A Counterfeit

"Just yesterday I lost my cool... I told my husband he sucked and I was tired of his b.s. Not so lady like is it?"

I appreciate your candor so much.

Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for reminding me that I am responsible for my own actions, and even though I may feel justified in wanting to "get him back" it will ulitmitaley leave me feeling worse. Thank you for sharing your heart. I can tell you truly understand and I needed that tonight. My heart is broken and I want to send him packing but I am waiting on the Lord for an answer. Oh, and he is a pastor, making me the "pastor's wife". It's almost to much pain to handle, I am trusting God to carry this burden for me.

Okay, can you answer something for me? I found out this week that my husband has been watching porn over the past eight months. This is not the first time he has fallen into this sin during our marriage. He gave me NO indication that he was struggling, of course now I see all the "signs". Each time that it happens I am more and more disillusioned. Trust is gone. I told him it CAN'T happen again and if it does, I will have to separate from him. He told me that is a high expectation but he is willing to try. Is it really to high of an expectation? He is a pastor. I feel like we can not serve God wholeheartedly if this sin is in our life and marriage. I don't want to be part of that lie. How many chances should he get? I want him to know how serious it is.

I too appreciate your candor. I have 14+ years of hiding this. There are times I just feel like I can't breathe. I found out today that my 13 yr old son is looking at it as well. It showed up on the X3 report. I knew that my husband wasn't at home at the time that showed on the report.

God is all I have left, my relationship with him is all that I can lean on. I am angry. I don't want to become bitter or resentful. I don't know how to respond. I have allowed this for so long, I prayed about it, I tried to control it...but it is out in the open now and I just don't always know how to put one foot in front of the other.

My husband propositioned a 16 year old girl at our church, where I worked in women's ministry. He refused to go back. He refuses to really do anything. We have been to 2 marriage counseling appointments in the last month but it's just not enough.

I am still meeting with my pastors, I am still reaching out to the people of the church but I haven't been back since the news hit 5 weeks ago.

Today we got into this horrible arguement in front of the kids and I hate it. Am I horrible for wanting him to leave? I feel such guilt. I don't want to be married to someone who has total disregard for me, its like he eggs me on to get me mad. I just wish that I had the self-control to keep my mouth shut.

Thank you for sharing - it really helps to know I am not the only one who does that! We have had this struggle since before we got married and I found him looking at Porn after we got into an argument. He apologized and I thought the issue was done.

It is now almost 10 yrs later and I am realizing how bad it really is. I don't understand because I have no desire and I struggle because my husband knows I feel like it is adultery - it says in the Bible that it is adultery to lust after someone of the opposite sex when you are married! I have confronted him time and time again and the he has broken the promise when he told me he wouldn't do it again. I have trouble trusting him again!

I have recently found out that he is now doing this on his blackberry and it really sickens me! It is especially hard knowing he was looking at that after another argument, I was sitting on the couch hoping he would come sit next to me and talk, after an hour realized he wasn't even thinking of doing any such thing - he was looking at porn in the recliner which I could see in the reflection of the window! I was baffled, betrayed, pissed, sad, not sure what to do. I cried on the couch and he never even looked at me to see me crying for almost 3 hrs! I finally went over to him and said I'm going to bed and cried myself to sleep. I blew up the next morning when I looked at his phone and actually saw what I thought I saw him doing in the reflection of window and I lost it! After seeing your post I know I MUST control my emotions better and take a breather before getting so upset. I told him to leave and I didn't want him here and I did this all in front of our 3 yr old son. I apologized to my son for doing it and said I will try not to do it again.

Does anyone know if there is software to track him on his blackberry to for accountability or to just block him from doing it?

MY husband has struggled with porn for 28 or more years! We have been married now three of those hellish years. I feel like I am the only one who goes through the pain of feeling like I am not loved and being cheated on day after day is heart breaking. I used to live my life thinking I could not leave his side because I know when I do he takes the empty home as a huge opportuniy to watch his porno babes make love to him in his twisted mind. I don't do this anymore becasue I am tired of living in his sin. I go away now over night knowing what is happening back home but I feel I have no choice. MY heart breaks knowing it is this way and I can't wait for the day he can truly love me like I am worth. I feel like I am a broken mirror all over the floor and no one can find all the peices I hope the pain can end soon.

Hi, i've had the biggest shock of my life yesterday.
I am engaged and supposed to be getting married next year. For some reason i asked my fiance on 2 nights ago if he has ever watched porn. I expected yes when he was younger, but he has been watching porn the whole time we have been going out and even since we have been engaged, this really hurt. He said he has been doing really well for the past few months so i thought ok, thats good. The next day (yesterday) i decided to look on his computer history, i seen all these horrible things that he had been typing in and had watched, and they were up to a week ago. I was crushed and disgusted and totally heartbroken. I feel like i dont know him and its just so disgusting. I want to help him and i am going to the best i can, but im so angry and hurt and one minute im helping him through bible verses over the phone and the next im just lashing out. He is a minister and is living far away on his own which makes things harder. But i dont know if i can love him the same, i cant look at him without thinking of how horrible it all is. He says it has nothing to do with me, but i feel so ugly and worthless now and havent been able to eat for 2 days now, i feel like i cant go on, i dont feel strong enough for this. Im angry with God too, what have i done to deserve this, why did he allow me to get so close to someone and then be torn apart. My fiance (not sure if i can even call him that right now, i cant face the thought of marrying him or being near him) downloaded the X3 watch thing and made me the accountability partner, im so scared of when it comes through. He has no other male friends he can talk to, we only have each other.
I dont know if i can marry him now though, i dont know how to forgive him and how to forget all this stuff. I want to be able to love him again. Im so angry and heartbroken.
I still live at home and have my parents constantly talking about wedding plans and i cant tell them what is going on, but i cant handle talking about weddings or anything like that.
Ive sat and prayed and read the Bible and it has helped but im so scared of going into married life and this pops up, im so paranoid about what he is looking at or doing.
How do i forgive and forget? I just dont know what to do and im a complete mess.
How can i marry him if i dont respect him anymore. How can i marry someone that has hurt me so much, he has hurt me so much over the 3 years of us being together, stuff with his exs and stuff. I have no one to talk to about this.
If anyone can help i would appreciate it greatly, i want the best marriage possible, im glad this came up now rather than after the wedding.

Dear Anne,

Reading your story made me feel like I was at the begining again. I knew before I married my spouse that he was into the whole porn thing. It is not an easy road and those feelings you feel are very valid and true, they don't go away because you forgive but they become less as you see growth in your spouse. My spouse has been involved in porn for almost 28 years, he is only 33. Every day I wake in prayer and every chance I get through the day I pray for him. I love him with all my heart and I love God more. I know God can make a miracle in his life. I also know he must choose to let God in. I will be honest and say these three years of marriage have been the hardest of my whole life even harder than being a single parent. I have up and down days and now we are part of a program called Living Waters, which deals with sexual and relational brokeness. We see a councellor when we are not at the program and in the past week have been making strides to be truthful. I know that is the hardest thing for him because he is so used to living in the dark of sin, into the light I pray he comes and that God breaks him wide open so he can heal. My heart goes out to you as I know some of what you feel, it truly is not about you but somehow we as women I think still put it upon ourselves. I have learned much about this addiction and about how it robs children of their innocence as places display it in soft forms right at their height, it makes my heart cry...i wish there was more we could do together as groups of women who have children or who have been affected by this monster! I must say you are right it is very hard to be married to someone you can't trust and someone who you can't respect. Like you we only have one another too. Be open with others as it brings comfort to me to know I can and do talk to my dad about it, both my parents know and I try and call them when I need someone to talk to and process through things with. They are always praying for us which I think helps as well, the more prayer warriors the more things will change. I don't know there is so much behind porn that no one unless you have been on the side we are on can really know what it is like.

Wow! so many similar feelings towards our loved ones. Here's a little extremely honest background of my experience.
Before we were married, he told me that his Dad caught him looking at porno as a young adult and he was glad that his dad did, 'cause it helped him take ahold of the sin and give it to God. My response was wow, good for you. I took it very lightly and told him " thank-you," as I too had looked at porn very casually in the past as a 13 yr old. No big deal. Secretly I liked how he was experienced with it, 'cause our make out sessions were amazing and I would fantasize about it.
Then, two years into our marriage... so far away from family... I have no one to talk to about this... he confronts me about having bought a magazine after one of our arguments. I replied where is it and you should burn it. He asked if I could... I said I can not do that 'cause then I would have those images in my mind as well and it is something YOU need to rid yourself of. O.K. so now that's over and done with GREAT! Or so I thought.
A year later after our daughter was born... I guess he couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted me once again. So many thoughts went through my mind ( mistrust, betrayal, unworthiness, adultery-much like that of the poem, wanting to hide this, etc... ) A lot similar to everyone elses responses. Today the pastor in church said that we should react the opposite of how someone is treating us. Sooooooo hard to do.
My reactions are getting better towards his confrontations, but I sent him the letter, the looks, the go-away and leave me be, I've said all there is to say. My only resort is to support him for being open and honest with me, because this subject should not go hidden.
I'm thankful for our talks and openness on the subject. He is doing something about it. Enough to find this website to help both of us out. I wouldn't of even known where to look! He saw my pain and cared... cared enough to stomp satan on this and look to God for help. I give my husband much credit to stand against something so strong and find an accountability partner. To care about our family, marriage and our future. He said something very interesting during one of our talks. I don't know why God would allow this to happen to me. Some people struggle with alcohol, drugs, other things ( nothing that he struggles with) but God put this on me to teach me something and I'm going to do the opposite of what Satan wants and fight this. Keeping it hidden is what so many do, I don't want to carry that shame... others are hiding it too, it's about time we openly confess our sins, and YES we need lots of prayer... but other couples are struggling with this in our area and we need to support each other and publicly address it in our churches.
I am proud of him for taking a stand, something I never saw coming. He mentioned that it was extremely difficult to tell me about this, because it is something guys understand better than women. My reactions were dead on and had I kept up with them, he could never of told me the second or third time.
Now though, when he compliments other women ( which is fine, 'cause we're both encouraging to others that way)... I still feel jealousy even though I know he loves me so much. I still try to give him as much trust as I used to have, but now it feels like my security is a lot less and I have to constantly fight for self-control, image, etc. I have to remind myself that I can not blame him for my choices, nor what's going on in my mind. Prayer needs to help this out. I want to tell my family, I want to tell everyone about it because LOOK AT WHAT I'M STRUGGLING WITH, you have no idea,... but then I get thinking... aren't all sins considered the same in God's sight. What about mine?!
Thank-you to my hubby who is really trying hard to come against this and for not putting your guard down and for turning away. It teaches me to try harder to be more Christ-like and a lot of other things... I LOVE YOU! xoxox

Having read some of the comments posted before this, I was really struck by how many women are struggling with the thought of ever being able to forgive their husbands/fiances/wives for their sexual addiction and sin.
I don't know if this will be effective or not, but I thought I would post a message just for these women.
Unlike most wives, I am not coming at this from the perspective of a wife disgusted by her husband's activities. In my marriage, I am the one who has been caught up in grievous sexual sin, pornography addiction, and near-misses of adultery. My husband has been the one who has had to deal with the shame and disgust and hurt that my horrible habits have caused in our marriage. And I want to tell you: not once, when I told him about looking at porn online or having an illicit conversation with a friend of his from church, did he ever say "I'm just so hurt and disgusted, I don't know if I can ever forgive you." I would have been crushed if that had been his reaction. What's more, I would have lost most if not all of my motivation to quit and reform. If I have no hope of his forgiveness or continued love, why should I stop? How can I stop even if I wanted to, if he can't even give me the support of his forgiveness to fall back on? It has only been his love, prayers, and tender forgiveness that has shown me how truly worth the effort of repentance our marriage is.
I am not denying your feelings, ladies. I am not at all trying to say that you don't have every right to be hurt and disgusted. Sexual addiction is a hurtful and disgusting thing, and there would be an even greater problem with your marriage if you WEREN'T affected by this. But by denying your husband the healing balm of your forgiveness and love-- even when you're afraid he'll only hurt you again-- you're stealing the power to stop right out from under him. You're not just hurting him: you're hurting yourself, your marriage, and your family. Do not be fooled: withholding forgiveness is a sin, equal in the eyes of Our Holy God to your husband's sexual sin.
I am speaking to you as one of your own who may be better able to voice these things than men in thier stoic rationality ever can. Please, do not deny him your forgiveness.

Forgiveness is hard but I found it quite easy compared to learning to trust. I forgive my husband and I pray for him every day every moment he comes in my head. Something new I also started after one of our conversations and him telling me that "It's like a child needing that pat on the back saying you're doing a great job!" I have taken window writter markers and used them on a large mirror in our home to write encouraging messages for him. It is hard to do some times but I also find they can encourage me as I walk by and remember whatever it is I felt at that moment or whatever the scripture may say. I think that even though I forgive it is hardest to forget.

Wow, these comments are really helping me pull through with this. Thank-you all! It really helps sometimes to just write out your feelings and to hear that there are similar ones out there as well. Thank-you to Steph for your posted comment as well. Your husbands reaction is what I wish mine was and I pray that I will react as he did towards you next time... if this ever occurs again! I do give my husband my trust back, because everyone deserves a 2nd and 3rd chance. Only because of his honesty with me, I do trust... although sometimes it does feel like I take a kick in the gut when it hits.

I have caught my husband several times looking at porn. It never fails at least once a week while I am gone to class or to work, I come back home, and he has been watching it. I have expressed the heartbreak it causes me to him many many times, and I have written him letter after letter, shown him this site. We finally decided that it was an addiction that he needed to work on. He allowed me to put a block on our home computer, but he recently purchased an iphone which, just today I discovered more porn on. He only gets angry and upset when I try to approach him in love about this subject. I feel like I cannot open up to him about it anymore because he is so angry about it. But when he watches it, his attitude towards me changes, and he is just sour in general. I am so lost as to what to do about it and if I even need to give him any chances anymore. I can't handle being continually disrespected and hurt by the person that I love the most. What can I do, how can I address him with this issue, and how can he be healed from this addiction?

There is such truth in your words. I am struggling with my own sinful anger after finding out yet again that my husband has viewed pornography online and hidden it from me until my confrontation. I asked him to give me a reason not to leave him this time. That's not really what I want. I want him to stop. This has come up so many times in the past 8 years that I'm just tired of waiting for him to change. The truth is I want to leave to "teach him a lesson". I want God to teach him a lesson so that he is right with God. I don't want him to be punished, I want him to be saved. At this point I don't expect "success" anymore, all I want is him to come to me and confess when he falls so he is not hiding in the darkness. Is there ever a point where a wife should leave to spur the husband's repentance? We have two children under 4 and I cannot imagine destroying their family because of my own selfish hurt. It hurts so much even though I know it's not about me. I did not hold back my anger and I feel guilt for that. I know I made him feel very low and he was crying and apologetic. At least God gave me the strength to tell him I loved him as we ended our conversation. I pray that I did not "crush" him. Pray that I can show him forgiveness and chastise him in a Biblical way. :(

KM,
I understand your anger through all of this, and it's nice to know that we are not alone. There are a ton of other women being hurt by this. I have strangely found a way of keeping calm every time I address him about it. I have never yelled or said anything hurtful, and that has drawn more of a response out of him than I thought it would. I will pray for patience for you and for blessings and healing for your family. We do not yet have children, so I know that makes your situation a little harder. I asked my husband today if I could just touch him and pray for him, and I spoke out against the enemy and offered myself as the intercessor in his battle because I know that this is the point where he is the weakest. It is still hard, and discovering it still breaks my heart every time, but I have to recognize it as an attack not only on him, but on me and on our relationship from the enemy. Like I said before...it's nice to reach out and know that you are not alone, and stand in faith that God is Jehovah Rafa (the healer), and speak it out that it is done. I will continue to have faith that our spouses' lust will be healed as will our hearts, our relationships, and our walks with the Lord.

I read through all of the comments. I am the husband who has confessed to porn. I know that I crushed my wife. There were no words, just that look of shock, mistrust, and betrayal. Your comments have put the words to the look. Thank you.

As husbands we need to hear the words from you. Your words for me have become bricks in a wall between me and porn. Thank you for the bricks. Sorry for the pain.

Paul,
I am glad that my words could give you some encouragement. Please know that you are not alone in fighting the enemy, and that you have mighty prayer warriors on your side that will not be vanquished. Thank you for your confession as well. That is the first and biggest step towards defeating the lies that Satan has weaved inside of you. We just need to continue to recognize that Satan is real, and there is a real spiritual battle going on, and the battle starts in our minds. He will attack us at our weakest points. For women, our insecurity, for men, their lust. As children of the one true God, we must take a stand against this, stand firm in our faith, and hold one another up. I would encourage you to continue the honesty with your wife and with others. The honesty will vanquish the enemy, heal both your hearts, and eventually lead to a great spiritual awakening. This awakening is the point where you can recognize an attack from a mile away, and you can speak out against it in the name of Jesus Christ! At the point that I have reached with my husband and his personal battle, I have come to the conclusion that this is my one and only option: to lie fully in the arms of God, rest, have peace, and believe that His work is already done. It's time to stop telling God how big my storm is and start telling the storm how big my God is. Please continue to trust and believe!

Hi I am from Africa and we recently got the internet and 4 of my wives were so happy that I spend more time in porn cause now they have more time to look for our children

P.S. lose some weight