Do we need the details?

This question seems to come up a lot with us women.  When we find out that our man is taking up pleasures in something or someone other than us- we want to know all about it!  What kind of stuff is he in to?  What body parts?  What's her hair color?  What are her/their measurements?  When is he finding the time to do this?  What is so good about her/them that I can't provide? After all, if he wanted that then why did he marry me? The list is endless and so is the pain that comes when he answers.

So, as a Christian woman I ask you this sister to sister- Is your need to know Spirit led or is it flesh led?  As a woman to any woman (Christian or not) I ask you this, Is your need to know for the higher good of the other person and yourself or others? 

I think there are some questions that should be asked and answered- especially with the sensitive and secretive nature of pornography such as "Is there child pornography involved?"  This is a question that is for the highest good of any children that are at potential risk as well as assisting your spouse in getting more serious help quickly.  Or "Is there another person involved?"  If so, you would need to be checked for sexually transmitted diseases.  Sometimes there are details that we do need to know.

Questions such as "What model/person/porn star are you infatuated with?" however are dangerous in my opinion.  Ask yourself what knowing the answer to this will produce?  What will it change?  My guess is (and I know first hand for myself) that it will only cause you more harm than good.  The knowledge of this information will cause your mind to work over time.  It will also serve as fuel for an argument later down the line if you choose to cynically bring up this persons name as a way to throw it back in his face because you are still hurting and or they are still struggling. 

We are all on a journey and it takes time to practice self control in our thought life and in the way we respond to this devastating issue.  Give yourself the same grace that you are expected to give your spouse.  You may blow it with your anger and with your need to know.  Quickly ask for forgiveness, repent and try to move on.

There are three questions that I learned to ask myself whenever the "Need to Know" rears it's ugly and demanding head.

1. Is my need to know Spirit led or flesh led?
2. Is my need to know for the highest good of my spouse, myself or others?
3. Is my need to know in obedience to what God has called me to in this moment?

Usually this helps me to keep my cool and try to ask for limited details.

None of this excuses your spouse and I am certainly not suggesting that you do not need to know how he is doing in this area of his life as he is walking it out or even certain details if he does mess up. Communication is most definitely important. All I am saying is be careful to discern what you really "need to know" vs what you really "want to know".  There is a difference and usually the "want" is what gets us in trouble.  God is faithful to bring things into the light that are hidden in darkness.  He most definitely gives grace to the humble and strength to the weary.  He can be trusted to let you know what you "need to know".

Jenna wrote on August 19th 08 at 05:31PM

I thoroughly agree!!! Asking too much can just create more of an insecurity in things that you do not need to know and at times prolong the healing and restoration God desires!!!

Evie Wesner wrote on August 19th 08 at 05:47PM

Thanks Michelle, my flesh HAS gotten the worse of me. These have been two miserable days.

Jesblood117 wrote on August 20th 08 at 03:37PM

Hi. I just want to give a male perspective on what you had to say. I completely agree with you. Certain questions must be considered carefully. If the atmosphere becomes hostile a male will stop feeling safe and will not return to confess to his wife, girlfriend, fiance, etc. I told this to my fiance. I told her please show me how you feel and I'm ok with you getting mad at me. But please don't punish me or I won't feel safe to tell you in the future and I'll go back to hidding it again. So she did just that. She was completely honest with me about her feelings, but she always forgave me. I'm not saying it was easy for her, but God kept filling her up with love. I new God would set me free one day I just never imagined it would be with the help of my future wife. You ladies are more powerful in God than you or most other people give you credit for. Don't give up! I'm free now and my fiance is the only object of desire in my heart and mind now. Love you all. Keep it up and see the victory of God!

MTof X3 wrote on August 20th 08 at 08:23PM

@jesblood117:

Thank you for the feedback and encouragement. I loved when you said this: "I new God would set me free one day I just never imagined it would be with the help of my future wife. You ladies are more powerful in God than you or most other people give you credit for."

That ministered to me today. It is something that we women must truly believe in our hearts. If we (women) were created to complete man, fully designed to be his helpmeet then truly we do hold something that is an asset to him on his journey through this lifetime. How often our thoughts are geared more towards ourselves and what must be wrong with us and that thinking renders us powerless.

Thanks again- God bless you and your upcoming marriage!

Maria wrote on August 24th 08 at 10:49PM

The need to know that is a hard one that I struggled with. I needed to know because I wanted to know how deep my husband had ventured into the pornography world. It was worse then I thought. I no longer ask him questions about it, when I feel the need to ask I pray and ask God what is it really I am looking for, and if I really need to know somthing God will help me see it. I did not want details I was searching for facts to get an understanding of what was going on. You have to be careful because sometimes you will find out things you wish you never knew and you can't erase it from your memory. I learned the hard way I just give it to God now and I find peace within.

evy wrote on August 28th 08 at 07:47PM

i've gotten to the point that whenever my husband and i start to talk about it, i tell him that i dont want to know what/who he's been looking at. the more i know about those things, the more it hurts. it is enough that i know that he does look, because then i can try to find ways to discourage it, but i dont want the details of anything.

Kelly wrote on August 31st 08 at 08:52PM

I hate to say it but it seems like 90% of the Christian wives who's husbands deal with pornogrophy, lust, sex addictions never end up seeing a change. I read stories of Christian women standing by their men and 22 years later they are STILL being hurt by it. I'm wondering if I can last 22 more years of this? I think I'd be better off leaving him until he's fixed it IF that ever happens. He's already cheated on me in the past, and now that we are trying to recover from that he's still watching pornography. He's trying to stop, he's actively confessing it to me and wants me to be his accountibility partner on XXXchurch, but its too painful for me. I want to leave. I feel like this will be his struggle for years and I'd rather find somone without THIS addiction. I'm praying for him but this is too painful for me. It really wears on my self worth. We need prayer.

MTof X3 wrote on August 31st 08 at 11:56PM

@Kelly,
I appreciate your hurt and wanting to split and cut the losses now- I've been there... more days than I want to admit. Where did you find your 90% of Christian wives never see a change? I'd like to see that research. I do not believe it is accurate. Although I believe if that number is accurate it is because she split before she saw the change she wanted. ;) I still think that seems like a pretty high number and I would like to know where it came from.

How long have the two of you been married? How long has this been going on? What steps has your husband implemented towards a turning from this behavior? What steps have you both implemented in the marriage to recover from the first infidelity?

I want to encourage you. God's time table is not our time table. I am not telling you that he is asking you to stay with this man- but I am going to tell you to make sure your heart is right before you leave otherwise you are not leaving in obedience to God. That is just my take on it.
Marriage is a covenant between three- the world doesn't acknowledge that- but you and I both know it was GOD that created & designed marriage.

Please check out the community of WWW.PARTNERSFORPURITY.COM I think you will find many sisters in the Lord there that will bless you and journey with you.

-Michelle

Lust survivor thru Christ wrote on September 3rd 08 at 08:18AM

As a 17 year man of God and having not only survived, but am having daily victory over lust. I thought it might help to hear from someone who has gone through the fire.
I lead a group of men fighting their addiction and can say from numerous experiences that two things need to happen to have sobriety (no sex with anyone but one's spouse) : Constant turning to God in all aspects of life and a group of men to be rigorously honest with.
There are many churches that support groups like these for men and women. Speaking for guys...never have your spouse as an accountability partner! Some of the triggers to act out with porn may be because of problems between you and your spouse!
And for the wives of men who struggle - I agree that if you use shame to fight back at your husband...he will fall...again and again.
As my wife put it, "It's like having diabetes; if you do what you need to daily to keep it under control (God's), then you can have a good life. But if you stop doing what you need to, then your heading towards death."

Good Ol Buzz wrote on September 4th 08 at 05:19PM

I am a screenwriter and what you have written about is very interesting to make a story about.

For example, in the 1994 film "Sirens", the Estella Campion, the wife of the minister Anthony Campion, has sinned against her husband. Estella thinks she has committed mainly the sin of adultery, but she has committed, mainly, the sin of bearing false witness, to others, to him, but mainly to herself.

Near the end of the film, when Estella tries to blurt out in confession what she thinks she has done, Anthony stops her. He knows all people, Estella included, are in process, so he relieves her of the burden of "confession." He tells her,

ANTHONY I think some things are better left unsaid.

ESTELLA But then we'll always be strangers.

ANTHONY No, not really. I mean, some small parts of us.

ESTELLA You mean, the bad parts.

ANTHONY No, I think it's good to have a few secrets.

ESTELLA Do you?

ANTHONY That way, in fifty years' time, we'll still be able to surprise each other.

Anthony's words prove true: Estella moves on in her process of being a good person, a good wife and a good Christian. She repents of her sin and moves to helping people find love, both others and herself.

All because her husband Anthony was wise enough not to want "all the details."

What other ways do you think we could tell, in our stories, the benefits of NOT wanting all the details, of extending grace to our spouses?

Buzz :-)

saja wrote on September 8th 08 at 04:21PM

your articles is amazing and has helped me to cope with my husbands addiction.
i had a question- is my husband committing adultery when he is actively viewing porn?

DLee wrote on September 10th 08 at 02:51PM

To Kelly...Speaking from experience you have to try your best to stick it out and it could be so much better after the battle. I found the "Every Man's Battle" book/workbook and my husband went through those and I read along behind him. It was amazing and it really opened my eyes to what he had been doing and how his heart was changing about it. If you can talk your man into something like that, it could be the glue that brings you two back together. Keep fighting, it is a Battle...

Good Ol Buzz wrote on September 12th 08 at 03:59AM

Dear MT of X3:

What is (or are) your view(s) on telling stories about husbands and wives struggling with pornography, including the "do we need all the details?" part of it?

- Stories of couples doing it well?
- Stories of couples doing it poorly?
- Stories of couples in between?

I noticed you wrote that all of us are in process. What if the story showed couples who are in process? They don't always do well, or poorly, or somewhere in-between. They change as the story goes along.

Now, my next two questions seem dumb, because we are talking about _mediated_ ("graphy") content of wrongful sexual actions ("porno"). Nevertheless, I ask because I do not know the answer to the questions.

MT, also what are your experiences with media (from print-based through broadcast to new media)? What effects do you think various media have on people's and culture's view of sexuality?

Though I addressed this post specifically to MT of X3, please, everyone, chime in on your experience with media and your views of media's (of all kinds) effect on individuals and cultures! :-)

Since I am a screenwriter, it might look like I am writing just to get some positive feedback for myself. I hope not, but that may be so.

For the sake of the discussion, though, can we please separate the questions from my ego and discuss the subject, please? If possible?

Thanks,

Buzz :-)

Brad T wrote on September 25th 08 at 06:54AM

I counsel men on this issue (since I had the problem myself) and they frequently feel guilted into telling their wives every detail. I encourage them to not share every detail since their is no real purpose in it. The only thing that is accomplished is to relieve the guilt felt by the man. I encourage them to turn to God with their guilt and not unload it on their spouse.

Since most men with this issue think of themselves first, it is natural that they will want to unload their guilt not understanding how it affects the person that now has to carry that information around.

Brad T wrote on September 25th 08 at 07:00AM

Kelly,

My wife is one of the 10% if your statistic is correct.

Lust Survivor Thru Christ,

I would be happy to share my story and ideas with you. Congrats on being so young and so wise. You can reach me at hhr124@yahoo.com.

MTof X3 wrote on September 25th 08 at 11:13AM

@ Buzz,
I will be happy to answer your questions for your "screenwriter" perspective but this blog is to benefit the wives. ;) You can send me an email though and I will gladly try to help you out for your writing.

@Brad,
Brother, you just totally validated me and so many other women! I have been saying this for years... the details of my husband's confessions were for his own selfish gain of dumping his guilt off... the problem with that was exactly what you describe... it made me feel like "the dump".
The first year of trying to deal with this I was so spiritually undeveloped and so emotionally scarred by all of it that I lashed out and ASKED for specific details... eventually I got to a place where even though I was ticked off, I would not ask for specific details and honestly did not want them.

Thank you for commenting. Hearing what I have been saying all along from a man who has done it is such an incredible validation.
Thanks again.

Good Ol Buzz wrote on September 27th 08 at 02:54AM

Dear MT:

You wrote: @ Buzz,
I will be happy to answer your questions for your "screenwriter" perspective but this blog is to benefit the wives. ;) You can send me an email though and I will gladly try to help you out for your writing.

Fabulouse! Wonderful! Write me at GoodOlBuzz1@netscape.net.

Thanks!

Buzz :-)