Where can I get help?

It is a common question here on this site.  Certainly admitting you are powerless against this, that porn has no redeeming value and that at some level, you have lost your battle against pornography; this is truly the first step...but then what?

I think finding a group of "real" men is critical to a successful recovery.  I am not a big believer in "Mountain Top" Experiences for the treatment of addiction, by this I am referring to the "Retreat" format like Promise Keepers or the Every Mans Battle conference. Don't get me wrong these are godly events, they do change lives and you should attend them as a part of your recovery, but I do not believe they will work long term in addiction.   

When I came back from Promise Keepers years ago I was going to be a changed man (this was before all of my addiction started).  We would leave the event with the hugs and promises, small groups would form, and within 3 months it was gone.  I just never saw the depth of sharing and honesty in these types of groups which are necessary for true accountability.

I also do not believe this is truly every man's battle the way it is for me and many of you who come here.  For me, this was as real as it gets...it was not about temptation, it was not about reading/forwarding the office email, it was not about speaking inappropriately to my office co-worker, this was about a compulsive behavior which I became powerless to stop until it destroyed my family and almost killed me.  
 
The men I have met in groups like SA, SAA, SLAA, Celebrate Recovery and through "real" church groups, are the guys who are not afraid to share their true story and their walk...they are a group which you can find in almost every city in America, but you have to look for them. I wanted to change, so I attended every single group I could find, not once or twice but for weeks in a row until I knew I had found a few good ones.  I attended what is called 90 in 90; 90 meetings in 90 days. 

When your gut tells you "If I join this group I am going to be asked questions, expected to participate and it is going to be hard for me to fool them...that group which scares you because of their brutal honesty and their undying commitment to each other.  When you find the right group you will find a peace which will be like nothing you have ever known...you will be among friends and you will come to realize you are home.

This will most likely not be a new group, it will be a group which has met for a very long time, a group who has seen many men come and go, a group which is not worried about keeping them all...it will be a group for a man who is serious about his recovery and these men will be committed to help each other. 

 
It is hard to walk in to these groups for the first time...it scared me and it was hard to walk through that door.  Of course what scared me, was laughably stupid on my part, because I was afraid I might know someone!!  The fear could not have been more misplaced, because what I found could not have been more different from what I expected...these were real men with real stories and a real desire to stay sober and help others…they were kind and loving.  

In this battle I have found a couple of real brothers and I thank God for them...I can call them night or day, no matter what I have done they would be there...I will know them for the rest of my life.  The greatest gift is knowing they are real and they are truly my friends.  In life, we are fooled into thinking we have many friends, but when you have been to the darkest places, when you have been cast out...you learn the true value of a friend and I am glad to have a couple of them in my life.  You know who you are guys...Thanks so much for speaking into my life, for holding me accountable and for your true friendship.
 
The most important thing is to do it now!  Do not wait, do not let fear stop you from the life God has planned for you.  The time to get help is today, tonight, tomorrow...ASAP, do not wait.  You need all the help you can get because satan will be back, he is very patient and he will wait and wait.
 
When you attend these groups, there will usually be a "Call List" handed out to the new guys; this list is your life line.  It will contain phone numbers for men who you can call when you are tempted...it could save your life.  I have made these calls often, like most of this at first it was hard to do but I did it.  Everyday I would call men on this list, sometimes multiple times per day.  We formed friendships and we fought off the temptation together.

I will never be cured...I speak to my accountability partner almost every day and many days we talk 2 or 3 times.  Sometimes it goes like this; "How's it going?  Any temptations?  What are your plans for today?  Promise to call if you have struggles? Bye.”  It is simple and sometimes, though not often, very short.  Actually most days we will talk for 15 minutes or more.
 
If you want to change your life, you must make changes...I know you guys can do it because you are all Great men of God. 

(This note added on June 26, 2008) - If you would, please share below your experience if you have been to a group or if you have not been to a group maybe what fears you might be feeling.  Thanks

Steve G

Paul W wrote on June 25th 08 at 10:53PM

Steve

You are so right. I have found some great accountability partners in SAA, SA, and a mens therapy group nearby. My two year sobriety is June 29, 2008. By the grace of God I will get there. Today was challenging enough in fact the number of phone calls I have made since this past Dec 2007 has increased immensely and I need it. Sometimes phone calls, meetings, etc get me out of my head and help me realize that I am not alone. To me my addiction is all about isolation, if I choose to stay isolated my addiction will fester and overtake me. Yet if I walk in the light and ask for help, keep accountable, and surrender the power I gain is immeasurable and that is all by His Glory because He is one I cannot put a measuring stick on and finally I dont want to. God I pray that you keep moving in my life and you allow me to be humble enough to detect your presence

Lars W wrote on June 26th 08 at 05:36PM

Hi Steve! I'm a 23 year old guy from Norway, who's been struggling with porn for some years now, and kind of feels like I have, (as you put it) "lost my battle against pornography". And with this said, I have to add, i'm a reborn christian who's part of a great church community, and live to serve God's plan with all my life.

You know if there is groups like this in Norway?

steve g wrote on June 26th 08 at 05:56PM

Paul,

This is a powerful paragraph you have written here and congratulations on two years brother!!

Just like you, the bedrock of my sobriety is God, but the foundation I have built on that bedrock are from the phone calls.

When I speak to another man, just like writing this post, I become wrapped in the armor of God and temptation simply cannot get a strong hold on me; the more I call the stronger I get.

The groups work the same way for me. There are nights I don't feel like going to group, but I NEVER leave feeling that way; the strength I get from these guys is immeasurable. I will never forget walking in the very first time and realizing I was not alone.

It is about forming new relationships. The friendships from these calls have been a great benefit, because the isolation of this addiction is so very real. I do not believe I could continue to isolate and remain sober.

If you don't mind, could you share your experience of going to your first group, the fear vs the reality?

Thanks Paul!

Steve G

Paul W wrote on June 26th 08 at 09:49PM

Hello all I was asked to post a comment about going to my first group and dealing with fear vs reality. To be honest my very first group experience was two fold. The first group was an all mens group therapy based on Patrick Carnes work on sex addiction. I was nervous. I felt my acting out was so different from other men. Would I be judged? Would they put me down for how I acted out and how irresponsible I was especially with all the bad choices and decisions I had made? Would I be laughed and ridiculed? The answer to all of this was a resounding NO. My fear of being judged, scorned, laughed at, looked down upon was so far from The Truth. God was present in the men I was sharing my story with. They gave me feedback and started my journey 2 years ago that has grown into some solid and loving relationships that I really do value and treasure. In fact I thank God that I am an addict solely for the fact that I had the chance to meet some of my brothers in recovery who have shared my pain if not more. Secondly I remember going to my first SAA newcomers meeting and I was so nervous I could hardly speak or swallow. It was a small group venue about 6-8 men before the mixed group of 30 -40 men and women came in and it was my chance to find out if this organization would accept me. Again I was filled with fear. Again the reality is I was blind. The power of God's presence gave me the courage to ask some tough questions, and they were answered again truthfully. Thinking back most of the questions I asked applied to everyone sitting at that table. My questions were all about being accepted and could I be here if I have done this. I found out later that most of the people I talked to had similar experiences, maybe not identical but very close and it was at this Monday night meeting in Florida that I found my sponsor a few weeks later. He has become on of my most trusted friends. So for all of you debating should I go to a meeting. The answer is Yes, God will be with you. When you decide He will give you the strength to bear witness to the Truth.

Paul W

steveg wrote on June 26th 08 at 10:53PM

Lars W,

So often it is hard to find that church home and I am glad you have found one.

I have done a few searches and have not been able to find a group in Norway. I will keep looking, but another thought I have would be to see if we can get one started...with God all things are possible.

Let me do a little more research and see what I can find.

Thanks for sharing and being with us here at xxxchurch, God loves you and so do we.

Steve G

Steve G wrote on June 26th 08 at 11:04PM

Paul,

Thank you so much for bringing forth the Truth, I can relate to every word you speak and I am sure you find those same familiar things in the posts I write.

I would invite others to post as well, your experiences if you have been to a group or, your fear if you have not.

Thanks again Paul and thanks’ also to your wonderful wife whom, though I do not know her, through your words I can sense the same qualities as Jesus...love, compassion and above all forgiveness, she is a rare find in this addiction and a true gift from God to you...our prayers are with you both as she faces her battle with cancer.

You are a Great man of God!

Steve G

Stephan wrote on July 6th 08 at 02:21AM

I have been to celebrate recovery a few times. I have to admit it was a wonderful, yet painful time. It felt great to talk about my issue with other men going to the same thing. At the same time i had to face the harsh reality of my problem with porn head on. This was the painful part. I have noticed that the devil will do anything to stop me or hinder me from going to these meetings, so if you are going for the first time and something comes up, or your car breaks down, or you get a ticket or get sick, GO ANYWAY. Our God is an awsome God and has put people in our paths to help us through the hardest and darkest of placed in our live. I love you brothers.

Yours in Christ,
Stephan

Steve G wrote on July 7th 08 at 11:44PM

Stephan,

This has been a topic of my group and other conversations this past week; satan is always talking to us and the truth is always opposite of what he tells us.

As I have been going through steps 8 & 9 where I am required to make amends with people I have harmed through my addiction...this is a very long process which I have been working on for over a year.

satan has told me every time how awful it is going to be, I have prepared for the worst every time, worrying, beating myself up, dreading the moment, putting it off.....and every time I have faced these people I have come away with the sense of how awesome our God is because I have found forgiveness every time...EVERY TIME! I am unable to put into words what this has done in my life.

The Truth will set you free.

Had I listened to satan I would still be imagining all these horrible thoughts instead of enjoying the relationships I have, because I trusted in God.

Thanks for being here brother,

Steve G