. I grew up going to church, strayed away from God for a few years and "both" of us were saved when we met at 21. We have been in the church ever since. Then we had our first child four years into our marriage and divorce would have come with greater consequences. I have two great children (12 yr old boy and 9 yr old girl) and the only reason I have not divorced her is because of my committment to God and their well being.
The real problem is this: I knew something was not right with her just before we married. It was a quick courtship (6 months) and the first of her bad behaviors began right before the wedding. Her yelling and anger were beyond anything I had ever seen. And at 22 years old, I was not equipped to deal with it, but I was "committed" to the relationship. After a while, she yelled at me for many different situations that caused her stress, and I started yelling back at her, for lack of a better response. I just could never understand how I could love someone so much who treated me so badly. I was never a perfect husband, but have done most things right, haven't made any big mistakes, and have tried to be thoughtful, caring and respectful throughout our marriage. We were intimate rarely and still are, and she could not and does not express normal feelings with me(I don't believe she knows how). And this became the norm for our relationship for 13 years. We raised our children in their early years in this environment. And then it began to unravel further leading to her total mental breakdown and hospitalization 1 1/2 years ago. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with elements of Schizophrenia and put on medication. She no longer exhibits any schizo behaviours, but mood swings are the norm. Now, she is a person who may have a few good days and then months of depression, sometimes deep. She takes herself off of her medication (because she thinks she doesn't need them) and then gets back on them when she sees what a mess she makes of her life. When she is not well, she yells and holds threatening postures with me and my son. She has even gotten angry enough with my son that she lost her temper and threw him against the wall. He is almost 13 and shared this with me and told me he walked away and went to his room.
She maintains her position now that she always has. I am the cause for all of her anger. I "abused" her, "neglected" her and anything else she can come up with. She said this stuff long enough that she even got me wondering. I went through a six month Family Life Skills program only to learn that I was right and that I did not and do not abuse her.
I, however, feel that her problems may have something to do with her fathers alchoholism and drug abuse, his physical abuse of her mother, her parents divorce and separation, four years living with her mother as a single parent, her mother abandoning her and sending her and her sisters back to her father, her father physically, verbally, and emotionally abusing her and her two sisters, her teenage pregnancy and abortion and her second boyfriend who met her three years later leading to his rape of her and assault and attempted murder on her life. I could be grabbing at straws here, but I think she might want to work some of these issues out with her therapist (if she ever decides to see her regularly and actually attempts to achieve any sort of change in her life and have a real relationship with me or my children).
As for God, she is "born again", but she has not lived her life as a Christian woman. She has attended church because I took her, always trying to delay us or otherwise make us late. I was even told by her at one time I "abused" her because I expected we would attend church as a family and actually got us up to get ready for church. She hates God, because ? he has not taken care of the problem (me), and of course God has failed her too. She doesn't set a godly example for her children in our house by the way she lives her life and will even keep our kid's from attending church when I travel for work and she doesn't feel like going to church herself.
She won't divorce me because "divorce is not an option". Why would she? I take care of her when she is sick including all of her duties in the house and I all the time I care for the house, cars, the finances and am the only one bringing the money home and she "knows" I won't divorce her because a) divorce is not an option and b) because she believes she can make good on the threat that if I divorce her I will be "lucky to leave with my clothes" (her words).
So, I pray about this daily, look to the wisdom of the holy spirit for answers and strength, try to be kind and respectful to her and let her find her path to try to build strong relationships with me and our children. I also am doing what I can to build strong relationships with her and my kids and my kids know that I am a great asset in their lives and that I love them dearly.
I am a sinner, saved by grace, and I do make mistakes. I have looked at porn, on again, off again and given up on never looking at it but do feel it separates me from the relationship I could have with God. That is what brought me to this website in the first place. I gave up (gave in) a long time ago the guilt and shame that came from looking at porn and masturbation. In the midst of the horrible relationship I have with my wife, I just see adultery or strippers or any other sexual avenue to find some gratification in my life as a whole lot worse. I can't have a relationship with my wife, because she is a mess, and I can't have a relationship with anyone else, because it is a sin, and I can't get a divorce because it is a sin and so is every relationship after the divorce.
I have many opportunities to have a relationship with other women often, but I choose not to because of the consequences but I have decided that if her behavior worsens to the point that the children and I are in a verbally, physically, emotionally or otherwise abusive situation, I will pull the plug and divorce.

I am trapped, and I hate it, and I can't do anything about it but pray, and hope, and try to not get destroyed by this situation. I look every day to try to find perfection and holiness in my life, and if I never looked at porn again, I feel I could be closer to God, but I will then be a celibate man, something I never, ever in my life wanted. Neither God nor I can't change her unless she looks at herself and wants to change. I love her as a person, as a sister-in-Christ and could even love her as a husband if she decided to have a relationship. As of right now, though, I don't respect her behavior or like her as a person. I also can't trust her because of the many things she has done. But I can hope. And pray.

I hope 30 or so years from now, at the end of my life, I don't regret my committment to her and God and have 45 years of living a life of celibacy and loneliness to look back upon.

Her name is Kelly, my name is above. All prayer is appreciated. Any thoughts?

To Borntofly,

I am a mother of five boys. My churchs youth pastor recommended this site to me(boys on internet)so now I get the emails... the headline this am( of divorce )grabbed my attention. I have been divorced 2 years, separated over 3, marrried one month shy of 20 yrs. Divorce is horror. When I read your blog, tears came to my eyes, I inititally could not read through it because of the pain. My ex had mental illness and I struggle everyday to deal with the guilt of divorce " for better or worse, sickness and health" He refused treatment, I stayed as long as I could. I miss my family together. However, I feel my obligation to God in raising boys to be men was greater to set forth an example of how a woman must be treated in a marriage.... with respect. I pray that my boys will marry someday and treat their wives well. I left my marriage because of this. I am not encouraging divorce to anyone. All I know is that my ex husband had a choice to get help many years...... he refused. God gave us these boys as gifts, I am giving the best guidance everyday.... but I am not a man.... I know they need a positive man role model in there life.with my church and friends I try to provide that influence. I am sure that God listens to me and answers my prayers in His time. He know my heart. Good luck to you and your family. I will pray for Kelly that she seeks wisdom in seeking therapy. I will lift you and your children in prayer as well. A family is always stronger and more effective as a unit.

I come from a family that divorced when I was in kindergarten/first grade. The divorce occurred primarily due to a lack of trust from my mom cheating on my dad once, then a "possible" second time (i don't know whether it is true or not, both parents tell different stories). I was affected by it deeply, having major emotional situations when it first happened (I remember nothing about it but have been told. I assume i have repressed the painful memories) and my family was nominally Christian. Post-divorce we were equal custody children, but I "got used" to the situation. However, my getting used to it led to major insecurity and fear, including unnatural introversion, in grade school. Only after I first chose to believe the Gospel and follow the Good news did I change into a confident, compassionate extrovert. To this day I have low levels of attachment with all of my family (which I have to struggle with great difficulty to change) and am EXTREMELY passionate for modeling a good Christian father and husband to my wife and children (assuming I get married, obviously).

Yes, I do wish reconciliation would have happened. I do wish my parents were together and/or I had stronger relationships with all of them, especially my father. Sometimes divorce is necessary, and adultery is the one biblically acceptable reason, but guys, we HAVE to work harder for this! American mainstream is laughing at Christians for their lack of dedication to the sanctity of marriage.

To Borntwofly,

I really feel for you in this situation, and I'm not sure if you have ever considered this option but It's worth a try. There is a couple who wrote 2 books. The husband wrote to men explaining the inner lives of women, and the wife wrote to women explaing the inner lives of men. This book called "For Men Only" By Jeff Feldhahn has been the best reference for me to understand the way that women think and react to different circumstances. I would highly recommend this book to you and the "For women only" for your wife. If she reads it and takes the heart the needs that you have as a Man, and you take into account her needs as a women it may help your situation. Here's a link to the book on Amazon. Help this helps.

Brian

borntwofly
WOW
I can only give you this much......
I was in a very similar situation with a woman who needed meds to maintain some calm, which was a saving grace when they were used.
I sought God, counsel, friends, and family to try to figure out what to do....oh yeah, did I mention the Word?
I did search the scriptures for an answer, and it was there......Yes, stay faithful to your vows....\
I found an article in a Christian magazine from about Oct. of 2007...I believe in Charisma or another similar Christian magazine. The article was directly about divorce and right or wrong. The author went on to discuss the Biblical view on divorce and it's view based in the time it was written. I am not going to say much more than that. God did finally set me free to divorce and there is grief from it. Unlike you, I was not legal parent to any of the four kids I helped raise for 7 yrs. I no longer get to see or talk to "my little girl" that I raised who did not have her "real father" in her life. She now has a new father and her bitter mother who lies to her about who and how I am. I can only pray that God watches over her and her brothers. I will put you on my prayer list. I don't know how you ended up here, but let me assure you that you will find support and encouragement here.
Thank you xxxchurch for being here and I will be continuing to get the accountability and help that I need to get this addiction whipped.
God Bless and thank you again.
Sean Tero

To Borntwofly,

Your story and pain reminds me so much of my trials. My wife did divorce me after 23 years of marriage. I tried to reconcile and did all I could to love her as Christ loves the church. But in the end she wanted what she wanted and I had to let her go. Praise God your wife is not there, she is willing to stay in the marriage.

God is a God of hope. I have been sustained and filled with grace through my trials of whether to stay or not by focusing on what God can do in me through these trials. I spent hours meditating on these passages in scripture, and many times in tears crying out to God for relief. But sometimes God will leave us in our state to show his power, grace and sustaining power. Please read Romans 12, Ephesians 4, and 1 Peter 2:21-24, 4:12-14 and 5:6-11. These passages have given me comfort and guidance for the seemingly hopeless situation I lived in and still live in.

Divorce has not made anything better. My wife (still have a hard time calling her my ex, because in God's eyes we are still married), believes her life is better, but only because she got what she wanted. She doesn't see the wreckage of my life and the life of the children. Stay in the fight, get help, work on yourself, walk in purity but remember you are a sinner and God died to save sinners. There is HOPE, because is more concerned with making us more like Him through the trials. Remember our life in Christ is a life of walking as "a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma" Eph. 5:1-2. Fragrance is released by crushing.

I weep with you brother, don't stop fighting and working to be conformed into the image of Christ as you learn to love your wife and be faithful to your vows.

Lastly get help. There are excellent biblical counselors available all over the country. What has helped me tremendously is NANC, and you can find a counselor by going to their website www.nanc.org.

Your are loved and being prayed for.

In Him,
David

Hi Everybody
Dont know how I got to this website, but boy am I glad.
Im also struggeling with porn - and masturbation.

Ive only been married for 18 months, but Ive contemplated divorse plenty times. We cant stop fighting. Originally it was only arguments, but since weve got married we are shouting, screaming and sometimes even swearing. I lose total control – even knocked the windscreen out of my car oneday – and the weirdest thing of all is that im not an aggressive person at all and ive got the worlds patience with everybody but my wife.
I struggle with porn and masturbation – especially after huge fights – and I justify with the fact that I need some stimulation as my marriage is offering none. My wife says that I don’t love her enough, that I don’t care enough and that Im continuously hurting her. I will never cheat on her, but I am starting to believe that I don’t care enough. Yes she has mood swings, but she is a strong women and she cares and loves me to pieces. Im asking God regularly to share some of His love with me to give to her. I really want to love her, care for her, cherish her and give her safety and comfort. But something in my heart avoids it, almost holding me back. If got loads of love to give to other people! I do sometimes feel that I wasn’t ready for marriage, but she was and I could risk losing her. Now its gone out of control.
Please would you pray for me, for guidance to lead my marriage, to be the man and husband God made me to be, to love my wife, to come clean from lust, porn and masturbation, to find a spiritual home in our new environment, a possible accountability partner, for unity and aligned thoughts with my wife, for trust, for repair of our marriage and for forgiveness for what we are doing to each other and to God, the creator of marriage.
I know God can turn this around, please pray with me. If someone has advice or help it would be much appreciated. I will be a regular on this site from now on.

Thank you each one of you for your comments/words of encouragement. I appreciate the option of the two books mentioned. I will probably follow up on it. I may get the book for her, but she often won't read anything, and interprets an offer like this as me "controlling" her in yet another way. Like I said, I have not walked away because of my committment to God and I want to see my kid's in a home that is "together", even if it is dysfunctional. I know I can have the greatest positive influence on them this way. And yes, if it becomes dangerous, I will take the step towards divorce. I just pray things improve (I know I am trying to do my part), I will try to remain sensitive to the Holy Spirit (why I am here in the first place) and see where God takes us. Thanks all for your thoughts and your prayers.

Paul,
I feel for ya....being in a commited relationship is one of the most rewarding and yet one of the hardest things. My marriage failed, I'll tell ya right up front...
I tried my best and it wasn't good enough.
The biggest thing I can recomend to you is to keep seeking God for compassion to love her through His eyes. I'll be the first to say I don't have all the answers, but God, the Word, good Christian literature, and friends and family got me through the hard times. I wish I could say that she wanted to make it work, but .....
Paul, you will be in my prayers and I am on here frequently now to help keep my God focus.
I haven't conquered my addiction yet, but I am on my way, through the grace of God.
May the peace of God guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Sean


My needs......
I have found my mind being or seemingly being bombarded with thoughts of women's bodies. It's not like I'm looking at porn and lusting after women. I'm sure the piccys from the past haunt me, but just living in the world where we are surrounded by women who think they need to dress provocatively to be worth something, I'm frankly /STRESSED OUT!!!!!!
I try to keep my eyes and thoughts honoring God, but it seems like a 24/7 job...yeah only when I'm awake......
I'm also struggling with keeping my thoughts toward my girlfriend pure, which by the way is improving, thanks for the prayers.
I'm glad this sight is here...a safe place to vent and get prayer.
I'm gonna seek some further support.
God Bless,
Sean

My parents divorced when I was 23 and my brother was 20. It helped that since we were adults there were no custody issues to work out, but it was still a very difficult time for me.

My parents separated once prior, when I was 17 but later reconciled. My dad admitted to me sometime ago that one of the reasons he stayed in the marriage for so long for the benefit of my brother and I, so that he could see us into adulthood.

To think of the sacrifice this man made for us is truly humbling.

My parents divorce is what led me closer to God. I had always found strength and comfort in my family but when the divorce happened and the family grew apart, I didn't have anywhere to turn for comfort anymore. I started to reach out to God more and eventually found comfort in Him. So for that I am thankful.

I think divorce is challenging at any age and never an easy thing to go through for the partners divorcing or the children of those partners.

Now that I am early on in my own marriage, divorce is something that hits a little closer to home. Both my dad and grandfather ended up divorcing their wives (Dad is since remarried) and I sometimes worry I'll end up walking the same path. However, neither my dad nor grandfather are Christians, so I hope God's strength and glory will allow me to build and maintain a strong marriage where they were unable to.

My mother and father divorced when I was getting out of grade school. My mother said to me that she just didn't love him anymore. After the divorce my dad played the victim for years, blaming my mother and turning us against her some what. My mother had custody of us, but was not prepared. Not prepared for a boy growing up into a man. Going through puberty with out the help of a father is a very terrifying thing. It seemed like my mother (who was probably in pain also) had the attitude of 'just leave me alone'. And she would buy us anything we wanted to maintain that. Well, I needed more than that. My grades fell, I began getting more involved with friends than school. Then I began to really like girls... ALOT. Looking back on that time now I know that's when my addiction began to take root. I simply had no direction, and a mom that just didn't care. My father, a strict disciplinarian would do the best that he could, but when ever things got tough with him I knew I could always hide behind my mother. When he would visit, he would always berate me, come down on me about this or that. I needed my father, but it seemed that he really didn't want anything to do with me either. I am older now (in my mid 40's). About two years ago my father confessed that he had been unfaithful to my mom and I had 3 sisters out there from 2 different mothers. I felt so... I can't even describe the feeling. I hated and loved and thought he was so perfect and was disgusted with him, all in the same moment. Well... to make a long story short, my parents have never remarried (thank goodness), but they left me with deep scars, and pains, and wounds that have followed me for 30+ years.

Now I have a marriage and a son of my own. I have vowed to myself and God and my wife to never get a divorce. I've been married for 17 years now and we both have our baggage and are working through it.

Don't get me wrong, God is still good. Maybe he put me through all this pain just to write this letter to you. But... boy oh boy do I wish that my mother and father had worked things out. I wish...

To Paul~

I am a married woman who has 'caught' my husband looking at porn repeatedly throughout our marriage and I thought I would just give you some thoughts on what we are currently going going through. I know this is the men's blog but it is also good for us women to read what you guys are going through as well to help us cope with why it is so appealing and addicting.

In the beginning we fought often! Just like you describe in your marriage of 18 months - except I believed it to be because we lost our first son so early on our journey together as a couple. (We had our first child out of wedlock.) Looking back, I do think much of that is working things out - how to communicate effectively, how to love one another the way each of wants to be loved unconditionally. I knew porn was an issue then but I had hopes that it would just go away since we had married and now there wouldn't be this need. Over time, it became worse, I would type something into the browser and before I finished typing the drop down list showed tons of sites and I was appalled! I would get upset, bring it up and then drop it. We had lots to work out - not only with the trust issues surrounding the porn but with the grief of losing a child and even 9/11.

Eventually, we learned how to communicate again and became involved in activites that we both enjoy that brought us closer and gave us time together and doing something we both enjoyed like playing soccer and volleyball.
After a couple of years we decided to try and have another child and when I did become pregnant I knew my hubby was turning to porn so I confronted him and said that I would subscribe to Playboy and Maxim for him and if he wanted to watch porn I would do so with him even though I was appalled by it. The more I let it go the worse it was getting. He gave me reasons why he wanted to look at porn and then even convinced me to buy toys, movies and such to try and see if it would help. I felt so down and unworthy, I never told him, I tried to fulfill his need and want.

I eventually realized how bad it really is and have since confronted him about it. Perhaps 6 months or so I ago I found out he was looking again and never told him, I called a friend and said I was ready to leave and I couldn't take it anymore. She suggested that I talk to him when I am calmer and explain to him how it made me feel. I am not a calm person when I upset - I am someone who doesn't have emotional control but I am working on it - so I decided to send him a long email explaining how I felt and how hurt I was. When he got it he emailed me back, bought me flowers, and promised to not do it again. It hurt when he did break his promise and it hurt a ton when I asked if he had looked and he denied it - it hurts to be lied too as well. He has done it since but that initial email helped to get the topics on the table.

I have caught him many times since and just recently (this past weekend) I blew up at him and told him I didn't know how much more I could take and I wanted him to leave. He held me and let me cry and explained it wasn't me. We talked on and off all weekend and are now getting some help I hope. He has shared his feelings with me about how he is feeling and what he needs, as well as how he thinks I could perhaps help him with his addiction. I have been able to share how I feel and how I have lost trust in him but I am willing and committed to make this work. We have just gotten the ball rolling but let me tell you how much better I feel even though we really haven't done much yet except talk and brainstorm.

We are buying about 4 books tonight, Every Man's Battle, The Love Dare (one for each of us), and Fireproof. We both know how much books can help as we have read Love and Respect and the Five Love Languages which helped us throughout the last couple of years as well. We are also going to see the movie Fireproof. My hubby has even told me that if I catch him in the act to tell him right away, and do something about it and try not to blow up at him...he is open to suggestions and wants help and I commend him a ton for it.

My recommendations would be to talk to your wife...explain how you feel without degrading and defending why you do certain things in response. I also highly recommend reading Five Love Languages and Love and Respect (something I am doing again because I know I am not speaking my hubby's love language right now) and put it into action, once you start she will follow. Lastly, pray...pray for forgiveness, pray for strength, pray for accountability and pray for your marriage and your wife. I will pray for you and your wife...marriage is wonderful! We have made it through so much - divorce is not an option and the divorce rate should be much lower - you just have to believe and commit, stay true to your vows and seek guidance! I wish you the best.

TornApart,
I'm no counselor, just a man who has a sexual addiction for which I am in a 12-step program...men that meet once a week to hold each other accountable. It is NOT a place where we heap guilt, shame and condemnation on each other...it is a safe, open place for us to help each other heal. This is what your husband needs, I think...healing.

You mentioned several books that you purchased...they are all excellent...may I add one more for your husband to read? It is Sex, Men & God by Dr. Doug Weiss. He talks about things that helped me understand WHY I am the way I am, so that I can realize that only God can help me through this.

God bless you and your husband. You obviously love him alot to be where you're at now...may God give you both the strength to grow your marriage to a healthy state...I'm doing the same, and it ain't easy.

Thank you for what you guys are doing here.

I am 22 and like many I am addicted to pornography and masturbation. First getting caught into it when I was 13 and its embarrassing to say. I've asked for prayer so many times and have asked God to forgive me too often. It is like I spit in His face each time I mess up. I even lead a cell group and have councilled a few guys on the issue. I am a hypocrite and portray this image of righteousness.

I have asked a few guys to hold me accountable but either they fail or I do. It is eating me up inside and I know how it will mess up my marriage one day. I now have an amazing girlfriend whom I disrespect every time I look at porn and masturbate. What hurts me even now is knowing that I'll have to tell her someday if I am to marry her. How will she ever trust me then? I have read so many books and now feel like nothing can help.

It is an addiction and I wish I had the courage to have stopped ages ago and not be so impure now. For those who are reading and are not deep into pornography, or are, get out, its not worth it. I just wish I can realise that and actually become a real man applying it in my life before it kills me.

Please pray for me. I really need it. I must take radical steps and I really hope I stick to them. God bless you guys.

I can't help but respond to the last post....
It's not hopeless. We are all struggling with the same temptations for the most part. We have all fallen to them, or should I say given ourselves to them. We are bombarded almost constantly in our world daily with sexual temptation. Don't give up hope, but give in to God. Fill your mind with Him. Stay accountable, if you're not accountable, get it. Be honest with your girlfriend, but I would not share much detail with her unless it is serious. I don't have all the answers, and I do struggle daily with my thought life, but I have found the most success with my recovery in accountability with brothers and relationship with God. The Holy Spirit will help hold you accountable as well. If you want out, ask and you shall receive.
It's a journey of healing, don't give up, push forward. The righteous fall seven times, but get up seven times. Get back up and pursue righteousness. I was tempted tonight to seek perversion for kicks, but chose to get on here to be accountable and get God focused and encourage others. It helps to know that you're not alone, and that others are out there praying.
God Bless
Sean

G-morn,
I was doing devotions at crosswalk.com and was struck by the crosswalk daily devote.
Am I living what I believe?
In my thoughts, my actions, my words.
Am I just talking it, or do people see it?
If people could see my thoughts, would they see me honoring Him or being selfish? I was convicted of the times, many at that, where I have just casually allowed my thought life to dishonor God. His grace is soooooo awesome, He is sooooo awesome. Why do we take His love for granted? We are hurting and broken people, but God is gracious and loving.
Today I am going to make a big effort to be aware of and honor God with my thoughts.
How do I do that? "Be ye transformed by renewing your mind...."
Wash our minds with the Word.
Pray and seek God and sing praises to Him.
Pray for those who need Him.
Turn away from sin and turn to Him.
God Bless

To stoffel~

I really give you a ton of credit for knowing that you have addiction especially when you are not married and are young. I do not know if you are in a serious relationship right now but you are aware that the truth needs to be told and that is an amazing realization!

When my hubby lies to me, it hurts - it hurts more because I know he his lying, especially when it is me confronting him. I don't know that he would have ever told me about the porn if I had never caught him (the first time I caught him we weren't married yet - I had just found out I was pregnant at the time). Even then it hurt because we had just had an argument and that was what he turned to. I don't understand why and I don't know I ever will nor if I really want to...It still hurts to think that all that has to happen is an argument to get him to run to the porn...my fear has always been that he would run to another women eventually to fulfill those desires he was seeking with the porn.

Find yourself an accountability partner (I am asking my hubby to do this - as I don't think it should be me), download the software and make sure that the information is set to that partner, find ways to distract you from doing it when you are most vulnerable (for example, my husband has acknowledged that he does it when I am not home or around and typically after an argument - so he has bought some activity books such as sudoku and tells me to check up on him and try not to leave him alone), and pray. Eventually tell your future wife the truth and explain why you are telling her and how you plan to change it. I truly believe that if it supposed to be she will be understanding and give you credit for taking that step forward, she will likely be upset by it but knowing you told her rather than lie or hiding it and acknowledging that you have an addiction should speak volumes to her about your dedication to her and your future with her.

I wish you the best and will pray for you - you can overcome this!

To Steve G~

I just wanted to say thank you for your response and for following up to make sure I received it. I really appreciate it and have forwarded your message to my husband. At this time he isn't interested in counseling or finding an accountability partner, he thinks I should be that person. He is also saying it won't happen again because of the pain he has caused me, especially this past weekend (I have broken down pretty much every night crying because it still hurts so bad). I really want to believe him but the trust isn't there and he knows that.

He has asked of how he can prove to me that he is serious this time and I just don't know. I have installed x3 onto our personal laptop but he says he can't install it on his work one (which is where I catch him the most). He is also willing to allow me to install something onto his blackberry but I guess there isn't anything available for that yet (when it does I want to know). He seems very willing, understanding and truthful but I am not sure his committment is fully there just yet.

The truth is, this last time I caught him it tore me up big time, I can't sleep, I'm not really hungry (for being 34 wks pregnant), I find myself crying when I am by myself, and I just don't know what to do if he isn't truthful this time. I compare what he did this last time to cheating on me with me in the room watching and not even acknowledging I was there...

We did talk last night about what should happen if he were to do it again...he is willing to set up some sort of repurcusion but we couldn't figure out what that should be. He did take the day off of work today and we spent the day together while our son was in school and it was really nice. I have started reading The Love Dare and he started reading Every Man's Battle. We are taking some baby steps but not sure if it is enough. I strongly encouraged him to contact you but I really don't think he will.

Thank you again for your response and recommendations. I am hoping this too shall pass and we will be stronger from it...

@TornApart

Thank you for your encouragement even in the midst of your turmoil. Your openness has shown me how my actions could hurt others and I don't want that. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I really pray that Jesus comforts you in this time and that he guided you and your husband through this. Your story has taught me more about the consequences of my actions than many books I've read: thank you for your honesty.

@sean

Thank you also for your encouragement. I have already taken steps to change and have bought Every Man's Battle. Mark Driscoll's "Porn again christian" is also helping me through some of the stuff. I have committed to God that I will work on this and run to Him instead of things that cannot satisfy. I am even considering cutting out all movies in my life where I know/hear about sex scenes play out (extreme but drug addicts can't even have a sniff of their old drug, hey?).

One thing that has helped me before which I have forgotten about, is focusing rather on Jesus than on the problem. That is the only thing I can advise others on seeing as I don't have this down myself.

Thank you to everyone for what you are doing here. Seriously, God bless you.

I have a hard story to share:
I am 25 and have been married for a3.5 years. I have used Covenant Eyes for the last couple of years on my personal computer and work computers. I have failed multiple times with porn and looking and masturbating. I have told my wife, she is an accountability partner, so I steer away from porn on the computers that she can see through the program. My work recently switched the server on our computers, so I was told I had to remove my monitoring software, it was in violation of my work Internet Security Agreement. I then started visiting several sites I should not have. I am stopping this time for good, and need prayer for my addiciton. I am looking for a SA group in my area, which is the East Bay (San Francisco Area, CA). I need someone I can be totally accountable to, pretty much everyone I have tried, I sneak around to muc. I have integrity issues as well. I know that I am hurting my wife, and our future children. I know my relationship with God is nonexistant, I no longer want it that way. I have several resources: Every Man's Battle, Good Husband & Great Marriage, The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex, various books on Anger Management and integrity, Dobson What Women wished their husbands knew, and a men's group that meets monthly at church for accountability. I have beeen the cause of my wife to be fired from a church job because I looked at porn on the church office computer, then confessed. I realize that she should not have been so drastically affected by my actions, but still, what I did was terrible. I need to become the spiritual leader in my family again, and treat my wife with the respect she needs. Because of my anger issues, (which stem from being a survivor of male sexual assault as an adult and molested by two family members as a child) I have lashed out at her and acted inappropriately. I have peeped under the door at her 4 or 5 years ago with a mirror that she had when she was taking a shower, I never did this before or since. I also in a moment of anger, did not listen when she said no to an advance I was making two years ago, and she is very angry because I 'almost raped her.' She says she is very angry because she has to deal with her husband being her rapist, now I know she was angry when she said it and she is dealing with a lot of things that we haven't dealt with. She and I had a loud arguement that was totally my fault late at night, the cops were called, took her away even though neither one of us laid a hand on her, and while she was in jail awaiting bail i was on our computer looking at porn. So she has a very big right to be angry, she has been in a 52 week anger management course, and I am seeing a psychiatrist to get some stuff to help me with nightmares, and possible mental illnesses. I need prayer. Please pray for strength for me and reconcialiation between me and my wife. We have had numerous fights, but 'divorce is not an option' although we have come pretty close. Please pray for us.

Is divorce ALWAYS wrong?
I am 15, my family is messed up and I feel like I am the only one who feels this way.
My mom is a christian, always has been, my dad isn't, he attended church while dating but never again aftare married. my sisters and I have been raised in a christian environment (school, church, friends) maybe being all 3 of us ( my sisters) christians has caused me rejection towards my father.

When I was 12, my dad cuaght me watching tv in his room, which was strictly prohibited since they had some porn channels that hadnt been removed. I didnt see anything bad that night but anything i had seen wouldnt mark me the way his correction did. He beat me up for 15 min. while I was begging for forgiveness, I know the outcome of this situation would've been different if he had been a christian. My parents werent on good terms back then, and i knew my dad was cheating on my mom I didnt say word to anyone because there was no way to confirm it. At age 14 he said and i quote "you have a younger sister, she's 2" I didnt know how to react i felt violated, it had taken me some time to forgive what had happened 2 years ago and now this. He had brought up someone else into my life and didnt even mind saying i'm sorry or i made a mistake. All he did was make excuses for his actions.
Lately I have come undertstand that he'll never believe in God, or so it feels & I dont want to live through this hell. If he doesnt see what he did as bad or sin, then there might always be a possibility of him doing it again.
I honestly wish he wasnt a part of my life, i dont want to try to love him & act like nothing has happened, i hate him & i wish he could see how he has hurt us. My mom says i cant expect him to feel terrible about what he did for ever, but I just haven't seen him feel the slightest regret about it.

My mother loves him or so i think but all he does is disrespect her and insult her.
I do not believe he deserves love from me because he sustains me and is my father.

Is it okay to feel the way I do?