A new perspective
Our eyes have been known to deceive us; to stay focused on the sin that has beset our men. Our minds keep mulling over past hurts, fear of future failures, where we are headed and if the rug will be pulled out from under us again.
If you are anything like I am, you have a tendency to operate in self protection mode. I was always trying to find new ways to support my husband but also keep myself at arms length to not endure any more heartache. I was reading every book out there for every perspective possible to fix my husband. Some of that was pure and it was motivated by love- but a lot of it was motivated to get what I wanted; a husband to love me, serve me, care about me and fulfill me. The "me" word came up often. I now refer to it as "the sea of me." When I look back at all the time I spent trying to control the outcome or the next fall or how I much time I spent thinking about "what if" scenarios, it makes me sad. Precious time was lost and most definitely wasted.
One of the best things I ever did was complete the OCAH counseling program offered at Pure Life Ministries. It is an intense 12 week biblical counseling program with a certified biblical counselor who has walked in our shoes. I was so excited to get started on fixing my husband and his problems! Boy was I sadly mistaken. Instead, I got a crash course in taking the low road. There were times I was very frustrated because the counselor wanted me to focus on the Lord and what the Lord wanted to show me about me. ME? This was not about me! This was about betrayal, disappointment, unrealized dreams, hopes and more.
Soon, I realized that my counselor was more right than I could have imagined. Through her teaching and pointing me back to the Word of God, I learned about my own pride, my own sin and especially that regardless of what my husband chooses- every decision I make I am responsible for and accountable for. Who I am when the storm comes rolling in says a lot about who God is in me. Have I allowed Him to be Lord of my life or have I only called on Him when I need a savior or a prayer answered? This is not an easy way. It is called dying to self. The world doesn't teach this. The world teaches self preservation but the Bible teaches soul preservation. I dare to repeat what I once heard Lisa Bevere say "GOD is more concerned about our soul condition than He is our circumstances." God wants us to choose His ways over our own self protective ways. His way is for our highest good and for the highest good of those we love.
What does this mean? It means that instead of threatening our husbands with endless ultimatums, instead of slamming doors, instead of telling all of our girlfriends what is wrong with our men, instead of being self centered, we will choose to go to the cross; to die to self and to surrender it all to the Lord and allow Him to reveal His perfect plan in our hearts and allow Him to set the course of action. We will pray and believe God for His perfect will. This does not mean that we turn a deaf ear or a blind eye to something that is detrimental to our husband's soul- it just means we will stop trying to control them and allow God to speak to our hearts through the Holy Spirit, through godly counsel and or pastoral leadership and those who have been called to speak into our life. We will choose healthy (godly) ways to express ourselves. We will choose healthy (godly) ways to relieve the stress and the anxiety that comes when we are overwhelmed. We will stop doing the same things over and over that have not worked for us yet. God gives us new opportunities moment by moment.
Lastly, I want to share with you what ended up being the catalyst in setting me free from much of the bondage I was enslaved to... serving others. I have never found a better way to get outside of myself, my problems, my worries, my heartaches and disappointments then getting into the life of someone else. When my OCAH counselor suggested I pray that God show me where I could give back, I did. I ended up going through a volunteer course at Children's Hospital. I read books to children who were waiting for their cancer treatments, or held crying children so parents could take a break and let me tell you ladies... there is NOTHING that made me realize faster that my problems were minuscule in comparison to others than that of holding a sick baby not knowing if they were going to make it into adolescent years let alone adulthood.
Serving others gives us a new perspective. Perspective is everything.
*Note* I realize that I am writing from a "Christian" wife's perspective and not all who will read my words are Christians or have encountered Jesus Christ. If you are someone who is not a believer but you feel a tug on your heart that leans towards wanting to believe that there is a GOD who wants to help you and set you free, please email me at michelle@xxxchurch.com If you are someone that is not there or has no desire to be there, the words I have written can still be applied to your situation.
How awesome that your post is on how serving others has delivered you from the bondage...it is the same thing we have been discussing on the mens blog.
Get Clean...Go Serve Others!!
God bless you sister!!
Steve G
The timing in which I read this post was perfect. God is in control and He IS Sovereign!! I don't like the way in which he chooses to sanctify us sometimes.... But HE is good. I'm learning to sing for joy as David did in Psalm 92:4.
This week was really rough for me, my hubby is doing well, but I gave in to Satan's lies and have been depressed all week.
Michelle, thank you for sharing your heart and being a godly example to all of us here.
I had NO idea! It's a 'God thing'. :)
@BeautifulWife,
Thank you for your encouragement. Writing these blogs is not always easy for me. Sanctification is a process and I am still in the journey! I am glad that my blogs have spoken to your heart. It is the Lord.
@Stephanie,
I am sorry you are hurting. If we make God the Lord of our life in addition to Savior- then He will work all things together for our good according to His purposes. (Romans 8:28)
Hit me up with an email if you need to talk.
michelle@xxxchurch.com
The last couple years I have been going to groups, reading books, getting counseling. I kind of went into it full bore.
Your blog was a reminder that I am to get closer to God through this journey....or let God get closer to me...
I'm thankful to God that I was able to read those thoughts this morning. I only very rarely go on this site. My daughter e-mailed info about it both to me and to my husband.
Laurie
I do not have all the answers. I am on the same journey you are, but with that said I will share my heart in regards to this...again- I am not a theologian nor am I super-spiritual this is just my observation/point of view.
More often that not we look at things with a natural/worldly perspective. God looks at everything from an eternal perspective. He has known the end from the beginning. While I may not understand the things that go on in this world- I do know and believe with all of my heart that if I am right with GOD and I live my life as unto GOD- storing my treasures in Heaven- not placing lock-stock-and barrel in the circumstances of this world then I will not be blown around or held back by my lack of human-finite understanding.
Many times we forget the goodness of GOD based on circumstances around us. Many times we base His activity in our life from that worldly perspective- not the eternal perspective. The old Testament is full of situations where doubt gave way to despair but the Old Testament is also full of situations where faith gave birth to prosperity and victory.
When I start to question God's love for me- or His love for mankind, I try to go back to the basics of my foundation in the goodness of GOD... it usually leads me to watching the candid and graphic movie "The Passion Of Christ".
Lastly, there is a book that I read a few years ago- it is a light hearted easy read. It was such a blessing to me when I was questioning so much around so many disappointments in my life.
The book is: Living in the Sacred Now by Kim Thomas. You can still find it on Amazon.
God bless you Stephanie.
That was nearly 3 months ago, and we were officially divorced about a month ago. It has all happened so fast, and her words keep echoing in my ear... "You'll never change...I could never have kids with you...I can't wait to start dating someone else...God just wants me to be happy...God doesn't want me to hurt..."
I understand the pain and anger that she feels by being betrayed, but am also hurt by her decision to get a divorce (and that she says God told her to). I am remaining faithful and believe that God's will is ultimately for reconciliation. I also understand that right now, God wants to reconcile both of us to Himself, and that has been my sole focus. I would go crazy if I was still focused on only getting back together with my (ex-)wife. I pray for her every day, and I am constantly seeing His goodness and have faith that He is working in her heart (for healing, restoration to Him, forgiveness, etc).
I admit that I am unable to do anything good on my own apart from Him, and that is comforting and uplifting to know that He has received me back into His arms, and that I am no longer in control of my life. As you have received His truth on loving the supposed "unlovables," such as me, please pray for her and I both, that we would not seek satisfaction in anything but Him. Nothing or no one could replace the love that only He can give, the love that fulfills every deep longing in our hearts. Thank you in advance for your prayers.
I will say a prayer for you and for your ex wife.
I do not know how many years you were married and to the extent of your betrayal. I cannot speak for your ex wife and I have only limited information here- but the bottom line is that you are hurting and for that I am sorry. I am sure at one point your wife was hurting immensely too and she lost hope.
I understand that my covenant was made with GOD not with my husband on the day I said my vows... so regardless of what my husband chooses to do with his covenant to GOD, I am choosing to remain faithful to mine. It doesn't mean it is easy or that I am happy about it and is not to say that I am better than a wife who has chosen divorce- in fact I take a lot of heat for this decision. So many people (some I love dearly) tell me that I deserve better- that GOD has so much more for me...Christians none the less. I just don't see it that way in His word to me and until He shows me differently I shall remain. God is enough for me. I pray He will be enough for you too.
God bless you.
Thank you so much for all of your posts, they have guided me and helped me call on the Lord for strength these past few days, and I have been amazed at His power. I am not yet married, but have been dating my boyfriend for a long while. As we are both Christians, we have eliminated certain things from our lives to have a relationship that can help us grow together in God's word. We don't to things like watch many R rated movies, I don't wear a two piece bathing suit, and nothing physical past kissing. We share all of our struggles and encourage each other daily, but he recently told me that he struggles with pornography, something that has gripped him for awhile. As angry as I want to be at him, I can't hold a grudge. The Lord has helped me forgive him and show compassion, but sadness and confusion has still been an issue. I want to help him in every way I can, and when I asked my boyfriend how, he said, "Encourage me, and keep me accountable." What can I do to encourage him? What does he need from me? And although the Lord has helped me find wisdom and grace these past few days, I don't think it is my place to be his #1 accountability partner in this. Please help with my confusion, and please pray that we can both keep our eyes on Christ as we fight this. Thank you.
@Lynn I feel for you more than you could know. My situation might be different, but I hope it can shed some insight.
I would agree with you. You SHOULD NOT be his #1 accountability partner. If he is at all like me, and the many other men with whom I have spoken, the shame involved will make it extremely difficult for him to be forthcoming to you should he slip. He is likely sincere in wanting to be accountable to you; however, he will be better served to have accountability to someone outside of the relationship. He might, for example, get involved in PromiseKeepers, Celebrate Recovery, or another Christian group and find 1-3 men to confide in. It might be hard for him, but it will be beneficial. He should also install accountability and/or filtering software.
I have walked out a role similar to your boyfriend's in this scenario, only it was after my wife and I were married for about a year. I was able to stay "clean" for about 6-12 months afterward and then slipped and kept slipping for about the last 5-6 years. I tried to have my wife as my accountability partner, but the guilt/shame would keep me from confession and slowly my heart became hardened. It is presently day 4 for being "clean" after this 5-6 years. As difficult as it will be, I will be confessing to my wife tomorrow when she returns from out of town. She was very forgiving and compassionate the first time, but she will be well within her rights to leave me or kick me out tomorrow. I pray that she and I can walk this out together before the Lord; however, I will succumb to whatever her wishes might be. God has redeemed me through Jesus on the cross and I am in the process of working through the manifestation of that redemption in my life.
I will be praying for you and your boyfriend.
While I agree that you should not be your bf main accountability partner, I do think you need to be kept in the loop and he needs to know that you will be informed of his progress and any lack thereof.
Please see my "details" blog previous to this one.
Lastly, please consider joining P4P- www.partnersforpurity.com
Thank you so much for your wise words, they encourage and clear much of my confusion, especially coming from a man in a situation that reflects my boyfriend's. I pray that you can have the strength to be fully honest with your wife, and that you can be free of the guilt and shame you have endured due to this evil temptation. I pray to God that your wife can find compassion and forgiveness, just like the Lord shows us everyday. Don't forget that the Lord has washed you clean with His blood, and you are freed from all sin and debt in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Thank you for that qualification. I absolutely agree. After all, my accountability to my wife is second only to my accountability before God.
P.S. Thank you for the P4P link and thank you all at X3 for this awesome ministry!!
I thank you for your prayers and kind words of encouragement.
You are so correct when you say this affecting the whole body of Christ. I have had men and women say well "sin is sin so what makes this any different from a pastor? He's human too" and it really infuriates me because yes, while he is human- that doesn't negate the fact that GOD has laid out Scriptures that point to his role, responsibility and that HIS OWN HOUSE must be in order. He is shepherding the flock and this does affect the entire fold!
I am sorry you are having to deal with this. We do not have a blog dedicated to pastor's wives- but most of us Christian wives do understand--while the circumstances are different and so many more "eyes" are on you, the pain is the same. I really am sorry. Please consider also joining Partners for Purity. There are several wives of pastors that are members there who could really minister to you.
WWW.PARTNERSFORPURITY.COM
Also- Pure Life Ministries found in our resources section deals with pastors who are involved in sexual sin. Perhaps their counseling program would be beneficial to both of you.
(((HUGS)))
It delt with so many things which we deal with on these blogs...It will save marriages, probably thousands of them...Go see this movie.
Steve and Ann
I saw it this weekend too. Yes; a definite must see for couples and those considering marriage.
I got a mailing today that said the movie only showed in 389 theaters across the nation but it came in number 3 for top sales at the box office!! The ones that came in 4 and 5 showed in over 2500 theaters!
Go God!
I am so sorry. I agree with all that MT has said. I'm praying for you, grace for today, hope for tomorrow. God bless.
Thank you for this blog. It helps a lot.
I want desperately to live our what you are talking about. I want to make sure that I am concerned with his well being more than my own. But I don't know what that looks like.
Does it mean I just forgive him and be there for him when he comes to me, but not say anything as I watch him furtively try to deal with it on his own? It feels like at some point I am enabling him to continue.
I've seen you mention boundaries. What are your ideas of appropriate boundaries?
