INSPIRATION

Every day we receive stories of pain and devastation caused by pornography. And yet every day we are asked why? Why do you fight? Why push forward? Below you will find a story from a wife who is struggling. Her story is powerful and her hope inspirational. We exist for her, her husband and the others who know there is something more out there - hope will prevail.

My name is Jenn, I'm 39 years old. I've been married to my husband for over 17 years. We have a 6 year old son. My husband and I have been struggling in our marriage for years, but I didn't know what the problem was.  He was very secretive.  3 years ago I found child pornography on our home computer, I was devastated. I confronted my husband about it. He's a computer programmer and made up some excuse about how our computer got compromised. I told him to get it off the computer and to secure it so it never happened again. A month later, I was going through his lap top, and I found the child pornography again. More excuses, but at this point, I knew they were just that. I kicked him out of the house.

Later we talked, he denied it and said it was another compromise. I wanted to believe him, how could my husband be addicted to child porn? He has a law enforcement background, he's a Christian, he's ex-military, a great father, a nice guy, everyone loves him. Then a month later I found the child porn again, and the photos looked just like my 10 and 12 year old nieces. I called his father and showed him the photos, then I took the laptop home and threw it in our pool. My husband finally  confessed he was addicted to pornography, in a bad way, and told me that when he downloaded it, sometimes the "younger stuff" would get in there. But I found very little  "older stuff". 90% was all young girls.

To make a long story short I signed us up for counseling, but he lied his way through the whole thing. After 12 months of secular marriage counseling, I signed us up for Pure Lifes sexual addiction program (at home). Again, my husband lied through the whole things. I eventually found out that he had been involved with a secret relationship with my 12 year old niece. Buying her gifts, toys, giving her credit cards, he even set her up with a p.o. box where she lived that no one else knew about. And now I've found out that he's molested her.

I am also a child of molestation. My brother molested myself and my two sisters. He was also into pornography.

I've now lost my house, my family, my husband, the father of my son, I have a restraining order on him, I'm spending thousands of dollars trying to keep my son in a safe environment. My father and mother in law are Christian leaders at their church, but yet they chose to live in denial and are protecting my husband's reputation by turning their back on me instead of supporting me. My husband currently has a legal case on the DA's desk where my niece lives. I don't know how long it will take to process, but it looms over his head daily.

I still love my husband. I still want God to bring glory out of this mess. He continues to deny everything, despite a written document I found of his confessing to some of it. It's the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I turn to XXXChurch to help motivate me to pray for my husband's salvation - to break the bondage it has on my husband. I pray that one day we can start a ministry to sexual predators. But for now, I have to sit by and wait on the Lord, trusting that he'll take care of my son and I while we go through the process of trying to recreate our life and find where God wants us.

Thanks for listening.

-Jenn

>>> You can share your story as Jenn has on the Confessions Blog

Anthony wrote on March 26th 08 at 11:13PM

You certainly are a brave woman Jenn. Turning to God in times like this is definitely the best thing you can do; without God, your problems will seem never-ending. I wish you luck, and pray for you and your son.

Garrett wrote on March 26th 08 at 11:30PM

i wish i never would've looked at porn. ever. i am so sorry for you. i'm sorry for having contributed to porn. i'm sorry for being a part of men who fall short of the man of God that is freely given through Christ. i'm so sorry for looking at porn and i'm sorry you have to go through this. Jesus sees what you do and what you pray. know that when you get to your real home, you will have no remembrance of what sin was like and you will have a reward of full healing.

foofof wrote on March 27th 08 at 01:31AM

I like to look at porn. porn rules my life!!!

Jay_remiah wrote on March 27th 08 at 06:54AM

Holy crap. I was contributing to this!!

Jenn, please hold on, and please know that that's why the great folks on xxxchurch.com are here.

In Barbados, the lovely island where I live, child molestation is a serious problem as well. Waaaay too many cases of people abusing their authority to have their way with impressionable youngsters. And a major contributor to it? You guessed it - porn (we call 'em "blue movies" here)

I'll certainly be praying that your son will be the change agent in this awful family situation.

Porn is NEVER "just a me problem"; it affects those around us.
Lord help keep me straight - and keep showing Jenn the way.

Jenn wrote on March 27th 08 at 09:42AM

Thank you. I want you all to know that this is not the end of the story. When XXX first came out, I thought "that's just crazy," now, it's my saving grace. Unless you've been affected by porn, you won't "get it." Reading through the testimonies on this site it helps me understand the power that porn has on my husband. It helps me know how to pray for him. It keeps my heart soft. I believe God put me here "for such a time as this." I have not given up the battle, but I've stepped aside now, as I've done all I can do, it's between the Lord and my husband now. There is so much denial, so many lies, so much shame, guilt and defeat that comes with an addiction to porn. Some would think that if they had a supportive wife, they could get through anything. That's wrong. If you want to be freed from your addiction to porn, you must turn to the Heavenly Father, the one who has more power in you, than the he who is in the world. My ONLY saving grace has been saturating myself with the Word of God DAILY! I listen to the Bible on CD on my way to work, at work, on the way home, I teach my son Bible stories every night, and that's why I can stand here today still wanting to see my husband freed from his chains.

I'm asking God for a very tall order, to stop the cycle of sexual addiction in our families, to stop broken families (all my siblings, my parents, his parents, are all divorced), to stop the children from having to grow up in a single parent home, if I am to stop this cycle in this generation, I realize God's going to require a lot from me, and it's going to take a miracle, but my heart is willing, and there's no one else more capable of a miracle than our God, creator of the heavens and earth. For he's the same yesterday, today and forever!

Wives, if you're out there and your family is falling apart because of porn, just understand you can't change him, only God can. We can support, pray and encourage him, but this battle is between him and the Lord! As an enabler, waiting on God is hard. And God has had to teach me many lessons through this experience. Trust is the biggest. Entrusting my husband to the Lord, and letting go. That takes REAL faith.

Thank you for your prayers and support! And thanks to XXXchurch for their ministry!

-Jenn

GraphicArtist2k5 wrote on August 6th 08 at 02:29PM

I know you want your husband to be free from porn, but he has to want it for his own self too. You can't make him be free, as I'm sure you know. He has to want it more than anything else in his whole life. There's obviously a lying spirit that has place in his life, if he tried to deny it to that extent. This sounds EXTREMELY like a demonic curse that's trying to keep itself going in the life of you, your husband, and your family. Have you been healed, delivered and set free from the pain and curse of being sexually molested? If not, then that's why you married this guy to begin with. We tend to draw people to us subconsciously in relation to what the devil has done to us. If you really want this to happen for you, your husband and your kids, then YOU need to draw the line in the sand and stand up to the devil and bind him by the blood of Jesus. You are a mighty warrior in Jesus. You are His, and NOONE else's. You need to see what value God has placed on your life, and never look at what the devil wants to do to you and your life as being greater than who God is, because the devil only wants to destroy you. You need to pray truth and light over your household EVERY SINGLE DAY, if you're not already doing it, and pray the Father's love to fall upon your household as well. ONLY God's love can and will change your whole situation.